Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 08-05-2012

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All right. Back to the funny bidness at muffintopmommy. That last post was cathartic but I’m ready to move on embrace being irreverent!

Oh, p.s., I did my good holy deed this week. Last night we took the kids out to dinner, and three nuns in full habits were sitting at the table across from us. Luckily, the boys brought their A-game.  No one took the lord’s name in vain even me,  although 3 year old did ask me if they were “the ice cream ladies” (I have no clue what he meant by that but I know my grandmother is in heaven clutching her rosary beads pleading, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what went wrong?”)

Hubs sneaky eavesdropper was floored to hear one of nuns say, “This is one of Adam Levine’s songs playing right now. He’s on The Voice and is really interesting!” Oh sister, muffintopmommy fistbump. He’s interesting all right. Is now a bad time to admit he’s on my Pinterest pinboard under the category of, “People I’m allowed to cheat on the hubs with”?




So what if he weighs less than I do—many have faced greater challenges. Like infidelity. Which I would potentially totally commit with Adam Levine. But it would be infidelity with an asterisk after. Infidelity*: Hubs telling me to go for it is roughly akin to the time I was 8, huffed to my parents I was running away, packed my pleather rainbow suitcase (We are the world!) full of Ramona Quimby books and stuffed animals….and, they patted me on the head and wished me bon voyage.


They knew I was rolling in my pleated coolots straight toward THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE and would circle right back even though they dressed me in questionable attire with even more questionable travel accessories. I blame Fred Rogers. Lady Elaine ain’t real! (And neither is my quest for faux adultery. Don’t call the priest! Don’t.call.the.priest!)

Anyway, back to the good sisters. One of them forgot her leftovers so I ran out to the parking lot to give them to her. (Who knew when their next yummy meal would be? You know the padres probably get all the good eats. Grr.) The three were walking with their backs to me so I yelled, “Excuse me, sister?” and naturally they all turned around. “I had a feeling you’d all turn around!” I bellowed. (Badum dum dum…I just couldn’t help myself. Kind servants of God, they laughed at my lamo joke. Plus, they could see I had their chicken parmesan. And had been drinking.)

Me, 1. Kindly Nuns with kickass musical taste, 0.

Anyway, I do good deeds. I was practically in a coma, forced to drink draft beer with my dinner on a Monday night in front of the good sisters, because I had chaperoned a field trip to the wilderness. After riding on a plush, pimping yellow bus full of screaming first graders for half an hour, we got to look at frog skeletons, stuffed birds, catch bugs, and troll for creatures in a pond with nets and buckets. The woman who guided our tour is a howl and busted my chops for screeching, “Eeew! Yucky bug!” and guffawing at two bugs mating. Worst chaperone ever.

(Sidenote? Today I woke up with a migraine. Coincidence? Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever complain about teachers having their summers off. They need them to recuperate!)

I tried. But I am clumsy in nature. My idea of being outdoorsy is reading People mag at the beach or playing recreational cookout sports. Wiffleball while balancing a beer? Yes, please! Teetering with a bucket in swampophilia? Um, no!

Another mom and I were chatting with the teacher about camping. She asked if I ever camped and I said, not really, because…. hubs and I are afraid of the woods. And don’t like bugs (who I now know thanks to the field trip are vital to our survival…but sorry, still not a fan!). And , we would scream like a 5 year old girl if we saw a wild animal. Yes! Squirrels are too scary! I would be all about camping if I were with someone who knew what they were doing— provided I had a campfire, running water, a shower, warm bed, smores, cocktails, and faux camped on the perimeter of the woods close to vital amenities like Target and the liquor store. Is that too much to ask?

I have no survival skills. None. I would rather be dumped onto a random city street at 2 AM with just my wits about me than be alone in the woods. Truth. At least you can negotiate with people in the city. You’re bound to find someone to help you. In the woods? Bugs? Would bite me. Food? No one delivers. Animals? Would totally eat me for dinner. They’d be all, “Look at that tasty muffin top!” And it would be game over.

Dumped in the city? No prob. Kind of like the time two of my colleagues and I wandered away on a business trip after hitting some bars in a strange city and found ourselves foraging for food at 2 AM. (Unrelated: none of us became CEO. Or CFO. Or anything with a capital “O” at the end.) Did I panic when we walked into the Domino’s Pizza and it had bullet proof glass? No. I just took it to mean Domino’s was the best damn pizza that city had to offer and that people would of course kill for it (It was the midwest. Sorry midwest. I luvs you long time and you rule at BBQ. But pizza should not be made west of NYC.). So, I gave the kid at the window $10 to sell me the very next pizza that came out of the oven. (You haven’t lived ’til you’ve played pizza roulette….was I getting Pepperoni? Was I getting ham and pineapple? Pepper and Onion? Who knew! I still don’t know! It was Domino’s!)

We had mystery topping pizza in hand within seconds and lived to do lots of corporate learnin’/detoxing the next day. ROI! Actionable! Market Driven! Blood alcohol content!

If we were in the woods, I would have kicked it first. No question. If a ginormous animal didn’t make me his Scooby snack, I’d have expired from Diet Coke DT’s or Target withdrawal. Survival of the fittest–I lose!

What about you? Would you rather be plunked in the city or the woods?




Comments (18)

“I had a feeling you’d all turn around!”
you kill me, BDB. Makes me wanna hang with you, snarf stromboli and ask sober college girlz for rides home. Again.


ROFL – “fistbump” to the Sisters! I can see you sticking your fist out all “let’s bump to this” and them looking at you all “she needs us to kneel down in prayer right here, yo”. :)

And the field trip… you are my hero. Could. Not. Do it! And this from a reformed tom-girl. Haven’t hit the woods since I was 12 and cried over shooting a quail. I need me some Tar-jay at the drop of a hat. And Starbucks. Or Dunkin Donuts. I’m a coffee floozy that way… City for me.


@Dawn If only we lived closer…well, never mind. Then we’d be alchies. LOL. :)

@Missy Even the faux woods behind my house spook the crap out of me. Every time I hear a twig snap, I envision a coyote darting out to snack on one of mah babes!! I’ll see you at Dunks!!!


BA Hahahahahaha!! You crack me up. I had a nun bless me child this weekend so it’s Me: 0 Nun: 1 and she is going to take me down! However, I’d take being in the woods hands down, any day. Give me some flint and a knife and I’d be set up for a good week, maybe two. Tho, I won’t camp here in the south. There are bug that bite, then there are BUGS. Ticks being my least favorites. Makes me gag just thinking about it!


Oh my gosh, we have ticks too, Alyson, and they are scary! They’re horrible this year bc we had such a mild winter. I know several people in town who’ve gotten Lyme disease over the past few years. Truly frightening. Never mind they’re just disgusting and were in abundance on the field trip! I sprayed my son and I to the point that we smelled like citronella candles. Oh well!

I’m glad the nun blessed your child. Maybe it will extend over to your property interests as well! :)


Hi Twig!
I tried to respond to the (wonderfully) cathartic post and it didn’t go through. We’ll have to chat sometime. And yes you did go to camp! :) XOXO


City! Bugs and crawly things freak me out. I will compromise with beach…that’s outdoorsy :) I can even ride my bike there (nice and flat). I hear there are awesome hiking trails in our town…but why would you want to chance some time with ticks and having to scoop them out from in your skin. ew. and now with the epidemic of lyme disease, I have a good reason to avoid all bugs.


I so agree Debbie!! :)


Definitely city. I have the same aversion to bugs. Plus I think my feminine wiles could get me further in a city of humans than if I tried to hit on some squirrels to please direct me to the nearest restroom.

Also. I believe Adam Levine is Jewish, those poor nuns have no idea the blasphemy they are committing. He is definitely also on my infidelity * list. Not laminated though. I like to keep my options open =)


@Marta….Good point about the feminine wiles, Marta–though not sure I got any game left at this point! HA.

I’m pretty sure the nuns are good with the Jewish boys–hey, Jesus was Jewish, wasn’t he? :)

Yes, the infidelity document is a living document subject to change!


ROFL, I’ m so relating to this! City baby- don’t even think about the woods. And I’ve done the field trip & yes, alcohol must be served after that. Great post


@ Natalie, only a teacher or chaperone could ever know how imperative booze after a field trip is! Holy muffintops, I think I’ve just now recovered–and this coming from a mom of three young, noisy boys!

Thanks so much for the shout out on twitter and for stopping by the blog! :)


I would’ve read the rest of your hysterical post, only I got stuck on Adam Levine’s photo. NOTE: Put the hottie pic at end of post next time…


Jolyse–duly noted!!! LOL. Thanks!
P.S. Step off–he’s mine! (Because I know I’m just his type anyway. ROFL!)


1. Uh, fuck yeah, Adam Levine.

2. Totally city girl. I actually did not know that KFC, banks and gas stations existed without bullet proof glass until I was well into my teens. Maybe in college.

3. I also hate bugs. HATE THEM. And camping. And the whole wilderness thing.

4. The husband’s relative is a nun and she is truly the most fun person to hang out with. She kills me.


Suniverse, you’re a stone cold riot. I would pay good money to see you and the fun nun interact. I’m with you though, I’ve known lots of fun nuns in my lifetime. THey could totally hang at the bullet proof Domino’s fo sho.


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