Posted in Awesomeness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Suburban Madness, TMI? Says who! | Posted on 21-03-2012

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Won’t you be my neighbor?

I promise I won’t spy over your hedges, park a rusty car in my yard, and will always lend you a cup of sugar. Or beer. 

The house next door has been on the market for several months. And every time there’s a showing, the kids get all excited and shriek, “Maybe those are our new neighbors!” “Maybe!” I reply cheerfully, but inside, my heart races at the prospect of the unknown! Will they be friendly/unfriendly/TOOfriendly? Will they have noisy parties with lots of booze and debauchery? Will they have noisy parties with lots of booze and debauchery and not invite me? Will they run a Pilates boot camp in their back yard and INvite me?

Oh gawd, oh gawd, who will it be? Seriously. Having a new neighbor wouldn’t terrify me so much, except the neighbor’s kitchen window looks clear out into my back yard. And our last neighbor was an older man who totally kept to himself. I’m a hundred bazillion percent certain he wouldn’t have noticed, or given a rat’s arse,  if I were running around back there dancing like the Situation, kicking a can yelling, “Victory will be MINNNNNE!”


I was JUST thinking maybe I should take matters into my own hands and start actively soliciting some new fun neighbors (Where you going? Come back!) when I received an email from our friend and neighbor busting my chops. We’ll call said neighbor, “Badam”. Badam tried to trick me by starting the email in a complimentary fashion, but I knew better–this ain’t my first street fight.  The hammer dropped in paragraph two:

If I may, though, I’ll offer another economic tidbit that might be helpful to another of our neighbors, you, and the muffintop hubs.   Supply and demand works in a funny way.  Driving around the ‘hood you will notice a number of homes for sale.  That’s the supply part.  On the demand side, there is much that consumers look for.  A common axiom related to the purchase of real estate, which I am sure that you have heard, is “location, location, location.”  What this means is that when consumers can choose from a variety of available properties, they are likely to choose the one that has all that they desire and more – especially if it is in a good spot (i.e. location).  This probably will include their perceptions about the residents adjacent to their potential purchase.  What is my point you ask?  Simply this – that perhaps living next to a shed that is only painted on three sides says something to the potential homebuyer about the existing neighbors.   


P.S. – This is sent only as a wise-ass comment, and is not related in any way with my ARB responsibilities.  And if anyone asks, if the by-laws are read with a strict constructionist’s eye there is nothing in there specifically prohibiting a ¾ painted shed. <——-    (Good to know, Badam, shanks!)

Side note: The ARB to which Mr. HallMonitorNarcBadassBadam refers to is the “architectural review board”. You’re supposed to contact them when you make any changes to your property, which I find rather puzzling since I reside in a neighborhood of suburban tract homes that, while lovely in their ImaytrytoenteryourhomebecauseohwowyouhavetheexactsamehouseasmebutyourdoorcolorisdifferentbutIforgotmyglassesandohimsortatipsyway, 

and I’m relatively certain might be made from popsicle sticks and glue, but hey, who am I to fight the MAN?

Since I’m old fashioned, anything outside is all on my hubs. (Unless I want him to cook dinner/mop the floor/make a bed. Then I’m not old fashioned. This is how you do it, June!)  And some intel on the shed: It was installed in my backyard last year on the promise from the hubs that it would be painted, flowers would be planted in the cutesy little flower box, and shrubs would flank it—in short, it was supposed to look better than my real house! (I might have had visions of stashing myself in there with my crack Pinterest, sipping a cocktail! I’m not above partying with power tools for some alone time.)

So I forwarded the email to my MAN. I said, “Nice going, dude. Badam’s challenging your manly skillz and Imma holding the bag. If you’re looking for me Saturday, I’ll be loitering at Lowe’s hoping Yard Crashers from HGTV finds me!”

He took immediate and decisive action by responding promptly to Badam, throwing me–the woman who bore his three children, one with an epidural I KNOW was fake–under the bus, “I can’t take that much credit, only ½ of it is painted.  If I haven’t painted the back side, facing the neighbor’s house, why would the side facing the “swamp” be painted?  Come on, I only have a few hours during a day to get stuff done until my wife wants to play “kill the cooler”.”

That was uncalled for. And utterly not really false!

I felt inclined to set the record straight.

“Now…BAdam. Surely you know I’m much more savvy than you realize. The 1/2 to 3/4 painted shed is all part of my master plan. You see, the kitchen window in the adjacent property overlooks my deck and my backyard. This is unfortunate for a few reasons. If I may?

Scene one: New neighbors glance out the window to see Muffintopmommy guzzling domestic beer out of a can at 4 PM while her minor children play “Ninjago” with discarded paint brushes and snack on bags of potting soil hubs has yet to put to use on aforementioned shed.

 Scene two: New neighbors glance out the window to see Muffintopmommy frolicking in her wt blow up pool in her Miracle (but not miraculous enough–a hundred bucks, a wish and a prayer only gets you so far, Badam! You’re just lucky your wife does triathalons, mkay?) bathing suit with her screaming white Irish skin, in the shadows of a gorgeous 1/2 painted shed. 
Scene three: New neighbors glance out the window to see Muffintopmommy frolicking in wt blow up pool in her Miracle suit with her screaming white Irish skin guzzling domestic beer out of a can while her kids screech, “Mama, I thirsty toooooo!” in the shadows of a gorgeous 1/2 painted shed.”

I don’t need upstanding people moving in next door spying on my Clampett lifestyle, getting all up in my biz, calling social services and slipping Weight Watcher and Supertan brochures under my door. Do.not.need.it.
So? The shed? Well, it’s genius is what it is. That shed screams to potential buyers, “Keep on walking, Jack. Ain’t nothing to see here!”

Because we all know the best neighbors, besides fences, are NO neighbors.

By the way, what are you doing Friday night? Wanna come over and play kick the can while hubs paints the shed? Come on over if you’re not too busy with the nerd herd Hall Monitor convention!”

Now if you’ll pardon me, muffintoppers/potential neighbors,I’m off to enjoy my remaining wt solitude while the getting’s good—since hubs has promised to paint the rest of the shed soon, time’s a ticking!


Comments (19)

Nooo! Don’t paint the shed!! KEEP the tri-athletes at bay!
Fun-nay, fun-nay! Just love the visuals, my BDB! :)


Thanks, Dawn! Good advice. And come on, aren’t you in the market for a move to the East Coast? You know, we have Olive Garden here! :)


LOL! Hey, I’d move in next door to you in a heartbeat. We could guzzle beer and frighten the neighbors together. ;)


@Linda Don’t tease me like that! How much fun could we have! OMG! :)


My husband bought our current house without me. And he said, “The only thing that bothers me is that the neighbors never close their garage door and their garage is full of crap” So not only do I get to look at that every time I leave my house, they have so many cars jammed onto a single lane driveway, that instead of shuffling cars around they just drive over the grass and use my driveway. First & last time I move into an upscale neighborhood! lol


Jules! No! That’s grounds for divorce, lol! Doesn’t my shed seem so upscale now? Won’t you be my neighbor?!


Badam sounds wicked funny too. I bet he is sexy as hell too.


@MEeeeeeeeg Um, yes, yes, he is. Why do you think I invited him over to play kick the can? You silly.


I am so jealous of anyone who gets to be your neighbor! Can I come over one day this summer to lounge in the pool? I ll bring my box of wine. And also if the kids say they are bored and need something to do, have them paint the shed.


I would love to be your neighbor! I have had four neighbors in six + years here, the latest being the worst. The one before dressed like a ho but tried to keep quiet. This one has ruined our property value by killing dozens of trees and creating a “beach” onto his retaining (slime) pond. (say hi to 101 kids!) He even has a paddle boat and a trampoline for his version of neverland…and a hot tub to support his newly single life and all night parties with a live band (light show included!). He sets a great example for his four high school and college aged children who swear loudly as they jump on the trampoline. But, I can’t blame him too much as his wife switched teams. Poor kids must be so messed up.
So, be careful what you wish for! I suspect I have the towns’ worst neighbor, Napolean. Now I pray for another for sale sign and the hopes of normalcy.
I would move in a minute if it weren’t for buying at the height of the real estate market. :(
Newly bitter again this am as he has parked his trashy trailer for me to look at from our big kitchen window.


@Kristen….I love your child labor idea! Come on over anytime! You’ve been forewarned as to the conditions. HEE.

@Debbie….wow, you hit the neighbor jackpot! I hear you on buying at the height of the market. I will probably be living here when I’m 80!


Lol. I love that your neighbor actually called out your unpainted shed. I’m hoping my neighbors never slip me any notes about the crazy amount of weeds or untrimmed grass making its way across the fence line to their yards.


@Marta….I’ve actually known them since before we lived in the hood and they live down the street and don’t have to look at the WT shed so that made it kind of funnier. If it was an abutter I would’ve made hubs run out at midnight and paint it!!! :)


Neighbors are tricky. Like you say, what if they are unfriendly/friendly/too friendly? A major reason we have stayed in our home all these years is that we actually like our neighbors (Well, three out of four ain’t bad). They are friendly and we occasionally will chat over a beer instead of a fence.

I always thought they were nice enough and thought no further about it. That is, until this past summer when they risked their safety during a hurricane to help my husband rid of a tree threatening our home.

So maybe good neighbors are better than no neighbors?


@Jolyse….I totally agree…..good neighbors are WAY better than no neighbors….I was definitely being kind of facetious on that because I love people in general and am social. But it is SO the luck of the draw on who you get—especially when they overlook your sanctuary—the backyard! But you definitely have great neighbors and that is such a reason to stay put. Truly! So glad you were all safe, btw!!!


I’m so glad I stopped in this morning! East coast, you say? Where? I would totally be your neighbor.

We just moved here from Austin, TX where the hippies, I mean people, are so nice and friendly. Here in DC, not so much. Too many politicians (gasp!) and seriousness for my liking. Not a one of them would know a good box of wine if it was chucked over their fence.


Dawn, that’s a crying shame. Anyone worth their salt should be well versed in box wine and not take themselves too seriously. Maybe that’s why politics are such a mess? We need more box wine drinkers and funny peeps in DC!

You should’ve kept going north! I live an hour north of Boston in southern NH….most of the people are actually very cool, but I fear the unknown of who might be peeping out that window soon! So hop on 95 and get up here!


HAHAHAHA!!! That is HELL-arious. Seeing as I am trying to sell my house, I totally understand, both for the neighbors and the one selling. I get all sorts of “suggestions” as to why no one is buying my home. Really, I think it boils down to the bonfire/initiation ritual I did naked in the front yard we are all trying to recover from. For some reason, folks just don’t like a crazy woman on the loose. Better luck next time!!!


Oh good luck @Alyson! I hope you sell your home quickly and the new owners are just as fun as you were! :)


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