RULES AND REGS FOR A SUCCESSFUL SCHOOL YEAR OR, BEWARE OF THE CRAZYCAKE MOMMIES

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Posted in Awesomeness, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage | Posted on 30-09-2010

The following is a guest post from my fun gal pal, Lisa. You may remember her fracking hi-larious Christmas card rant and stunning recap of her Girl Scout volunteer extravaganza? Well she’s back, baby, and she’s on FI-RE. You also may recall my oldest just started kindergarten? Well, let me tell you, I’m what, five weeks into school and already I’m reading Lisa’s lists of rules and regs for a stress free school year and I’m all, “Oh word on that! Holla! Amen! Sing it, sister!”

Disclaimer: I’m sure she’s not referring to any of my lovely muffintop readers….~ducks and runs for cover~.

Ahem…I give you….the rules and regs:

No more checks!

IS THAT DUST ON THAT CHECKBOOK I SEE?


In this age of paperless technology, our checkbook doesn’t get out much. It seems to be happy spending quality time in the junk drawer with my old Walkman. Yet as soon as that school bus arrives, it’s a checkapolloza! Writing a check for less than $20 just seems criminal (far less criminal than writing a check for any amount at the grocery store, please refer to Janet’s past supermarket rant….but still…). $8 for a PTA membership fee. $12.20 for a school directory. $9.50 for the apple-picking filed trip. $3.25 for the migraine maker the music teachers insists on referring to as a ‘recorder’. Seriously – give me one lump sum at the beginning of the year and let me charge it.

If you’re allergic – stay away!

 
 
 

COME ON ALLERGY MOMS! YOU KNOW BETTER!

 If your child has any type of food allergy – please avoid the bake sale. We all feel badly that just trying to feed your child requires some sort of degree in chemical engineering. But if you need to use court room style interrogation tactics to try to extract the ‘truth’ about what type of cake mix someone used to make those cute little critter cookies with the chocolate chip eyes – you may want to consider getting your peanut/soy/gluten/mike/egg-free treats elsewhere. MTM NOTE: DUDE, MY KIDS HAVE PEANUT AND NUT ALLERGIES. DON’T BE TROLLING THE BAKE SALE IF YOUR KID IS ALLERGIC. HI, I’D LIKE A SNICKERDOODLE WITH A SIDE OF ‘DUGH’, PLEASE!
 

Don’t sell to the sellers!

 
 

SAVE IT...WE ALREADY GAVE AT THE OFFICE! ALL RIGHT, WELL MAYBE JUST ONE BOX....OINK.

 
No, I do not want to buy magazines/candy/wrapping paper/drugs to support your school/sports team/scout troop/gambling habit  – especially if MY CHILD IS SELLING THE SAME CRAP! Cardinal rule of fundraising – do not try to sell to fellow sellers. We have a hard enough time buying useless crap from our own kids and sadly we’re all going to the give the same crappy fundraising ‘gifts’ to the same mailman and teachers. (Unless of course you are selling Girl Scout Cookies, in which case we’ll gladly buy a box from each and everyone of you that asks. After all -  they do freeze well and nothing tastes better than Thin Mints on the beach.)

Pampered Chef is not a party – it’s a sales pitch!

OH COME ON! WHO CAN'T USE A HEART SHAPED SPATULA!

Ahhh the start of school -  it’s really nice to get together with the Moms again. If you want to get together for a drink  (or 2 or 3) – I’m always game. If you want to go shopping – let’s do just that. But when it comes to the ‘parties’, I really don’t want to buy your Cooking products/Candles/Clothing/Jewelry/Scrapbook stuff. Don’t take it personally, I may want to see you, but heck, now I’m out of checks and I’ve been oversold on fundraising crap. I’m saving my last dollars for a vacation at this point. Good for you for bringing some tasty treats and fun drinks to the sales pitch – but call it what it is. If you want an ‘excuse to get together for drinks’ – here’s one, it’s Tuesday and I’d love to see you – let’s go get a drink! MTM NOTE: ANY EXCUSE FOR A BEER IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME….BUT…I LOVE ME A SHOPPING VENUE THAT AFFORDS ME THE RIGHT TO BOOZE, SCHMOOZE, AND SHOP IN COMFORT. I LOVE ME SOME PARTY JEWELS AND SPATULAS!

Kindergarden sports do not groom future athletes!

NO, YOUR KID IS NOT NAMED RUDY--HE'S NOT GONNA PLAY FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH EITHER. LET THE DREAM DIE!

 Your child may be the next Pele´ – or not. I’m all for letting the kids try sports. What better way to work off their energy than running around a field like a swarm of bees trying to attack a honey pot. But please, they’re 5, so keep your voice down and your emotions in check. I’m sorry that you changed your license plate to read ‘TCHDWN’ and your kid is prancing around the field doing better pirouettes than Scott Hamilton. Aside from the dance steps, laying down on the field to examine the flowers and chasing butterflies should probably clue you in to the fact that he’s just not that into it. Try again next year. Or try something else – like dance class.

Not all playdates are meant to be!

UM, NO. JUST NO.

Just because children are the same age/in the same class/on the same team doesn’t mean they want to be friends. I may even really like you, but if your child likes to eat crayons and bite people – all playdates are off. Maybe we can get together for a drink – without a sales pitch – and leave the kids at home. Conversely, if your child is the sweetest thing in the world, but you’re more annoying than Kate Gosselin on Red Bull, then he/she can come play – without you. Please drop off your child and use the time to prepare your sales pitch (I mean plan for your next ‘party’).  And no – I don’t want to be friends on Facebook either.

Room Parents – no Drama Allowed

SAVE IT, SISTER. WE DON'T WANT ANY!

Life is full of drama. Parenting young children is hard enough. Sending them to school for the first time can be terrifying. So if you are an overly dramatic, high-maintenance drama queen, please, oh pretty PLUHEESE – do not apply for the job of room mom. Really – I’m sorry if you were passed over for your first modeling gig, or did not get elected president of your sorority, but the elementary classroom is no place for you to boost your ego. If you have some Martha Stewart-like talents to share, then by all means, we’re happy to have you lead a craft. If Iron Chef Booby Flay is a blood relative – then bring on the baked goods. But other than that – this is about glorified play time for the kiddos. Stop making holiday party games more complicated than the auditions for Jeopardy! Parents should not be required to do homework or catch up on all town gossip before attending a child’s school activity.  I don’t want to hear about who helped out, vs who dropped the ball, who bought vs. baked or who is wearing last year’s shoes.  It’s not about you, your achievements, your new make-up/purse/hairstyle/BMW, what you did in a past life or how uber-important you are to the community. Save your self sales pitch for the next Pampered Chef ‘party’.  Or better yet – tell everyone how great you are on Facebook. The teachers are just looking for a little bit of help, and all the kids want are cupcakes anyway.

AND THAT CONCLUDES OUR RULES AND REGS FOR A SUCCESSFUL SCHOOL YEAR. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M OFF TO BUY LISA A BEER AND TAKE HER TO A STELLA AND DOT/CLOTHING TRUNK SHOW PARTY SO I CAN HELP HER ALTER HER APPEARANCE SO SHE CAN MOVE ABOUT TOWN ANONYMOUSLY FREELY AFTER THIS POST IS PUBLISHED…

Comments (14)

LOL! One of the perks of getting older? My kiddos are no longer in the school system. :)

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This is quality stuff! Good tips and good laughs!

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Oh…My…Goodness…

Where were you about 7 yrs ago, Lisa, when I really needed you??

Hell to the yeah on all of your points–you are spot on! I was on PTA for three years and you would not believe all the drama queens I had to deal with (well, I guess you could).

I do have to say that I love Pampered Chef and Gold Canyon Candles, so those are two parties I cannot resist–especially if they are serving wine!

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Those rules apply all the way through school. My oldest is in 4th grade, and we still have to deal with disaster playdates and drama queen room moms.

I think this should be required reading at school orientation.

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Lisa for PTA President! Who’s with me?

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Thanks for adding the photos to enhance my rant…
Great shot of your little one with the fire – didn’t realize you caught that episode on film.

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@Linda…don’t be getting all smug on us now! :) I can feel your grin through my computer screen!
@Michelle…you should thank Lisa…you have three years to come to terms with this info!
@Jules, smart woman. Everyone needs a Lisa. Any place that has booze is fine by me. You want I buy your candle, spatula, or bracelet? Bill me up, buttercup, but don’t take my drink!
@Hokgardner….good call. Should we write Congress?
@Wendi…Lisa already is kind of a PTA mom, but she’s all stealth about it…unlike, ahem, some Texans I’m familiar with, she doesn’t wear her MILF tees to the meetings or moon the crossing guard. But there’s time yet….I’ll keep y’all posted down in TX.
@Lisa..if that’s my son then you know your daughter lit the match, so back off! And he can do that…because he’s totally playing for the IRISH some day, okay? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go polish my new Danskos for my room mother meeting and cupcake jamboree!

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Well stated Ladies—All the kids do really want are the cupcakes and Janet are you the room mother this year?? I have been wondering who was going to wear this f….. tiara I have from last year…..Seriously though it can be fun if you take it the right way like you Lisa and you stated….hear, hear…..Now I want to talk to you about writing my surgery blog complete with the 70′s funkmusic, what an experience!

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Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yesssss!!!! I must say that you are quite the wise one, considering that your oldest just started kindergarten. Being so jaded at such a tender, young age will serve you well. Stick to your guns, sista.

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Dianne….you’re scaring me with your tiara talk! Love to work on your surgery blog….step on up to share your story!

Sue….I so wish I could take credit for this brilliant post, but alas, I cannot. YOu must have missed the beginning part where I credited my sassafrassysassyassy gal pal, Lisa, for this lovely rant! Lest you worry, I’m every bit as jaded and armed with all the critical info I need to navigate the next thirteen to seventeen years of public school….all over again! :)

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