JOY TO THE WORLD. YOU TAKE MY BARGAIN? I SMASH YOU.

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Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 28-11-2011

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Whew!

I’m happy to report I survived Black Friday.

Granted, I was in my snowman pajamas snuggled under the covers sawing wood til the late hour of half past 8, but I am just so grateful my 2 year old didn’t pepper spray me and no one stepped on my face for some Wheaties here at Casa de Muffin Top. I know others did not fare so well.

I was worried. You just never know where danger lurks.

I love me some bargains but oooh, the thought of getting out of my toasty roasty bed after hosting T-giving (that’s right…..and opening that can of cranberry sauce was the last straw…it totally did me in…)was too much for any 50% off wafflemaker. Unless Coach Taylor was up for grabs, I was just not ready to do battle with the people of Walmart. I’m klutzy on a good day–half asleep with gravy coursing through my veins–you know I wouldda gotten taken out by one of those scooter people cuz I’d be too slow to pole vault away into a display of Faded Glory madness.

So here I sit. Not one Christmas present purchased. Not.a.one.

And the overacievers on Facebook are stressing me out. (You know who you are, you crazy little elves, you. Bastards!)

You know the ones–they’re putting status updates like this up:

Tree trimmed? Check! Lights up? Check! Christmas quilts on all the beds? Check! Holiday afghans knitted for the senior center? Check! Christmas presents for friends, family, bus driver, teachers, mailman, street sweeper, babysitter, dog walker, newspaper mystery delivery person, check out girl at supermarket, brother’s girlfriend’s stepfather’s sister purchased, wrapped, and under tree? Check, check, and cha-eck! Gifts from toy drive for needy children wrapped and dropped to shelter?  Check. *

Ugh oh. I knew I should have started my shopping in 2010!

I’m a terrible person! The worst! A total procrastinator. I have nothing for my kids! For the needy kids! For the hubs! The teacher! The seniors! The distant almostsortakinda relative! The butcher! The baker! The candlestick maker!

 Think, think, think. I can do this. I’m not stressed. I’m not.

See now that I’m off my pneumonia meds, I can hit the sauce.

Can you have a beer while you shop at Walmart?

NOOOOOOOOOO. (You really should be able to. It might take the sting out of some of the scenery. No really. Seriously.)

UMMMM. I DON'T SEE ANY POURING GOING ON, WALMART LADIES. SO NO DICE!

But I can in my family room. While I’m on my computer. Shopping til I drop in my snowman jammies! I can google for coupon codes with my best pepper spray game face on. GRRRRRRRRRRR. I can throw my muffin top around the family room and pretend to knock down little old ladies for wii games while I’m on toyrus.com! JOY TO THE WORLD! WINNING! It’s the reason for the season, yo!

 

CRUSHING CYBERSPACE FROM THE COUCH. HUZZAH! PARTY SNACKS AND BEERS INCLUDED. AND MAYBE SOME RHONJ RERUNS. ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ME SOME CHINCHILLA??

 

I can have hot chocolate with fluffed marshmallow vodka while I swoop in and crush some ebay auctions.

Hellz yeah.

Don’t –don’t even try to grab up the last blender at amazon.com or I will cut you. I will. I will find your cyber arse and cut you with my sword mean unChristmasy, un Jimmy Stewart words.

It’s holiday time. It’s on. Good tidings to all and to all a good figh–I mean, night. Night!

*If this was your status update though, let’s be friends! Really! You can help people like me!

Comments (16)

I’ve got my pajamas on and glass of wine in hand, and I am joining you in your online shopping festivities! Woo-hoo! You know how to throw a party, girl! Cheers!

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OH yeah! Bottoms up! But listen. I count you as a friend, Amelia. But if you take the last pair of fuzzy slippers from 6pm.com (free shipping til 12/31!), I will smoke you. With a double shot of half and half. I will.
:)

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Drinks would make me want to shop at Walmart. Right now even typing that would has me breaking out in a cold sweat.

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HAHAHAHA…OMG I love it!!!
Yes I am one of those people that have it done early! First, I did not go out on black friday. Too scarey for me!! I took avantage of the great weather (even though I am ready for snow). Putting up my lights without my teeth chattering and hands freezing was great!! Shopping without the howling 10 below winds and snowbanks was amazing!!
I am not done yet but I will fininsh online!! I have just a little more, not much!!!
Thanks for the laughs Janet!!!

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Libby, Walmart is much less scary from my couch!

Lisa, you are sick!!!!!!!!!!! But I love ya anyway!

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I have not done one thing and won’t until December 1st. I regret this every year, but it just seems wrong to get in the spirit before December. I tried to get into the Cyber Monday thing but it just stresses me out…lol
Now where’s my Lunesta??

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Thank you, Jules!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and I did order one thing tonight, paid for it, and then got an email saying it was out of stock and wouldn’t ship til Dec. 2nd!!!!!!!!!! It’s a sign I tell you!

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The house is sorta decorated. I have two presents and a ton more to go. If I’m not in a store on Christmas Eve, it isn’t Christmas. No worries, it’ll get done. Have an egg nog.

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Holy stress! Is there safety in numbers? Because I don’t have a single thing purchased either. Or wrapped. Or baked. Or decorated. I haven’t even put the box of Halloween decorations back in the basement.

I got my first Xmas card in the mail yesterday and almost lit it on fire.

Holy shit. I’m in big trouble aren’t I.

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You go girl and be proud! I always do my christmas shopping online because A) I am lazy as hell and B) shopping in my PJ’s is the only way to get it done in my opinion.

My FB status reads: No lights up, no tree, and not bothering with cookies this year. Bite me!

I’ll get it done next week. Maybe.

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@Jeannie It will all get done–always does! I’m just hoping more gets done with me sittin’ on my tush this year!
@Iris I got a card already too! And I gave that sender a piece of my mind—all in the Christmas spirit I might add!
@Alyson…love your update! We do have our tree up bc I was beaten down by the fam….4 to 1…but that’s about it!!!! And yes, I think there may be a certain lazy fadtor involved in my shopping plans!! Love it!

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Given that our Thanksgiving morning was spent hiding Halloween decorations in a closet while trying to make dinner (and of course watch the parade..), I cannot imagine being remotely ready for Christmas before Dec.

Janet – I’ll be over for drinking/cyber shopping party.

Iris – I like your idea. All cards that arrive before Dec. 10 will be lit on fire.

Cheers to all of the procrastinators out there – may you survive the ‘joys’ of the season.

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Person of Walmart that I am, I am Cyber Monday, bay bay, all the way.
Hilarious post, great idea!!

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@Lisa Glad we weren’t the only ones stuffing Halloween stuff away while the bird was in the oven! Come on down for the cyber party…you can wear your snuggie and feety pajamas!

@Dawn You are a Walmart shopper….not a person of Walmart! Big diff! I am happy to skip to the Faded Glory beat from time to time….but I just try to avoid the toothless folk by the beef jerky!!!!!!!

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Love this! I’m so in your camp. Not a present bought or a decoration hung. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t care, Shelby’s too little to know, and I’m not letting myself worry about it. Last year it took me so long to display people’s Christmas cards that I left them up until June. JUNE! I’d burn them, too, but I know people paid good money for them. I’m not even sending my own this year; first time ever for that, but let’s face it, they’d be more like Valentine’s cards anyway. Cheers to the season!

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Laura, I’m getting a little more in the spirit now that it’s actually December! I’m sure those cards brightened your decor so I’m glad everyone got their money’s worth out of them–hee.
Now go have some spiked egg nog!

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