I can stop whenever I want.

I can.

I know I use every day, but I don’t have a problem. I swear. It’s totally under control. Look, it’s not like I’m hiding it from my friends and family. They know. Everyone knows.

I’ve never asked anyone to help support my habit. I pay for all my own stuff.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I only use a little enough to power a small locomotive. Up hill. Both ways.

Ok, fine! I’ve tried again and again and I just can’t stop!

Cream? Is my love. My boo. My paramour. (Tied with beer. But one vice at a time people. Don’t be overwhelming me like that! Repeat after me: I’m a mom. Not a martyr.)

Let me tell you something because I aim to rant educate here at muffintopmommy. Did you know? Cream has 30 calories and 3 grams of fat per serving? And one serving = one tablespoon.

No, it’s not crazy talk. It’s true!

Rat bastards! It’s a cream conspiracy! (I know it’s labeled clearly on the side of the container but how am I supposed to notice that at 6:30 in the morning when I’ve, hello, not had my coffee yet? It’s called a catch 22 people, stay with me!) And if you’re a user, you know. No oneuses one tablespoon. Pfft. That’d be like having two sips of beer, or one puff of a butt. (NOT that I’d know. Unless I was at a bar, had too many beers, and maybe some baddie offered me one puff. Really late at night. When all the good kids were in bed.   Just say no, kids!)

And no one? Drinks just one coffee. For. Real. Certainly not muffintoppers who stay up too late blogging to their own detriment for the good of the world, and have to get their kid (and the rest of the brood who can’t be left at home playing with matches and drinking Drano) to the bus stop at the ungodly hour of 7 AMishishish. Some people in this situation may have one… two…three…*cough* coffees in the morning and then, sometimes, one during midday slump (that’s 3 PM EST).

So here’s some muffintopmommy math for you kids. (Never you mind that Everyday Math from those geniuses out of the University of Chicago—THIS is real world!):

If muffintopmommy has 3 cups of coffee and each cup has 2 tablespoons of cream, that’s 6 tablespoons of cream. 6 tablespoons of cream X 3 grams of fat = 18 grams of fat and 180 calories! Let’s round that up to an even 20 grams of fat and 200 calories to account for….sloppy pouring as one view of my checkbook proves, I’m not a precise kinda gal.

Dude!!!

Where is that Eat This/Not That guy right now so he can tell me what yummy concoction I can EAT for TWENTY grams of fat! How ‘bout summa that steak from the other part of that creamy cow? Moooolicious! Ice cream? Something cheesy, ooey, gooey? What can I get? Tell me, tell me! What!

Sigh.

But that’s not the point is it? NO substitutions! And I don’t want ice cream. I want cream cream. Sweet elixir. In.my.coffee! But, I know I need to kick that cream right outta my life so I can lose some LBs!

PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW. IT'S NOT YOU, CREAM, IT'S ME!! *SOBS*

See, I knew at some point that damn gym would collide with my good times. A funny thing happened over the past six plus months. I’ve actually made a commitment to physical fitness and stuck with it. Who wouldda thunk? Remember when I joined? 

ADMIT IT. YOU TOTALLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA FALL OFF THE TREADMILL, TOO.

 And in the process, I’ve lost a few pounds, a pant size, and a shirt size. Most importantly, I feel better and stronger. Why, I even carried an armoire  with the hubs the other day (Could June Cleaver do that in her pearls? Nyet. The priss.)

Hubs said, “Wow, wifey, I don’t think you could have lifted this six months ago. It’s heavy as a bastard.”

And I said, “You know, you’re right. And I’m sure bastards are very heavy. This calls for a coffee break. And make mine cream, one sugar!”

While I’ve made progress, I know I could be making more. I’ve being going to the gym even more the past few months. But my weight has remained the same. And still…with the flab in the abs!

Shitake! That ain’t fair!

So, I had to have a come to Jesus meeting with myself.

Cream seemed like the quickest and easiest change to make. Bam. Twenty grams of fat x 7 days a week= 140 grams of fat lopped off just like that!!!

Easy, right?

And so, here I sit, having cream convulsions, my body fighting the transition to fat free cream, with it’s chemicalish taste and 20 calories per TWO tablespoons. The decreamification process is ugly. I can’t lie. I’m crabbity to the abbity. Look out—thare she blows!

LOOK OUT! THARE SHE BLOWS!!!!!

But you know what? I ain’t going down alone….

Final question….

How many fat and calories do you think are in the big old STFU sammies I’m giving to those cream pushers?! Farmer Joe and your herd o’ cows….look out!  You about to get a beat down, muffintop style!

PRETTY SURE I'M IN THE ACTING OUT STAGE. PLEASE.SEND.HELP!!!!