Posted in Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage | Posted on 05-07-2013
Tags: Inc, Jimmy Fallon, Mike Wazowski, Monsters, Ralph Lauren, Stop And Shop, Webster's
I KNOW! This is a skitzo post. First, the gas card winnah!!! Pamela T! Please email me at email@example.com with your full name and address so I can have Stop and Shop mail your $FITTY dollah gift card. WOOP! Thanks to all for entering!
And now, this.
So you know how when you have small urchin childs and you are prone to shop at 98 miles per hour throwing this and that into the cart? So I grabbed this cute green Ralph polo shirt at Che Mar-shalls. Extra grande. VIVA LA MUFFINTOP! Ahem. I get it home and throw it on and I look like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc! Maybe a green apple. Or a pea on GMO steroids.
What the schluck, Ralph Lauren?
I grab the shirt, hold it up, see that it indeed says XL, EXTRA GRANDE, and not extra fricking flash your muffintop small. And then I see, under the XL, hidden from the eyes of hasty shoppers, “SLIM FIT”.
Um, Ralph? If I’m buying an extra grande shirt, there ain’t nothing slim about me. What in preppy hell is your ever loving point? Extra Grande +Slim Fit = Oxymoron. GET A WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY, RALPHIE!
The hell, Ralph. I’m breaking up with you. Obviously, you only want slim chubsters to wear your shitz. That’s what I get for cheating’ on mah Merona. They have REAL xl’s. Hell, they even have XXL! EXTRA EXTRA GRANDE!
Ralph. You had your chance. When I’m rich and famous some day
never, I shall not be rocking your duds on Jimmy Fallon. Or at the playground. Whatevs.