YOU WANNA PIECE A’ ME, FLYING SQUIRRELS?

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Posted in Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 18-10-2012

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Here’s a fun fact:

Squirrels. They can fly.

FLY.

 

OH YEAH, I CAN FLY MOTHERCLUCKERS!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

All this time you thought they were hanging in a tree, just trying to scavenge for some nuts?

No. They’ve been flying the friendly skies. IN.MY.HOUSE. Possibly in your house, too.

3, 2, 1……and….

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know. Let it out. It’s ok.

I’m not going to lie. I feel a little bitter. See, I used to kind of like squirrels. Even swerved my rig to avoid hitting them. Slammed my size 8 clearance rack ballet flats—DSW! I love me a sale! Wait, what were we talking about again? OH YEAH— slammed mah fun shoes, wasted valuable tire tread, to spare these creatures a most nasty fate.

And yet. YET! Who knew these little rat bastards would take up residence in my humble abode? Trespassing squatters! Squatting trespassers! You owe me a rent check you fuzzy little shits! Listen up peeps, if one night you’re minding your own biz watching the talent on The Voice (AdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevinecallmeAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevine) and it sounds like there are 300 pound men having a drunken bar brawl in your ceiling, that’s the first clue.  It would be one thing if they were quiet about it—we could all just hug a tree and pretend that I didn’t know that they didn’t know that I know they know they are there. But no. I do know. Because you loud ass mothahtruckers woke my kids. You moron rodentia!

HOMIE, IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. THIS AIN'T MOTEL 6---I DID NOT LEAVE THE LIGHT ON! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

It is ON!

So, because we are generally inept and cowardly, we made the call no one wants to make. We called the pest po-po. Who were more than happy to take care of this shitshow for us. For the low, low price of ELEVEN HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS.

What.

The.

*&^%.

I might swerve TO hit a squirrel on the road. Oh yes I might. You rat bastards are on notice. Notice! You are not safe. None of you. Go gargle with an acorn! Or an empty beer can tab I might accidentally on purpose leave on my deck steps. By accident. Take a dirt nap by my 3/4 painted shed? Be.my.unguestliest.guest.

Listen here, the Catholic Church has a just war theory.

HALLPASS! 

Muffintopmommy, 1. Rodentia, ZERO!!!!!!!!!

For ELEVEN HUNDRED US DOLLARS I now know there are a gazillion small openings at our roof line –we might as well have hung up a “Welcome Loud Ass Furry Douchewaffles” sign. (Why thank you high quality tract home builder! I do SO love my home built of popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. So do the mofo rodentia in my zip code!)

The better news is, the flying squirrels have some mouse buddies who’ve come to party in my casa, too.

Seriously.

More rodentia. More noise beyond the drywall. More just war.

REALLY? IT WASN'T ENOUGH YOU ROBBED ME BLIND IN FLORIDA LAST YEAR? WIPE THAT FAUX INCREDULOUS LOOK OFF YOUR FACE, OR I'LL MAKE SURE LINDSAY LOHAN COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, MOUSEY! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

It didn’t have to be this way. I broke for squirrels–and they took advantage of my peace lovin’ nature.

So now I am sitting here. Letting the cold, hard reality marinate…..there have been multiple critters in the eaves of my attic. Scratching the walls and taunting my kids my delicate flower of a hubs. Poised to rage and ready to do damage.

Hit the road, Jackwads!

TAKE A HINT FURBALL: RODENTIA NON GRATA!

So I suppose, then, I should feel happy that Amazon.com was kind enough to email me today to suggest I might like to buy…my own book, Mommy Mixology.  (Now available on Amazon.com for the low low price of $10 and change. You can buy approximately 110 copies of my book for the SAME price of eradicating rodentia from your attic. Don’t you just LOVE a bargain?!!) A for effort Amazon for knowing your audience. You titan of industry, you. Of  course I would LOVE to buy my own book but I’m a little short this week maybe I can save up for it. Or perhaps they just sensed….I was having a bad, bad, no good, horrible, sucktasticly fracktastic $1100 day and might be in the market for a cocktail. Who knows!

Rodents happen.

You heard it here first.

And for that calamity, you can bet your ass there’s a cocktail!

(If you see me drinking a 40 in a paper bag, you’ll know the rodents won. Until then, charging ON with my high fallutin’ 12 ounce domestic beer in a can.)

Shut up. There is TOO a difference.

 

OOH LOOK! FREE ICE! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME SQUIRRELS! YOU CAN'T BEAT MEEEEEEE!!!!!

 

Comments (16)

Dirty rats. Evil intruders. And when they ask you if you want the super fan-cee extruder trap door so the little rats can get OUT but not back in? Say, “HECK NO! I want the little rats to die and I want to KNOW they are dead – even if it means we have to call you back when we start sniffing out their demise!” (or something along those lines). I think I’ll pull up a chair and have a drink with you – the trauma of our similar issue last year is still too raw.

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OH Missy, no compassion! Just war! Sing with me now! Hey, you wanna come over for a 40? I have some brown lunch bags I haven’t used for the kids!

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Very funny! O.K., the pictures totally creeped me out. Did your critter-gitter mainline several 40′s after trapping your flying friends? $$$$ Ouch!

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Terri, I think they went on a bender in Vegas with my rodent $$. I will think of them when curled up with my 40 on the couch. I will.

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I can not believe how much that.costs!!!! Ugh! Sorry you got stick with unwanted visitors!

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Stuck I meant stuck

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Thanks, Lisa! This is the sucky part about being a grown up. What can you do? I’m going down swinging though. HA HA!

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You could have flown a UD maintenance man to NH, had him cut a hole in your ceiling, trap the squirrels in his makeshift cage, repair the ceiling with drywall and paint and then even flown the UD maintenance man back to Dayton, OH for that price!! I’m surprised there was no reference to the squirrels in our Ghetto house or the fac that you once made a sign with the picture of a squirrel and a large zero over it with a line through it and hung it on our front door! Is there such thing as squirrel Karma?

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OMG Molly Brennan, I seriously have college amnesia! Too many red Solo cups, clearly! I totally FORGOT all about that!!!! HOw funny is that!!! (Slash scary. And why am I being stalked on an interstate, multi-decade basis by these flying bastards!!!??)

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Pop that 40, cause you ain’t gonna afford the good stuff for awhile! :) One year both sets of Gparents were infested: one with bats and one with rats (big as weenie dogs), couldn’t let the kids have a sleepover for a year and mama and papa needed a night OFF!! Lots of wine was consumed that year by all parties!

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Oh Stacey, who knew the critters were such an epidemic!! Rats? I suppose I should feel lucky now! IT can always be worse. EEK. Some wine might be employed tonight…cheap, cheap wine from a box most likely. HA!

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$1100?? Did they have to PAY the squirrels to leave? Because if you gave me $1100, I’d leave, too, at least for a while.

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I don’t know about you, but I’d be slightly suspicious of the company that charged all those $$$. They may have assisted the rodentia in their infiltration efforts. Just sayin.’

Sorry for your monetary crunch, and suggest that anyone reading this go out and immediately purchase your fine cocktail mommy book. I know I lurv mine. :) Cheers!

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Amelia, I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up!! Squirrel wrangler!

@JOlyse, sad but true…$800 for the squirrels and $300 for the mouseketeers. We got another quote and other neighbors have had the problem, so we know it’s crazy but the going rate. Again, I’m in the wrong line of work! Crime don’t pay and neither does writing. HA. I’ll resume my plans with the brown bag! You’re too kind about the book….hopefully people will be very thirsty for months to come!!!!!!! Cheers!

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Ugh! I know your pain! We had a family of meeses making a nest in our attic last winter, right above our master bed! All that scratching around, talk about a mood killer! The Handsome Husband couldn’t call the ‘terminator quick enough.

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YOu ain’t kidding, Lolie!!! Too funny. It’s amazing how quickly things get done when they interefere with the hub’s…..plans. :) Thanks for reading!

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