If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting my blog, there are some real sickos charmers out there. Oh, I have proof and I’m not afraid to out them. I get stats on how many peeps visit my blog, and some cursory information about how they arrive to hear the word of the muffin top….for example, it tells me if someone clicks on my blog from twitter, Facebook, Boston.com, a referral from another (FUNTASTIC!) blog (Check out my blog roll!) or through a subscription to muffintopmommy, etc.

But the most fun I have on the stats page? Hands down, reading the “Google search terms” column. This is a list of words or phrases that people Google to find my blog. Sometimes it’s simply some variation of the sorta-kinda made up word, muffintopmommy, or parts of a title of an old post. Sometimes it’s evident these innocents probably didn’t intend to wind up on my blog. But ha ha! Accidental readers,  sickos charmers, welcome—one and all. We heart new readers and commenters, we really do.

I decided if the blog is generating some funnies by accident, wouldn’t it be wrong to keep it to myself? So here’s a list of my top ten fave Google search terms. (Oh hell yeah, there’s way more than 10! This was the toughest editing I’ve done in a while.) Listen Letterman, two can play at this game, Homie! I’m not intimidated by your fancy double breasted suits, two tone shoes,  and team of talented writers. (Bill Scheft, holla!)

Top 10 Best Google Searches for Muffintopmommy:

10. My boyfriend likes to pinch my muffin top. (But can he pinch an inch? If not, hit the bricks. I’m not down with that.)

9. dirty frat house (I beg your pardon? I know I said I pretty much *live* in a frat house, and while it may not be up to Martha’s prison standards, I do demand some degree of cleanliness. Just because I named my dust bunnies, you don’t have to be that way!)

I mean really, I wish my house were this lovely!

8. Real Housewives of New Jersey coke whoahh (All I did was quote Caroline Manzo in my Boston soda post, and they think I’ve got the goods on Dirty D? And whoahh as the phonetic spelling of whore….you gotta go back to the drawing board on that one, people.)

Is THIS by chance to whom you refer in your Google search? Just a guess!

7. Old school Tretorns, dirty Tretorns, 80′s Tretorns..I get a lotta Tretorn hits! (Hellz yeah! Kicking it old school. My Izod Cardigan is in the mail, yo.)

Admit it. This is a safe place. How much do you want a pair????

6. Jillian Michaels muffin top (Good one. This post really got people fired up. And me looking over my shoulder. Don’t hurt me, Jillian! ~Runs and hides under the bed…~)

5. I wanna tinkle (Get in line. But you came to the right place if you wanna bitch about having an audience!)

4. drunk lady (I beg your pardon?)

Fine, fine. I've been known to imbibe once in a Brew Moon.

3. drunk bear (‘SCUSE ME! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAR? DRUNK? MAYBE. BEAR? SCREW YOU!)

SORRY! That does not look like me! (Wait. My arse isn't that big, is it?)

2. pissed off women blogs (Now that just makes no sense. Pissed off? Moi? You wanna start? Huh? You wan’ an STFU sammie?)

1. And last? Show your muffin top. (That would really be a poor idea. Nowhere on this blog have I ever advocated for this. Why chance scarring the children for life?  The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against. Word. )

*Bonus round: muffin top porn. Yes, I said it. Muffin top porn. MUFFINTOPPORN! No, really. What is wrong with people?

Thanks to you all for searching, reading, and commenting. None of this would be any fun without you. And that’s a fact!