STEP AWAY FROM THE CORN ON THE COB AND NO ONE GETS HURT!

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Posted in Awesomeness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Suburban Madness | Posted on 20-09-2011

Confession: I can be very impatient.

They say patience is a virtue, but it’s not a virtue that shares my DNA. Perhaps it went missing with my waistline. And my dowry. And my ability to do long division. I really don’t know.

See, my impatience manifests itself into little voices rattling in my head, as I bite my tongue till it bleeds. (I don’t need medicine! I’m NOT the one with the problem…read on! Read on!)

 If anyone could hear these voices, they might be scared. Sometimes they seep out under my breath and my husband is privy to them—he says I’m “sick”, that I need to calm down. I guess he’s the yin to my yang, or is it the yang to my yin? Either way, he might just save me from myself some day.

Is it wrong that I daydream about slamming people in the grocery store with my honking race car shopping cart (which are ridiculously hard to steer…I would soooo get away with it)? I admit it, I have produce rage.

MOVE IT ALONG, HOMIES, MOVE IT ALONG!

If I’m standing behind you and you are hemming and hawing for what seems like an eternity over which ears of corn to choose—peeling the corn back, scrutinizing the ears like you’re a mad scientist in a lab—I might just fantasize about picking one up and beating you upside the head with it.

Come on! You’re buying an ear of corn—not choosing a husband, not picking a house (God help those people’s realtors if this is the saga involved in choosing a vegetable. There is not a high enough commission percentage in the world.) I wouldn’t mind, but corn costs like $1.99 for 739 ears. I want to shove $2 at the corn huskers and just shout, “It’s on me—live with reckless abandon and just randomly pick some and GOOOOOO! Be free from the ties that bind….try it, you’ll like it!”

DON’T PEEL ME, BRO!

These have to be the same people in the deli line who order five slices of ham. Five slices? What is that about? You can’t round up to the nearest quarter pound even? What are you doing with five slices of ham? Have you calculated that five slices is the right amount for one sandwich? Are you putting said ham in some kind of recipe? If you ordered a third of a pound and you got seven slices, would that rock your world? You don’t know a dog or a teenager you can throw an extra slice of ham at?

I’m certain the people who putt down the center of the grocery aisles going one mile an hour and refuse to move to the side so you can pass, are the exact same culprits going 45 mph in the fast lane on the highway. I’m not a speed racer by any means (Safety first! Meep!), but people like this just cause needless traffic jams. Worse, I’m positive their snail pace causes accidents, and theorize their lane hogging is actually a symptom of being so self centered they don’t care about the other shoppers and drivers. Now that’s just rude and ignorant—which on the scale of not so great qualities, are far worse transgressions than being impatient. Right? Right?

The only caveat with the supermarket lane hog is if the person is elderly. I can’t get annoyed if an older person is in the way at the grocery store, and no one should ever give someone’s granny a hard time—that’s just wrong. (And if I see you doing it, you’re on notice—you will get a size 8 shoe up your butt or I’ll squish you with my muffin top.)

Besides, we’ll all be old someday. Today, we get carded. (When the cashier forgets her glasses.) Tomorrow, we’re short bussing it to the market clutching the sale flyer— and don’t you forget it.

Old people are also the only ones who get a pass for WRITING A CHECK.

Who even writes a check anymore besides 85 year old ladies? The 85 year olds get a pass because God love ‘em for being out shopping and kvetching about banana prices. But frumpy 40 year olds, they should know better than to hold up the line writing a check since the FREAKING debit card came into favor 15 years ago when they were 25, which leads me to deduce they are just annoying and in desperate need of a corn cob slap as a general public service. You’re welcome.

Really, how you conduct yourself in the grocery store speaks volumes about you as a person. Take heed of my rules and we’ll be fine. Otherwise, you just might get hit with an errant banana if the hubs doesn’t keep me in check. (Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not perfect either. Let’s discuss this over some corn….I’ll buy, you fly!)

Comments (18)

I pet peeve is people who use the self scan who have no clue how to use it. I want to shiv them.

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Good one. How’d I forget that? The bozos who get in the 14 items or less with like 1400 things can bite my muffin top, too. Seriously. The grocery store does not bring out the best in moi!

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I have to admit giving corn and all my veggies a quick once-over before buying or eating. At lunch, mmy co-workers used to call me the ” salad inspector”and mock the side of my plate, where all the rejected vegetables went. But i”m not a corn-peeler. No. Those folks ruin it for everyone. Imma tell you where to put that corn cob, mister.

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I”m ALL for a quick inspection…..you’re paying good money for food and we’ve all been burned. I’m talking ’bout the people who are afraid to commit with an ear of corn. Oh, and how about the peeps who stand with their ass sticking out of the freezer door for an eternity? Move it along, Ass Mc Assypants! (I’m bad. I know. I admit it.)

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LOL! You hit on every one of my pet peeves and my own Mother, God Bless Her, does them all. I used to take her grocery shopping every other Saturday but I simply couldn’t take it any more. I’m so glad to learn I am not the only that feels this way. You are so funny and you really made my day. Thanks!

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Carol, my mom and even to an extent the hubs, are corn peelers—I don’t care. WHen it comes to corn peelin’, I ain’t loyal. I just.can’t.take.it. I’d rather buy a few more ears and live with reckless abandon and if a few are not the best, cut that part off. Life’s too short to peel corn. OLE! :)

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OMG this was hysterical….b/c I am the same way in the grocery store. I want to get in, get my stuff and leave. GGGRRRRR…get out of my way!

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I’m with you! I don’t pick individual green beans, either. I grab a couple of handfuls and go. The dog will eat the one or two bad ones.

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I’m not sure what I like better – ‘don’t peel me, bro’ or ‘I’ll squish you with my muffin top’.
I’ll be over for lunch later with 3 slices of turkey and 18 grapes.

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@Kristen….thanks and I hope you’re shopping when I am. We can blast down the aisles together!
@Carol…so with you…..I would rather stab my eye with a fork than go through beans one by one! By then I’d lose a kid anyway!
@LIsa…I’m partial to don’t peel me, bro….as I’m always ready to do battle with the top de la muffin…..sounds good…I could go for one turkey slice. Nom.

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I’m a pretty laid back grocery shopper, but hubs has a pet peeve. Bugs the stew out of him to see people breaking up bunches of bananas just so they can get the best ones from several different bunches.

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Well Linda, not everyone can drink a G and T before they hit the grocery store, sheesh! :) O.M. to the G. I have never on my worst produce rage ever seen anyone do that to bananas but that is banana blasphemy!!! Oh your hubs and I could go corn cob slapping together on that one. WHAT! (Then you could come bail us out of jail as I’m not positive but I think a corn cob slap might constitute assault? I dunno. But breaking up bananas is a crime so…I’d say we’d be doing a public service!)

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Tee hee! Did I ever tell you I always read every comment? They’re F to the ‘reakin hilarious!

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I LOVE the comments. I live for the comments—they are hysterical every time. I love the peeps who read MTM and appreciate every comment–even from Miracle Ear lady. HEE HEE>

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Omg I love you. I couldn’t agree with you more if I was in your head telling you these things.

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Thanks, Marta! Given your attitude, I’m sure I’d love you too…let’s go bust up some $hit at the supermarket!! No seriously, I lost a blog subscriber and a Facebook “liker” after I posted this so I got nervous I might have angered some corn peelers, so I’m glad to hear feedback like this. Meep! Rage on in produce!

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So I am not the only one who wants to go all Freddy Kruger over someone for blocking the grocery aisle, handling the peaches just a little too lovingly, and taking out their 150,000 coupons in checkout? I think you and I could realistically change it from “going postal” to “going grocery”…”Clean up Aisle 3, Muffin and Jules just went psycho!”

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HA HA HA, Jules–I just saw your comment! Let’s do it, girl!! i swear I’m a nice person but the grocery store brings out my innner meanie!!!

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