So last week my fabulous friend and neighbor, Miss Indeedy, and I hit the road to New York City for BlogHer12. (Side note: when you meet someone and they instantly approve of you plotting the road trip around yummy delis and old skool pizza places? It’s time to cue up Mr. James Taylor because you? You’ve got a friend, girl.)

THIS IS MISS INDEEDY AND ME AT THE BLOGHER CHEESEBURGHER MICKEY D'S PARTY THE LAST NIGHT. NOTE OUR EYES ARE STARTING TO GLAZE OVER FROM BEER AND SMALL TALK.

As the name implies, BlogHer is a huge blogging network that started with three women in their kitchen in 2005 and ballooned into a gigantic community of bloggers who write about anything and everything you could possibly imagine. The conference is a fantastic opportunity to learn more about the latest technologies, to connect with awesome people from all over the world–and those who live in your back yard–who knew, and… to scope out everyone’s outfits, hair, and shoes. Did I mention it was almost 5,000 women? (Can I get a woot, woot for ES-TRO-GEN!) What else would I be looking at besides shoes and clothes? Okay, maybe the swag.

There were tons and tons of sponsors talking up their services and giving out product samples. Everything from Lysol to Wholly Guacamole to Go Bowling! to…em, ergh, choke, cough, look down at mah banged up knee, seexxxxxay toys. There. I said it. There is no proof I visited that booth. At all. Ever. And if you happen to think you see a picture of someone who sort of looks like ME at that booth, Bearded Iris is full of shizizy and, I happen to know, is down with Photoshop. Bless her heart.

I actually contemplated rocking some sensational journalism and titling this post, “I WENT TO BLOGHER12 AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY VIBRATOR!” as a JOKE, people, a JOKE, but what if, God forbid, my 79 year old mother actually buys a computer and reads this shit!!!

Kidding aside, the week leading up to BlogHer coincided with the print release of my book—naturally! In between trying to prepare for my online book promo and actually getting to hold a copy of Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail For Every Calamity (Now available wherever books are sold—meep!) in hand hours before I left (whee!), coupled with falling down trying on shoes (when is it NOT about the shoes???) and making a mad dash for clothes that didn’t scream “carpool line”, things got kinda crizazy up in this frat house!

If you missed the update on my Muffintopmommy page on Facebook, just know the knee thing might have been the lowpoint of the week:

“Remember when I said I would fall on my head if I wore heels? Well, tonight, I kinda did! Yes, trying on some wedge thingys at Off Broadway, I lost my footing on my bad foot, shrieked like Bieber, fell in a drunken looking downward dog and slammed down on my knee. My knee looks like I’m 10 and got banged up racing on my Huffy Sweet Thunder–bloody, raw, etc. But the worst part was I had to do all this–even though the store is the size of Fenway freaking Park, in front of this 20ish couple, and the boy-man, was all, “Are you okay, ma’am?” Which was a sweet/horrifying/humiliating taco to swallow! SIng with me now, “I’m sexay and I know it!” VIVA LA FLIP FLOP!!! Viva.la.flip.flop!!!!!”

Actually, the low point was in the update, in my 97 mph haste, I typed “heals” instead of “heels”. That misspelling? As of my fun grammar friends who knows me well pointed out, well, it hurt more than my banged up knee. I know there are larger crimes against humanity so I dusted myself off and hobbled off with my dignity intact. I am a good person and people like me!!! (And if you don’t, respect my love for grammar. Respect.the.love!)

All this to say? This is why I schlumped along at BlogHer in sensible shoes. The end.

Okay, not really. There was way more to the BlogHer12 trip than just shoes. Though with a conference full of females, shoes were integral, talked about often, and noticed by moi. One of the absolute highlights of BlogHer for me was getting to visit the glorious 6pm.com booth — one of my fave places to shop for shoes (And purses! And clothes! Oh my!). I’ve blogged and tweeted about them before because the deals are crazy. They are the sister site to Zappos. (You get it now. My work here is done.)

Some other things I learned about my whirlwind, four day trip to New York City for BlogHer:

1. When two different people in one day tell you you look 26 and 28, you should just go home. It ain’t gonna get any better than that. Never you mind it was in a dimly lit ballroom. Never! You! Mind! (Chubby cheeks are starting to grow on me. Wrinkle hiders! Wrinkle hiders!)

2. When you and your friend, Miss Indeedy, are told by another blogger, “Wow, you ladies are really chic…..for New Hampshire!” turn and laugh, because the woman actually…seemed nice and sincere. Living a whole fifty miles north of Boston, we have running water here! And electricity! And a Banana Republic!

3. The best conversations and connections always happen in the ladies room. Fact.

4. No matter where I go in the world, my arse will always find its way to a bar stool at an Irish bar, and at that Irish bar, its success or failure will be judged on the temperature of the beer and the friendliness of the bartender. (Upstairs. McGee’s. 240 W. 55th. Go! Upstairs is where the hilarious female bartender from Chicago works the wood.) (Chicago=Good People. Another fact. So fun to find one in NY.)

5. I still don’t know how to fold a god dang fitted sheet! Lemme ‘splain. One of the lunchtime speakers was none other than Martha Stewart. By the time Miss Indeedy and I got to lunch, it looked like a communist bread line. I’m not kidding! Due to my arse being planted on the aforementioned bar stool too late the night before, I was getting a little hangry (Hungry+ Angry= Hangry) while in line and wanted to run away. But Mommy, I mean, Missy, wouldn’t let me. I don’t get hangry often because, let’s face it, if my muffin top was against the wall, I could live off my fat for three days, easily. But I was legit tired and slightly hanging and headaching so I maybe pouted in my espadrilles a bit. I admit it! Anyway, by the time we got our tuna on pumpernickel there were no seats left at the grand ballroom and I was SOL on hearing Martha. And worse, my dream to charge the stage demanding a sheet folding tutorial, died. Just like that. And now? My fitted sheets remain balled up in my linen closet. Le sigh.

6. The lunchtime speaker the next day was Katie Couric. Yes, she looks fabulous. Yes, she had on fab shoes that I would surely plunge to my death in. Yes, she is so engaging, but also, hilarious—really quick with the one liners and that is the way to my heart. Truly. Can’t wait for her new afternoon show (wait for it…it’s called, Katie..) to start in a matter of weeks. It will be the perfect format for her. She’s targeting smart women–even those of us who can’t even fold fitted sheets– so be sure to check it out! (After you read my book. What? Too much?)

7. BlogHer is so GINORMOUS that even an extroverted muffin top like ME can get overwhelmed (Hence: sniffing out the Irish bar!) and also? Be totally bummed that I didn’t get to connect with everyone I wanted to see and hang with. BOO!

8. Finally? Because I think I hear the music cueing me to exit stage left….Stopping at the famous Halal food cart….at 3PM….with your Irish belly full of adult beverages? No. When the dude asks you if you want hot sauce on your food? MIDDLE EASTERN HOT SAUCE, YO. This ain’t no NH Taco Bell! You say: NO. Thank you. Not, “Sure, let it rip!”

HALAL-AAAAHHHH!!!!

You should know, now that my taste buds and body have recuperated, that Halala! is my new go to word instead of Holla! I was over Holla anyway. I think I should talk to the Halal guys about my catchy new slogan. Maybe next time????

**Thank you to the lovely Amber Strocel for the wonderful interview/podcast she did with me about my book. Listen here if you’d like. (Yes, I do sound 12. Good thing I only look *twennyyyysix*!!! )(Ok, ok, I’m going now. Jeez.)