LET’S CONNECT ON LINKEDIN… RANDOM MAN WHOSE CONDO I RENTED IN HILTON HEAD!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, OH &^%$!!, Uncategorized | Posted on 27-03-2014

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I knew I should have just stuck to shiny! pretty! sparkly! Pinterest. But I tried to play with the big kids and now, 600 people who have ever been linked even tangentially to me or my email account, have been invited by moi to “connect” on LinkedIn. One errant click of a button is all it took and now I am connected to law students, nurse managers, and police officers from here to Chicago and back! Every time I open my email I cringe, wondering which virtual stranger is my new LinkedIn bestie.

Within minutes, I received a polite email from the gentleman whose condo we are renting this summer in Hilton Head….”I’m sorry Janet, but I can’t connect with you on LinkedIn. I retired in 2010 and I’m not sure why LinkedIn hasn’t deleted my account.”

OHMAHGAWD. I hope the key code to get into the joint works once we haul ass all the way to South Carolina from New Hampshire! Don’t worry, sir, I won’t be hosting any soirees for strangers in your retirement nest egg with Dawn from Chicago and Bill from Ohio. You know how LinkedIn people bring THE PARTY. I wants my security deposit back!

Just got this email from the room mother from my middle’s class, “Hey Janet! I don’t do linked in but my hubby does. I’ll make sure he sees this. Thanks!”

No–cries inside–thank you for being so nice and not realizing what a cuckoo I am!!! I’m dying. DYING. And now I’m wondering if all the parents in oldest’s class are getting requests because I am the room mom! You send in that donation for the Family Fun Night or you WILL get more LinkedIn requests, people, okay? (I think this is an abuse of power! I am totally getting kicked out of the PTA!)

Frankly, I AM a little pissed HGTV rejected my request to connect. Ditto for you, Lumber Liquidators. Where’s the loyalty?

THE WORST PART IS I DID THIS STONE COLD SOBER. I SWEAR! I SWEAR ON MY LINKEDIN ACCOUNT!

THE WORST PART IS I DID THIS STONE COLD SOBER. I SWEAR! I SWEAR ON MY LINKEDIN ACCOUNT!

No really, the worst part? Is the people I sort of know like the room mommy. Little league coaches? A friend’s husband from town who I’ve met like 1.5 times? OHGODOHNO did my kids’ principal get one???? The parish priest?  The town hooker? (Ok, there is no town hooker, but if there was—oh yeah, I would have totally requested her!) Now I’m left to wonder—who is going to see me in frozen foods and think, “Why did you contact my husband/wife/great Aunt/stepcousin on LinkedIn, ya freakshow!?!”

My friend texted me about something right after LinkedInGate2014 so I had to fill her in and she texts back, “So funny—Adam just said to me, why does Janet want to be friends on LinkedIn—he wants to know did this go out to all your email friends or just him!” I replied, “Just him. #winkwink But wait, does he want to go shoe shopping tomorrow?”

She replies, “Ha ha ha! I love you!” and I’m like, “Yeah, so do 600 people on LinkedIn!”

When hubs got home from work, I felt compelled to confess my blunder–fully expecting him to be all, “What’s LinkedIn?” and shrug his shoulders. Instead he says a little too loudly for MY liking, “Oh, I know! I got like 5 requests from you–so annoying! You know, people make mistakes like that and get FIRED from their jobs!”

WHAT!

OH shit, husband, I am going to lose my huge ass job here at Casa de Muffin Top. Who will be in charge of arse wiping now? Please don’t report me to HR.

I might send him five more requests today. You will connect with me, husband! YOU WILL!!!

A MODERN DAY BACK TO SKOOL SERENITY PRAYER.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, Uncategorized | Posted on 22-08-2013

School is starting next week and I’m…..well, might be, not totally sad? Last year, I wrote this…I was emotional about middle starting kindergarten. But, last week, I’ll say, the full moon was coming and that didn’t help. I suddenly felt religious! I changed a well known prayer! (The Vatican hasn’t called. I guess they’re just not into new stuff? Frankly, I don’t think it would kill them to mix it up but WHO am I?)

God, grant me the serenity to accept that school doesn’t start til the 27th,
The courage to change happy hour if need be, 
And the wisdom to know that while I love my boys with every fiber of my being, even prisoners get an hour of free time, yo. 

A-men.

THIS IS THE CRASH I HEARD IN THE SHOWER THE OTHER DAY. HYGIENE= DANGER.

Summer started and I was all, “Whee!!! We’re going to the beach! We’re gonna enjoy lazy days! We’re gonna sit and sip lemonade and look at stars and read awesome books!”

And then little people burped. And farted. And literally waved their tushes in my face and inquired, “DO I HAVE POOP IN MY BUTT?”

And so now, I can’t stand the sound of my own voice.

I’m sweating.

And kind of tired.

Flush the toilet!

Wash your hands! 

Put on your bike helmet!

Who crunched Cheez-It’s all over the couch?
Stop leaving your undies under the bathroom vanity!

Don’t use your shirt as a napkin!

Keep your hands to yourself!

WOHWOHWOHWOH.

The questions! The thousands of questions, mostly from one of them. Not just questions for me, questions for randoms. On vacation, he asks the 75 year old woman next door, “So, do you rent or own?”

Who asks people that? We don’t!

We get new neighbors at home, and he goes for it….

Man child: “So, where do you and your husband work?”

New Neighb: “We both work at Fidelity.”

Man child: “So…is that like a restaurant or a store? What is it?”

ME, nervous laughter: “It’s sort of like a bank, where your tiny college fund is!”

Which you will clearly not need, because you have no boundaries, and will probably start selling time shares in the 5th grade! Which is good, because then I will have lost my ever loving mind, and will likely need round the clock care. Don’t skimp now! Remember who wiped your arse 5,439 times! 

This one won’t sit still. The energy is boundless. But he is sunshine and light—the sweetest–and the most loyal. When the doctor asks him this summer, “Have you been reading every day?”, he looks back at me, looks at her, and says, “Possibly?” because he’s trying to stick up for me because knows we should be, yet despite our grand plans, sometimes we shower off the dirt, and plunk ourselves in front of a show instead. We do. We did. I admit it. (Stop. We have time shares to fall back on. He’ll be fiiiine. He could have at least showed her how he knew all the lyrics to “Red Solo Cup”–he’s no dope!)

Someone picks on this kid’s brother, he is first in line to stick up for him. Look out.

But if something doesn’t go his way, his temper flares. He’s the first to pitch a fit. To challenge me. And wind me up. And ask me why, why, why, why, a thousand whys. I wonder if he has ADD? So I Google it. And then wonder if  I am just that impatient as I struggle to fill the up the days, know all the answers, refill all the drinks while the two others jump from family room chairs, yelling, “Cannonball!” and ask questions like, “Who is your favorite American?”, “How many miles away is the moon?”, “Why would a child die?”, “Is Jesus skinny because all the blood runned out of him when he was nailed to that board?” I fear I just don’t have all the answers–I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. (My Jesus answer was good though—I said I thought he was skinny because there were no McDonald’s and no cars then—people ate right and walked everywhere! Again, Vatican, call me!)

Pickets are missing from my fence. Curtains are askew. Nothing stays clean. Things are sticky, and every morning is ground hog day as I pick up the assortment of socks and shoes and Beyblades around the house and howl after I step on an errant Lego barefoot. Pinterest is a distant memory. How would I ever make cupcakes that look like minions and create my own art when I can hardly keep my floors and my kids clean?

And when we have a playdate over–brother’s friend from school and his mom, whom I don’t know well, this kid whips out a Bud Light 40 from the fridge (*My friend gave me 4, 40′s for my birthday. I know, genius!) , swings the bottle with gusto and shouts, “This is mah mom’s drink!”

At 11 AM.

And yet, when I smash my pinkie toe on a clunky basketball sneaker left astray in the middle of the kitchen floor tonight, the one who chose to stay behind to hang with mama to look at family photos while daddy took the other two on an errand, rushes to help. It’s throbbing and I’m fighting back letting loose a litany of choice words.

“Would you like some ice? I can wrap it in a towel?”

“Why don’t you sit down?”

He pushes the ottoman toward the sofa, puts a pillow on the ottoman.

“Here, put your foot up.”

He leaves the room, comes back with a water and a pack of frozen corn for my toe.

And I realize that there will be plenty of time for reading–a lifetime. He has so much to learn, and he will learn, but being loyal and loving and compassionate, he already has in spades.

We’re ready for school. We’re ready. Amen.

 

4-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 26-07-2013

FORTY?

Forty years ago, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown was at the top of the charts, Archie Bunker curmudgeoned his way into our living rooms on All In The Family, the MRI was invented, Billie Jean King kicked some tennis arse, and the Oakland A’s were World Series Champs. And in Boston, a little squawker was born. The thing about being born in 1973 to parents who were 40 and 45, who already had kids who were 13, 12, and 7, is that after a while the writing’s on the wall. Irish + Catholic + ohgawdmygawd. They must have hit one of the DiGirolamo’s infamous parties and, to quote Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey, “Brown chicka brown chow.” Too many Schlitzes? Too many VO and waters? No Catholic birth control. BOOM.

*Shudders.*

Well, all I can say is, thank God we weren’t Presbyterian. *waves hello *no offense God faring Presbyterians and all other birth control loving denominations

My family was so loving about it though. While one sister told me my parents bought me on the corner for a dime and got change, the other told me when my mom found out she was preggers she banged some pots and pans together. When the doctor called our house to share the great news a new sister was born, the third chick to make my brother wait for the bathroom, bro reportedly went behind the couch and cried. Pussy. He would be sorry when I turned out to be full of awesome. Not really. When the doctor called back, he refused to take his call. My how times have changed!

But hey, NO hard feelings! This all explains a lot, doesn’t it?

My parents were kind enough to soften the sibling barbs and say I was a”happy accident” and that I “kept them young”.

Um hmm.

Meanwhile……..

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, and……

Lights! (But not too bright, my wrinkles will show!) Camera! (Um, not too close, and let me tilt my face to hide my three chins!) Action! (Brown chicka brown chow! Shut it. I’m 99.9% sure I will not repeat history as a card carrying cafeteria Catholic heath-en!)…….

40.

Now that it’s spelled out, it seems like a lot. 28 more than the Electric Company song. 40 years on fast forward……Walking, talking, falling of my biking, awkward buck teething, first dating, kissing, missing, soaring, oversleeping, dancing, boozing, schmoozing, marrying, birthing, parenting, writing, flighting. That was FLIGHTING, not FIGHTING. Who do you think I AM?

40. It’s just a number, right?

40% off is a lot.

$40 dollars. Not a lot.

40 lbs. Not a lot. Unless you lose 40 lbs. Then it’s a lot.

40 boyfriends, husbands, hook ups, mystery illnesses? Yup. A lot.

40 miles. Not a lot. Unless you’re running. Or swimming. Or spelunkswimhikingbikingtriahaloning. Then it’s a lot.

I know I should probably look like this right now:

 

I DROPPED MAH EGG BECAUSE I'M FOHHHHTY!!!

But seriously. 40 is the new, what, 11? It’s all good. I’m happy. I’m healthy. (The holes in my liver will close up after summer, c’mon!) I have a wonderful family and much to be grateful for. A few months ago, I came across this quote, “Growing old is a privilege that is denied to many.”
It is. And I well know it.

So on my 40th, and for the next hopefully 40 or 80 years (you never know—this kid brought to you by Schlitz and VO—here’s hopin’!), I’m going to heed a line from my favorite writer Erma Bombecks’, “If I Had My Life To Live Over”, “I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa was faded.”

WORD. Let’s do it everyone, whether you’re 30 or 40 or 50 or 99.

We’ve earned it. With every bad breakup, boss, unfortunate hair style, trauma, scar, and loss. Every hope, dream, goal achieved. We’ve earned the right. To know who we are, who our friends are, who will gain the privilege to grow old with us and pop a squat on our faded sofas.

So bring it. 40 more years or bust. We meet here. At dawn, we ride!

 

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

ENTER TO WIN A $50 GAS CARD. YES, PLEASE!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy | Posted on 01-07-2013

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"I'M JUST TRYING TO TREAT MY FAMILY TO A LITTLE FUN!" --photo courtesy of photobucket

 

Are you filling up the family truckster and hitting the open road this summer? (Take me with youuuuuuuuuu!) Stop and Shop is here to help put the swagga back into your wagon. They have graciously offered to give a $50 gas gift card to one lucky Muffintopmommy reader and one Muffintop (moi!).

You know you’re a solid grown up when receiving a $50 gas gift card makes you go BOOM like Santa’s on your roof! But seriously, I’ve been saving on my gas for years at the Stop and Shop right in my town. Never mind the rewards you can rack up, their everyday gas prices are typically the best around. Getting gas there is a no brainer. (And with the scratch I save on gas, I don’t feel one bit guilty dropping into Stop and Shop for some vino!)

With Stop and Shop gas rewards, it’s easy keep more money in your pocket for Hamburger Helper, rocking plaid pants, and other miscellaneous funsies (see above–ahem) —and there are many ways to save. First, while you’re doing your grocery shopping. Stop and Shop has tons of every day items throughout the store that are marked “Gas Rewards”. You can plan ahead by seeing the participating items in the sale flyer each week. Baby items, flowers (they have a kick arse floral department!) and other household items are included in addition to groceries–woot!

Here’s how it works:

  • Save 10¢ per gallon for every 100 points you earn.
  • You earn 1 point for every dollar you spend with your Stop & Shop card.
Points Savings
100 10¢/gallon
200 20¢/gallon
300 30¢/gallon
…up to $2.20/gallon!

Up to $2.20 a gallon! That is crazycakes!

Not sure where your nearest Stop and Shop is located? Find one near you by visiting their website.

To enter to win the gift card, please leave your first name and last initial and tell me if you’ve ever saved on gas at Stop and Shop and what fun thing you might do with your savings. Please enter by Friday, July 4th at 11:59 EST. Winner will be announced on mah blog on July 5th!

Stop and Shop is giving me a $50 gift card to facilitate this review/offer. All thoughts and opinions are my own. As usual. Like it or not. :)

Cheers to summah!!!!!!!!!!

 

WAYFAIR? PEAPOD? A FUN PARTY? SIGN ME UP!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Uncategorized | Posted on 26-04-2013

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For someone who loves to shop, decorate, and host parties, I got a Don Corleone offer that made my muffin top skip a beat. I couldn’t refuse! The offer was to receive $100 worth of groceries from Peapod.com and to choose five items from a list of adorable items from home decorating site Wayfair.com and get my spring on with some girlfriends for a little shindiggity. SOLD!

For those of you not familiar with these sites, Peapod is a grocery delivery service owned by the bricks and mortar supermarket Stop and Shop. Living in New Hampshire where the extent of delivery is dry cleaning and rubbery pizza, I was SO more than happy to try this service out. My sister used it a ton when she lived in Boston which made all kinds of sense because she lived in a walk up where parking was at a premium. For me, in suburbia, the benefits are different—-being able to skip dragging three kids to the store for party provisions felt like a real luxury, and no doubt kept me on task from making a myriad of pint sized inspired impulse purchases! (“Mooooom, I want, I want, I want! Canwecanwecanwecanwe puhhhllllleaaaaaase!”) Ordering on line was fast, painless, and easy—even never having done it before it only took me ten minutes at most. They came when they said they would, texted me when they were near, and bonus: the delivery guy was hot. (I cannot guarantee all the delivery guys are hot but thought it was worth noting? What? I’m a married hausfrau, I’m not dead! I thought it would have been a bit tacky/Desperate Hausfraus NH to ask for a pic for my blog. You’ll have to take my word.)

DID I MENTION PEAPOD CAME IN THE TORRENTIAL RAIN? INSIDE THAT TRUCK WERE ALL MY GROCERIES, THE HOT DELIVERY DUDE, AND I GOT TO JUST SIT IN MY FOYER AND WATCH. I ALMOST FELT LIKE I WAS COMMITTING A CRIME.

Peapod also takes coupons and will save your order for next time. You can see what items are on sale to keep costs in check too, and the computer tallies how much you’re spending as you’re shopping—another great feature that helps keep you on budget. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten to the checkout line and been unpleasantly surprised at the total. (Some of you might remember the hubs banner  $270 grocery trip where he was henceforth banned from food shopping!)

HEY! PAWS OFF MAMA'S STASH!

As an aside, I recently learned independent of this project, that Stop & Shop and its parent company, Ahold USA, have supported The One Fund Boston with a $500,000 donation to help victims affected by the tragic events from the Boston Marathon. I don’t know about you, but I like to patronize businesses who support the communities in which they do business and I am grateful they have chosen to donate to this fund and think it is worth noting.

The items I received from Wayfair did not disappoint either. Because I fear my amateur pictures do them justice, I’ve included the links to the website so you can get closer looks. Now Wayfair to me is like Homegoods meets Overstock.com….tons of cute stuff at fantastic prices (And they do also sell baby items, luggage, pet stuff, if that’s your thang…). Choosing just five items was hard because they all looked so awesome. Let’s take it from the top:

 

LOVING THIS VASE. IT WAS MUCH WIDER THAN I EXPECTED SO IT MADE FOR A BEAUTIFUL CENTERPIECE.

Blue is one of my favorite colors, and I love the textured glass. I think it really makes it stand out. (You can see the vase on their site here.)

HERE'S ANOTHER SHOT. FLOWERS MAKE ME HAPPY! (YES, I'M SHOUTING. YES, I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU HUBS! IF YOU DON'T BRING ME SOME, I KNOW A HOT PEAPOD GUY WHO WILL. SO WHAT IF I HAVE TO PAY HIM!)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? COME BACK IN MY DINING ROOM AND LOOK AT MY PRETTY FLOWERS AND PEAPOD FOOD! MARTHA? INA? ANYONE?

The next item I chose was this gorgeous mirrored tray which you can see here. I think it’s technically for your bedroom to put things like perfume on, but I decided it would be a pretty addition to the bathroom which is often a neglected little room, especially in a house full of men.

LOVE THIS TRAY! IT REALLY IS A TOUCH OF FEMININITY THAT MY BATHROOM, UH, LACKS. IT'S SOME BLINGY BLING FOR MAH BANO!

Markeritas anyone??

HOW SUNSHINE DAY IS THIS PITCHER? IT SCREAMS FUN. IT SCREAMS MARGARITAS. IT SPOKE TO ME. I HAVE NO PROOF. BUT IT DID.

You can find this vibrant pitcher here. Totally Mommy Mixology approved!

 

OKAY, GENIUS. THEY ARE WINE CORK CANDLES, AND EVEN HAVE THE WINE VARIETALS STAMPED ON EACH ONE. I WAS A REBEL AND USED PINOT IN A CHARD BOTTLE. ALL FUN. NO RULES!

 

AMBIANCE FOR DUMMIES. I LOVE IT! (PLEASE NOTE THE DESSERT PLATES IN THE BACKGROUND---WAYFAIR-IFFIC!)

Seriously, how cute would these be for a hostess gift? If you really wanted to make a splash, these plus a bottle of wine will make you a party guest to remember!

LET'S GIVE MERLOT A CHANCE, TOO!

Did you say dessert? I am, admittedly, no Betty Crocker, but these multicolored little plates make me smile and would highlight even the simplest desserts (like mine!). And if you’re thinking of a hostess gift or inexpensive gift for any occasion, this is a slam dunk. They come in a practical, yet pretty, box.

WHO WOULDN'T LOVE THIS?

 

STARE INTO THE LOVELY COLORED PLATES, AND THEN EAT. MY FAVORITE WRITER, ERMA BOMBECK, ONCE WROTE, "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." GRANTED, I'VE BEEN DOING TOO MUCH SEIZING BUT THOSE PLATES, PEOPLE!

 

The best thing about these items from Wayfair? None of them cost more than $24 and most items on Wayfair come with free shipping. Whatwhatwhat! Yes!

You can have a party with flair for not a lot of money, with not a lot of running from store to store, when you have Peapod and Wayfair at your service. Now.We.Know! Happy spring, muffintoppers!

*I did receive $100 worth of groceries and these five free items from Wayfair to facilitate this review. All thoughts and opinions are my own, always.

PEOPLE ARE DEPRAVED! DEPRAVED I SAY!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Uncategorized | Posted on 27-02-2013

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You know, if I can’t figure out how to make millions blogging to realize my dream of flopping in a hammock oceanside while cabana boys bring me adult beverages, damnit, at least I have the depraved search terms (we’ve talked about this before!) people Google to wind up on my blog. And! The occasional ridonkulously wrongity comment that slips through the spam filter? (Spam filter—kind of like birth control–not always 100% effective! What? Who can’t use a friendly reminder?)

This potential MUFFIN TOP PORN STAR (oh you read that right and hellz yeah I’m screaming–I had to scrub myself in Clorox after I read that search term–after I pondered ever so briefly if I could make enough dough at it for my hammock by the sea scheme…..) got a good one yesterday on an old blog post about American girl dolls:

Dating or being married to an American woman is like driving a beat-up Ford Escort. If you are only used to driving a beat-up Ford Escort, then you have no idea what it feels like when you drive a Bentley or Ferrari. You need to at least test-drive a Ferrari, so you’ll have a reference point on what a real car feels like. ,

OH HELL NO! (And yes, the author of said comment is an obvious friend to grammar, what with that needless, random comma at the end. But we’ll let that slide, because she was clearly so passionate that she didn’t notice her error!)

Then? “Inge” goes on to post a link to a site that sounds like it’s about clearing up age spots on your face.

What the farfignugen?!!! Beatch, get off mah blog and take your shitty Euro cream with you!

Oh Inge! No. Foreign women are lovely, indeed, but as a born and bred proud American woman, I will redirect you to my size 8 (formerly size 7–graci-ass pregnancy parting gift!) American shoe up your age-spotless arse.

The hell we be beat up Ford Escorts! Might I remind you of many fine American women…..Christie Brinkley, Brooke Shields, Diane (please refer to a little ditty about a well known American debutante…from the back of Jackie’s car?), Mrs. Huxtable, Mrs. Brady (boom boom!), Lindsey Vonn, the Where’s the Beef lady (hey, what ever happened to her?), Dr. Ruth, suburban cougars, chics who do CrossFit, Walmart shoppers….ME! ————->

FORD ESCORT MY MUFFIN TOP! DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL!

I will add, you have a hell of a sales pitch. You must sell lots of age spot cream. To lepers. In Fuzzschmuckastan.

To the rest of you who visit my blog and are wondering:

Where to put scout badges? On your arse? So people will notice them?

What the best undergarments are for muffin tops? Do I look like I know?

Where to get Diet Coke posters? Seriously??? I love me some Diet Coke but it hasn’t made its way into my Muffin Top DIY design scheme yet….

What’s up with my wife’s muffin top? You probably drove her to drink, buttrash. What’s up with your small….never mind. 

Granny sex face? <———–That’s a special kind of sick. 

Vintage hot daddies? Well now you have my rapt attention. Tell me more! Beav’s dad was kinda hot. Shut up. 

Adam Levine ethnicity? Oooh! I know that one! Is hotsexybeast an ethnicity?

I am not fat, but have a muffin top? Well, that sucks sister. Don’t ever play the lottery. Your odds blow.

 

Bring it, Internet. I ain’t hitting the beach with the cabana boys anytime soon!

 

WE HAVE A WINNAH! AND OTHER RANDOMOSITY…..

6

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Uncategorized | Posted on 20-02-2013

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SO…

We have a winnah of the Honeywell Energy Smart 360 Heater!

As promised, the drawing was random:

YUP, THAT'S A DARTMOUTH HAT. NOPE, I DIDN'T GO THERE. WOULD AN IVY LEAGUER EMPLOY SUCH LOW TECH RAFFLE METHODS? I DID DRINK THERE ONCE AND WHEN I WEAR THE HAT, I FEEL ALL NH GOOD WILL HUNTING.

Child labor ensured the process ran smoothly, efficiently, and with the utmost of integrity:

NO PEEKSIES. HE'S A PROFESSIONAL.

 

AND, WE HAVE A WINNAH!

"BECKY B! BECKY B! BECKY B IS THE GUY WHO WON THE PRIZE! WAIT, WHAT IS THE PRIZE?"

 

I told him Becky B. is a gal, and that the prize is the heater. I don’t think he much cared. He raced around the family room with the slip of paper, “Becky BEEEEEEEEEEE.” Becky, five year old will never forget ya! Congrats! Email me your deets to janet@muffintopmommy.com and your heater will be on its way soon.

As for the rest of you, I am only sorry you couldn’t ALL be winners, kind of like child athletes. But I only had ONE special heater to give. I recommend the rest of you steer clear of state lotteries, casinos, and possibly even Bingo (Those octogenarians will trample you with their HurryCane. They will.). I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but you lost in a 1 in 18 chance raffle. Hold on to your money, honey!

I decided to celebrate Becky B’s win. And simultaneously drown my sorrows about your loss. We are the world.

ALSO, I HAD TO TRY OUT MY NEW FUN WINE GLASS. I LOVE IT--IT SCREAMS, "STEP OFF BOYS, THIS IS MAMA'S GLASS!", BUT IN FRENCH... IT MADE MY CHIANTI TASTE EVEN BETTER---THE ONLY RED WINE I CAN INGEST WITHOUT WINDING UP IN FETAL POSITION. YIPPEE!

Speaking of Vegas, the Boston weatherman said today that a funky storm system that is in Vegas today is going to whirl its way to Boston/the NH Saturday night and dump 6-12 inches on us!

I KNEW "WHATEVER HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS!" WAS A BUNCHABULLSHITE! THANKS FOR NUTHIN' , CHUMPS!

I told you gambling was bad! *exceptfreeMuffintopmommyblograffling

In other news, my office is painted its new color. I like to call it, “jailbird grey”. I like it. I don’t looooooove it. I like it more at night. And I think I’ll like it more when the touch up is done, and all my stuff is moved back in, including my colorful DIY curtains and chair. I’m working like a turtle to get my new Muffintop DIY blog up so I won’t bore those of you who only showed up for the funny and not the scary DIY projects!

LIKE THE DROP CLOTHS HUBS USED? I'M SURE IT WON'T BE HARD TO GET PAINT OFF MY HARDWOOD FLOOR. I'M NOT SAYING A WORD BECAUSE HE PAINTED FOR ME WHILE I WAS OUT RABBLEROUSING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND BUYING CHALK PAINT AND A MADAME GLASS. PAINT. WHAT PAINT? I DON'T SEE ANY PAINT!

 

FYI, jailbird grey is Stonington Gray by Benjamin Moore. However, I cheated on Benny with Val. Spar. Valspar. From Lowe’s. They have a new low VOC, high def paint that I’ve heard wonderbar things about. It’s paint plus primer and Lowe’s said two coats should do it and one gallon should do the whole room. But the first can of paint was really, really thin and we (hubs) used up almost the whole gallon on one coat. So….we had to buy another gallon. Which was bizarroly thicker and seemed better. ?????? Someone on quality control must’ve been sniffing glue, the cracksmokers. It was like two different paints. All in all, not.a.fan. And, it didn’t wind up being cheaper than Benny in the long run. Take me back, Ben! Take me back!!!!

(I used to talk to real men. Back when I was single. And ready to mingle. As my friend likes to say. But now? Now I talk to paint. That’s totally normal.)

G’day, muffintoppers, I’m off to commiserate with Madame tonight over Downton Abbey being over. Love, hugs, and randomosity–peace out!