Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 15-11-2012

Let me start by saying, a certain someone in the frat house has been waking the joint for over a week now at the ungodly hours of 5 AM and sometimes earlier. Bust me up, muffin top. For the love! I gots to get some sleep. And so, I leave you with one of my more popular posts. If you’ve read it before, pass it on! If you’re new, you will learn a thing or seven about me today that maybe you’ll wish you hadn’t! :)

Happy weekend, Muffintoppers!


A few weeks ago, I won an award. No, not a certificate of sucktasticness, which I proudly won a few years ago. Meeeemories!

I was nominated for a blogging award on my friend’s blog, Nurse Mommy Laughs. (The funny thing is–I can’t find it now–it vanished. Really. But I’m still a winner. I swear. I knew it as early as 7th grade, when I guessed the weight of a ginormous pumpkin at a fair, and won a free Rolls Royce ride around town. I have skillz–don’t want to brag but that was NOT easy. And, I have to say, ginger ale in a plastic wine glass has never tasted better. I’m sure that driver was so cranked to pick up a tinsel toothed 7th grade girl in neon pants and Barracuda jacket and her mom. Two thumbs up on your raffle investment, Rolls company!)

Anyyyway, I have a proven track record of winning. Clearly. And I hope you check Stacey’s blog out. Stacey is a mom who spent many years as a pediatric RN. Especially when you have kids of your own, you realize it takes a very special person to have the strength to work with sick children. I thank God there are caring people like Stacey who can do it because those kids deserve the very best, and I would be bawling in the corner. Guessing that would not be helpful. I tip my Bud Light to Stacey and all the health care providers who work tirelessly on behalf of children everywhere.

Nurse Stacey’s award came with rules. I don’t like rules per se, but since  I’m A. a nerd herd rule follower and B. Stacey is good peeps who knows how to wield needles, I’m going to do exactly what she says. So no one gets hurt. She said I’m to share 7 things with you all that you don’t know about me. Let’s try to get through this without horrifying anyone. Ready? GO!

1. I’m a LEO. (That probably splains a lot.)

2. I loooove to throw parties. And I’m a total “more the merrier–grab a red Solo cup and come on by” type person….how-e-ver, this has been hampered somewhat in recent years by children sucking me dry and their activities, but I hope to get my Martha Stewart Animal House on more now that the kids are getting older.

3. I am 74 years old.

74? Yes, I am. I think I need a spa day!!!!

*Please note my fashion and cooking prowess. I know. You’re wondering how I juggle it all. Many do.

4. I once got carjacked around the corner from Fenway Park in broad daylight. (Please visit the Boston Tourism Board to book your next, fun getaway! “The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America!”) (Bet you didn’t see that one coming!) The funny thing is, it happened before car jacking was even in vogue. (I’m a trendsetter.) And, I was only 12. Nothing like being held at gunpoint to make a bucked tooth, Barracuda jacket wearing girl scream! I screamed so loud that I think the glass on the car windows shattered, the dude told me I could go, and I jumped out as he was pulling away. I have skillz again! I can wield off gun toting bandits with just my voice! (Shut up.) No need to carry pepper spray or a weapon. Armed and dangerous, right here. Step off, bad people! I will send you running. RAR!!!

5. I know. It’s hard to top 4. Ask my mom. Let’s see….I was born in Boston and lived in the same house from the time I was born until I left for college. I went to college in Ohio–completely random choice based on a brochure (really)–and loved it. I went home with one of my bf’s one weekend to Cleveland and asked her, “Why can’t I see the other side of the lake?” True story. She was like, “Um….because it’s in Canada, dummy!” Growing up outside Boston, we always went to the ocean and any lakes I saw were small–I had seen great lakes on map but didn’t understand the magnitude until I really saw one. Who knew they looked just like the ocean! (I’m worldy, I know.) I was also informed by my midwest friends that my plan to “run through cornfields because it looked fun” would cut me and hurt like hell. Who knew!!! So I just stuck to Coppertoning at the lake.

6. I once gave my scarf to a fun girl in a bar in Blarney, Ireland in the spirit of fostering international relations. Meaning….we bonded over Irish cider, she liked it, it was from Tarjay and I knew I could get a new one when I went home! Plus, I felt I owed something to the good people of Ireland for letting me kiss their cold, wet, germy, grey stone.

7. Once in college I went white water rafting with some high school friends in East Bumbleebee Ass Crack, Maine. We faux camped/shivered (Seriously. Northern Maine I think has like one day of summer. All the other days are fifty degrees or below.), cooked out, and drank beer to keep warm. All fun until the next morning, when I had to put on a tomato red wetsuit fatsuit (And seriously. Tomato red. Who looks good in that color? I want names.) Really regretted not taking the chilled out canoe trip–might have cursed my friend who planned it lured me with grilled meats and beer. We actually got in a raft where a 95 pound raft guide assured my girlfriends and I that if any of us fell out, she would pluck us to safety. Ok, crackhead, smoke some more dope in the woods, crunchola bar. Guess who dumped out first, went skkying down the river, sans paddle, with just my wits about me for a few miles? ME. Big Red. Let’s just say that now I know how my towels feel during the spin cycle and that a hung over muffin top is no match for the wilds of Maine! Eventually, after I said my mental good byes in my head to my family and the cast of The Outsiders (“Stay gold, Ponyboy! I’ll see you on the other side!”), forgave the carjacker, and pondered briefly who would be bequeathed my bitching mix tape collection, I rounded the corner, the choir of angels Van Morrison sang to me, and a raft full of hot guys on a bachelor party plucked my tomato ass to safety. As I choked and sputtered like a wrinkled, red, sexy beast. GAH! “Hey guys, look what I caught!” They were actually very nice guys. But now you know why me being outdoorsy is playing wiffle ball while I sip my beer!

That is all, muffintoppers. For verifcation purposes, my church going, 79 year old mother is on stand by to swear this list is almost 100% factual. (Fine. I’m actually 75.)

Comments (7)

Ok – your description of the raft trip? made me pee my pants. Thanks.
And your son’s homework sheet all about you made me feel the need to share this: Gus had his 1st grade open house in Sept. All the kids were supposed to draw a pic of their families to share with everyone. His pic was great – totally accurate. Then the teacher asked, “What is that big purple (scribble) thing your mom is holding in the picture?” Gus says, “Oh, that’s her WINE!” I died a thousand deaths in front of all the other PTO moms…like they weren’t already judging me enough because both my boys’ hair is past their shoulders and I only bring burned bananna bread to the fundraisers? THANKS HONEY!!


I’ll be sure to call you for chaperoning/security services the next time I’m heading Fenway-way.


@ Tonya that is classic about the picture! They always find a way to out us, don’t they? As for the hair, I can’t even manage to get my own hair that long before I can’t stand it and cut it. I’m shocked you can get them to oblige! Plus, once my oldest’s hair gets much longer than a crew cut, it sticks up all over like a porcupine bc it’s so thick!

@Lollie….To think we were right near the scene of the crime on Sunday! Don’t worry—I was prepared. HA HA HA!!!


5 AM? What is wrong with them? Did you set the clocks the wrong way for Daylight Savings? Don’t they know mama is knocking back some cocktails when they are asleep (aka get back in bed and be quiet til 7:00, sweetie!). Thanks for the re-props! Such a peach, you are. I’m surprised you chose a scarf as the item of clothing for donation in Ireland. Just seems so practical.


@Stacey I have NO idea. It’s one who is waking up the whole house. Soooo tired and ca-rabby! Anyway, I gave a scarf bc the girl loved it and they had no Tarjay there. My small part to foster international relations!!! :)


I like to go to parties with you, too! You’re one flippin’ fun 74-year-old, BDB!!


Dude, I actually knew a few of these, especially the raft trip b/c I gracefully declined. And no joke, to this day, I’ve never been white water rafting and tell your story to any fool who thinks it’s a good idea.


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