Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Suburban Madness, Uncategorized | Posted on 10-03-2011

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Dear Walgreen’s Pharmacy,

Thank you so very much for calling me this morning to remind me my prescription is ready. Also, you were so kind to warn me it will be returned to your inventory should I not pick it up soon. Since it’s not a rocking bottle of Percs, but instead a tiny tube of eczema cream for my son who’s currently not having a flare up (woot!), for some reason I don’t feel the sense of urgency you might imagine. I can surely understand how a  tube of cream weighing less than half an ounce is clogging up your bin o’ drugs and don’t blame you for wanting it gone asap.

My apologies for my very rude delay. I intended to pick up the cream two days ago, the day you filled it, after I took two of my sons to: vote, get a hair cut, buy shoes, visit deplete my savings at Tarjay (naturally), right after I picked up my other son at school. I did not forget you, I swear! You see, when we rolled up on your magic druggie drive thru window, it simply had a crude homemade sign hanging, with this message scrawled in black marker: WINDOW BROKEN. PICK UP INSIDE. (Uh, stay classy, Walgreen’s!)

Now I know what you’re thinking…..”Lazy McFattypants, are your legs painted on? Why didn’t you just walk your muffin top inside like the sign said? We have plenty of free parking here in our suburban Cow Hampshire location. Winning. Dugh!”

First, let me say, this being March in New England, I saw no fewer than three other cars blow through your drive thru right out of the parking lot. So apparently, Fatty loves company. But truthfully, had I not already schlepped through a half dozen errands wrestling shorties in and out of car seats/boosters all morning, trepsing into Wallie’s at high noon with the hungry horrors might not have felt so daunting, nor would I have shouted, “HELL to the NOOOO Walgreenie’s!” as I screeched away.

Moreover, Walgreen’s, Vegas odds are that I’d not be in the store one minute with the brood before this went down:

“Ooooh cann-eee! Cann-eee! I want can-eeee!!! Pop-pops! I wannnn popppp-poopppps!”

“Mom! Mom! They have cooool Matchboxes! Can I get one? Can I? Can I? Look! Look!”

“Mommmeeeeeee, what are those white things right there? I’ve seen them befooooreee, in, um, in, your battthroom? Mom. Mommy? Look.  These white rectangle things that have stickers on the back of them? What are those things anyway? Are they GIGANTIC band aids?”

Also? How do I know this window being closed bizness isn’t just a ruse to lure me in for Cadbury Mini Eggs? *Looks over shoulder.*

What? I am not paranoid! (Winning!)

Seriously. Do I look like I need this shit just to pick up a refill tube of hydrocortisone cream, for a kid who’s not having a flare up right now?


And do I want to bring my healthy kids to the germ encrusted waiting area, with it’s plume of flu-ey air? Do I need Typhoid Mary hacking on them while she waits for her typhoidicillin?

No. Just, no.

So yesterday, I drove up to the window with the crew again, only to find the same oogly sign. This time, 2 year old was snoring in the back. Fill in the blanks, pill pushers. Do you like being assaulted out of a cozy sleep by fluorescent lighting and the stench of Jean Nate perfume?

Today, after your heartfelt reminder, I thought for sure you were daring me to come see the sign was down and you were ready for biz…. But, nope.  Same sign, three days in a row now. Tsk, Walgreenies. You need to tell automated robot chick, at this point, whoever blinks first wins, and I ain’t blinking! I am NOT going in there! Now, I’m just pissed. Dunks would never stand for this! Their window is open ALL the time, and they have much better high cholesterol, high fat offerings!

And while we’re on the subject, does it take a Wharton guy to figure out you could make WAY more scratch at your lame ass drive thru if you started hawking coffee, gallons of milk, bread, baked Cheetos, BEER? (Walgreen’s drive thru….second lamest only to N.H. Toll Booth!)


You were all braggy in the media a few months ago about your new, awesome headache inducing cheap beer, ‘Big Flats’. Well, Big Fats ain’t trying it til you offer it up.

Tell the suits in Chicago this is how it’s done:

“Mrs. Muffintopmommy, can I interest you in a six pack of our Big Flat crap beer with your migraine medication this morning? Fitty cents off with your filled $40 prescription!”

*Glances at back seat* “Make it a twelve pack, throw in the Cheetos, and I gots me a three course meal! Sq-uee!!!”

When exactly is corporate America gonna stop acting all minor league and consult THE MOMS. We buy the beer! We buy the drugs! We choose where and when and how to buy the baked Cheetos! We say paper or plastic! Oh we have power and we are NOT afraid to flex it!

Mostly? WE decide if we need drugs badly enough to walk into a store with three little boys at lunch time during cold, flu, and Cadbury Mini Egg season!

So throw my excema cream back in the bin–I dare you.

In muffintops,


p.s. Look what happens when you try to deny service, Walgreenies…just bag up my beer, bitch, and no one gets hurt!

Comments (19)

LMAO! I had the SAME voicemail yesterday. Drove up this afternoon….read the sign, said, ” screw it!” and drove away! (3 kids in the back of my car, too!)

I’m texting the pharmacy manager, though….b/c they need to get that drive-thru fixed! 3 days not working? Unacceptable….
And I’ll mention the beer….after all…the pharma manager….is my brother! Lol!


My theory? I bet the drive-up window made them too cold, so they’re just *saying* it’s broken. Stick to your guns!


Walgreens pulled that same shit with me. I’m thinking CVS just might be the way to go. Afterall, it doesn’t seem like that bridge on Wallace is ever going to get fixed so I might as well try a new drive thru. By the way Muffintop….this one is definitely my favorite. I cried and laughed so hard while I was reading. Can so relate to your life. Love ya !!!! We need to have a cocktail togeher real soon.


Kim, that is classic. You need to be our mole and get the scoop!

Jeffe, hmmm, you might be onto something, but it’s balmy at around 35 here now, so I think they would have pulled that stunt when it was like zero. But who knows!!! I never thought of that!

Linda, CVS is my boo. I way love it over Wallie’s. But Wallie’s IS so close to me and no crazy bridge sitch. But pfft, if I were you, I’d totally go back to “today’s neighborhood drugstore”! And I’m up for a drink anytime! Maybe not Big Flats?!!!


Just bag up my excema cream, beeyot, and nobody gets hurt… are so gonna get a call from the New Hampshire Armed Robbery Task Force if you keep talking like that!!!


Bring it, 5-0! I’m clean. I’ve nothing to hide! Those cops would be running from my car once they heard all the whining in the back!! They’d be all, “Forget it–run along!!”


you should have written on the window…call me when it’s fixed and don’t put back my f’ing cream!


Debbie, that is awesome! I should so do that tomorrow! Between the boys and I, we could really leave our mark. Though, I’d hate to start the weekend in the slammer with my boys. That would be a buzz kill before I could get my hands on some Big Flats!!


ROF,LMAO!! (By the way, I wish that were possible. Sadly, my ass is still there.)

You might think a post like this would make me nostalgic for when my own kiddos were tots.

You would be wrong.

There are perks to getting older, baby! And one of them is that your kids grow up and become a lot more fun to shop with. What’s a little gray hair and a few wrinkles compared to that? ;)


I am eagerly awaiting your culinary review of Big Flats.


Update: the sign is still up! This is war! ANd it’s pouring rain today!!!

Linda, you’re too much. And I’m getting the wrinkles and grey already—not fair!!! :)

Amelia, I can’t believe you don’t carry it at Felicia’s. You need to get on that, girl!!!


Seriously, what is up with that Walgreens?? It is convenient, but they are drive thru meanies. I had a wicked feverish kid in the back picking up his meds and asked for a bottle of childrens tylenol too– NO CAN DO! Are you kidding me? So its better to bring a kid with 103 fever into the store and breathe on everyone…


Jen, seriously….oh man, if they won’t even throw you a mercy Tylenol bottle throught the window, we ain’t never getting Big Flats! Dayum!

These corporate hacks do NOT know how rich they could be if they just gave us muthas what we want!!! DUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hilarious! And so very, very true! Now if only you would move to the O-H, where we have drive-thru beer and liquor stores! Now if they would only be so kind as to merge with a Walgreen’s…


Ohhhh, Clare! I do remember those from college! I always thought those stores seemed like SUCH a horrible idea……until……..I had three shorties in the car! There is NO reason mama should be denied her beer and wine. Bring it! To. ME! I might need to move to Ohio just for that perk!!!!! (Not to be confused with, “percs”, which I remember fondly from giving birth to a 9 + lb beefcake—adorable, but yet, a beefcake!!!


Listen, I hear you sister. You need some good soldiers for your revolution, I offer my services. I have to go out today and I promise to drive through at least one Walgreen’s. Stop at the window (as long as said drive thru is not broken) I will ask when your window is getting fixed.

I think we should let them know until they do, the rest of their Walgreen drive thru’s could be plugged with other revolutionaries asking the same question.

Stay Strong!


Thank you Walgreens for giving me 6 years of work and then letting me go when my wife was pregnant and we were going through tough personal times. The compassion given by your management team and loss prevention when I did nothing incredibly wrong will not be forgotten. You asked a lot from us pharmacists and I gave you everything, but that was not enough. You now are able to place your interns (that you have a contract) and get a cost savings by getting rid of a pharmacist. Citing that my production decreased when I went from one of the best pharmacies in the district to one of the worst and then taking away experienced technician help…how convenient to your company.


BTW Walgreens…your computer systems have become increasing slow and outdated. Your management style is mechanical, much like the military, and your only desire is to please Wall Street. Remember this, you are playing with real humans with real brains…we are smart enough to realize that Walgreens is not the center of the world. Whoa to you fools who have arrogance, price your products higher than all competitors, act like you care (for a moment), then turn your backs when the job is too difficult to handle. Perhaps Walgreens is no longer a pharmacy that cares…BTW, I was saying “Take Care” to your customers for years before you stole my line to create “Take Care” clinics. Thieves and manipulators never win!


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