SURGERY FOR THE HUBS? PLEASE STAND BY. HELP IS ON THE WAY.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 11-03-2013

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So, hubs found out last week that he needs to have surgery this week. Don’t bust out your rosary beads or your Buddha or call your Rabbi–it’s totally minor. (Which is why he’s feeling his pulse and pacing. But you need to know this IS the guy who turned ashen and shrieked, “What’s gonna happen to meeeee!?” when he realized I’d inadvertently given him a tuna sammie on a roll that had one TEENY, TINY, TEENY bit of mold on it. What? It wasn’t on purpose! Go to Burger King if you want it your way! I ain’t no Mrs. Patmore.)

WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO FEED ME NOW????

I know what you’re thinking. You. And You. AND you. What’s a little day surgery when he’s lived through almost 13 years of my culinary catastrophes. What’s a little day surgery when he’s survived at least a dozen common colds and three near misses with self diagnosed terminal Web-MD illnesses?

Right?

He’ll be fiiiine. I would be breaking HIPPA laws and probably marital ones too if I told you what he’s in for. Rhymes with kerplernia. 

Because I love him, I fully planned to see him through this. For better or worse. For poorer or poorer. In sickness breaking a collar bone racing a Razor scooter on Mother’s Day, blowing out a knee pretending to be a Solid Gold dancer at high school reunion, no hard feelings and in health. I have been there. I am there. I will be there. Like Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything. Only more. And better. (No offense, Peter Gabriel. This isn’t about you.) Instead of a boom box, I’ll have People mag. Trash tv. Ginger ale. I’ll make sure his TMZ app is working (Yes he has it. Would I EVEN make that up?!!) AND I’ll be keeping the kids from jumping on his recuperating kerplernia-ness. I won’t try to take advantage of him in his fragile state. (Just so we’re clear, slurred consent for me buying bling will hold up in court, yes? Any barristers in da house??)

YOUR WIFE WILL BE RIGHT IN TO SEE YOU. JUST AS SOON AS SHE'S BACK FROM THE JEWELRY STORE. MORE PERCS?

But seriously. I was all, “I got this!”

Then? He said something along the lines of—it’s all kind of hazy now—”By the way, I won’t be able to shower for like five days after the surgery. And, you’re going to need to change my dressings.”

WHACHUTALKINBOUTWILLIS!

Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat. Willis! Hubs! Soon to be Stinkyass! Whatever your name is!? What!?

I don’t remember much after that. I think I called my shrink. Oh wait, I don’t have a shrink. I mean, I opened my beer. And I said –to him–not the beer, “Now you are really taking this for better or worse chit a little too far lately. I am not yet 40–I have my whole half my life ahead of me! Can’t we save the Nurse Ratchet bit for Bingo time? If you want a dressing change, please, I am totally willing to go Italian to blue cheese–boom–just ask! I am here for you!” When I brought out the box of Elmo bandaids to be helpful, I do have to wonder—and I’m just throwing it out there—if he fleetingly wondered if maybe bringing English major flowers on a random Tuesday miiiight have helped my outlook?

I’m kidding.

Mostly.

But dude.

Five days of not showering? Changing dressings? While he’s laid up in bed surfing the net convinced he’s having kerplernia after shock complications that could cause blindness/ketosis/cirrhosis/deafness/impotence/male pattern baldness/typhoid/scarletfever/measles/sepsis/fungalungameningialcarpaltunnelness.

Who. Who’s busting me outta this joint?!!!

 

 

WE HAVE A WINNAH! AND OTHER RANDOMOSITY…..

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Uncategorized | Posted on 20-02-2013

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SO…

We have a winnah of the Honeywell Energy Smart 360 Heater!

As promised, the drawing was random:

YUP, THAT'S A DARTMOUTH HAT. NOPE, I DIDN'T GO THERE. WOULD AN IVY LEAGUER EMPLOY SUCH LOW TECH RAFFLE METHODS? I DID DRINK THERE ONCE AND WHEN I WEAR THE HAT, I FEEL ALL NH GOOD WILL HUNTING.

Child labor ensured the process ran smoothly, efficiently, and with the utmost of integrity:

NO PEEKSIES. HE'S A PROFESSIONAL.

 

AND, WE HAVE A WINNAH!

"BECKY B! BECKY B! BECKY B IS THE GUY WHO WON THE PRIZE! WAIT, WHAT IS THE PRIZE?"

 

I told him Becky B. is a gal, and that the prize is the heater. I don’t think he much cared. He raced around the family room with the slip of paper, “Becky BEEEEEEEEEEE.” Becky, five year old will never forget ya! Congrats! Email me your deets to janet@muffintopmommy.com and your heater will be on its way soon.

As for the rest of you, I am only sorry you couldn’t ALL be winners, kind of like child athletes. But I only had ONE special heater to give. I recommend the rest of you steer clear of state lotteries, casinos, and possibly even Bingo (Those octogenarians will trample you with their HurryCane. They will.). I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but you lost in a 1 in 18 chance raffle. Hold on to your money, honey!

I decided to celebrate Becky B’s win. And simultaneously drown my sorrows about your loss. We are the world.

ALSO, I HAD TO TRY OUT MY NEW FUN WINE GLASS. I LOVE IT--IT SCREAMS, "STEP OFF BOYS, THIS IS MAMA'S GLASS!", BUT IN FRENCH... IT MADE MY CHIANTI TASTE EVEN BETTER---THE ONLY RED WINE I CAN INGEST WITHOUT WINDING UP IN FETAL POSITION. YIPPEE!

Speaking of Vegas, the Boston weatherman said today that a funky storm system that is in Vegas today is going to whirl its way to Boston/the NH Saturday night and dump 6-12 inches on us!

I KNEW "WHATEVER HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS!" WAS A BUNCHABULLSHITE! THANKS FOR NUTHIN' , CHUMPS!

I told you gambling was bad! *exceptfreeMuffintopmommyblograffling

In other news, my office is painted its new color. I like to call it, “jailbird grey”. I like it. I don’t looooooove it. I like it more at night. And I think I’ll like it more when the touch up is done, and all my stuff is moved back in, including my colorful DIY curtains and chair. I’m working like a turtle to get my new Muffintop DIY blog up so I won’t bore those of you who only showed up for the funny and not the scary DIY projects!

LIKE THE DROP CLOTHS HUBS USED? I'M SURE IT WON'T BE HARD TO GET PAINT OFF MY HARDWOOD FLOOR. I'M NOT SAYING A WORD BECAUSE HE PAINTED FOR ME WHILE I WAS OUT RABBLEROUSING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND BUYING CHALK PAINT AND A MADAME GLASS. PAINT. WHAT PAINT? I DON'T SEE ANY PAINT!

 

FYI, jailbird grey is Stonington Gray by Benjamin Moore. However, I cheated on Benny with Val. Spar. Valspar. From Lowe’s. They have a new low VOC, high def paint that I’ve heard wonderbar things about. It’s paint plus primer and Lowe’s said two coats should do it and one gallon should do the whole room. But the first can of paint was really, really thin and we (hubs) used up almost the whole gallon on one coat. So….we had to buy another gallon. Which was bizarroly thicker and seemed better. ?????? Someone on quality control must’ve been sniffing glue, the cracksmokers. It was like two different paints. All in all, not.a.fan. And, it didn’t wind up being cheaper than Benny in the long run. Take me back, Ben! Take me back!!!!

(I used to talk to real men. Back when I was single. And ready to mingle. As my friend likes to say. But now? Now I talk to paint. That’s totally normal.)

G’day, muffintoppers, I’m off to commiserate with Madame tonight over Downton Abbey being over. Love, hugs, and randomosity–peace out!

 

A VALENTINE’S DAY TRADITION—AN ODE.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 14-02-2013

Happy Valentine’s Day, Muffintoppers! It’s getting to be tradition here—time for my annual ode to the hubs. Cheers!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO. Just, NO!!!!!!

 

Roses are red.
Violets are not.
Bringing me flowers on V Day
Just ain’t that hot.
Lemme sleep in,
Take the kids at witching hour.
Bring me some gin.
But keep yo damn flower!
A sweater, a scarf, even a purse I can do.
Of course, you know me likie shoes, too.
And don’t spend 8 grand on some huge sappy card,
Just say I love you–don’t make it that hard.
Save your cashola to feed the muffin top.
Some seafood or steak?
But please , no lamb chops. (BAA!)
If you show with even one stinking rose,
I swear to God I’m gonna break your nose.
Oy, do you know the mark up on V Day?
And seriously, could it be any more cliche?
If you really want me to swoon?
                     
Bring me a 12 pack some random day in June!
The only “Buds” I wanna see from my man?
Come in a lovely glass bottle or can.
Oh, don’t be afraid–I’m not starting a fight.
You always *mostly* get it just right.
And if you can’t find that perfect gift for me?
I know of one that is perfectly free!
You can *for once* just replace the TP!                                                 
It’s already bought and wrapped in clear plastic!
It’s so super soft and perfectly round.
Under the sink is where it is found.
And when you need it, it sure is fantastic.
What? I’m not even being sarcastic!
I love you, dear.
I love you so much.
You’ve nothing to fear.
Your gifts, always clutch.
If my demands seem mean or even nasty,
You knew when we married
I’d be bringing some sassy!
I must confesss now, I don’t care what you do          
As long as you read this and still love me, too!
 
 
Well, ladies? What say you?
 

CALLING ALL cold MAMAS! ENTER TO WIN!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Uncategorized | Posted on 11-02-2013

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Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. With three little kids and almost 13 years of marriage, I’m just hoping hubs will come home from work and sing something romantic to me.

“Let’s go Outback to-niiiight!” 

Curbside takeaway=porn for moms. Aim high. (I know. How greedy of me to hope for more after the promise of microwave slippers a few weeks ago. Don’t get all jealous, ladies. It’s not a good look!)

Hey, we can’t ALL live at Downton Abbey. My cook and lady maid are on extended vacay. Listen, we all have to play the hand we’re dealt! (Sometimes you get to frolic upstairs at Downton and eat with 27 silver utensils, sometimes you have to stir soup downstairs, and sometimes you’re stuck in suburgatory!) I’m not an addict. 

With arctic temps and over two feet of snow dumped on us this past weekend, it’s no shock my Valentine and I have our biggest rows over the thermostat. You’d think the muffin top would insulate but nooooo. Irish McFreezypants had to marry a hot blooded Italian who wears t-shirts inside the house in winter and fans himself with all the dramatics of a strange southern debutante with a Boston accent, “I’m sweeeeltahring!”

I’m sorry, Scahlett O’Hah-ra. Jeez. Since I’m shuffling about like a 4 foot kid from A Christmas Story, I’m not sympathetic!

So imagine my delight when I got the chance to review a Honeywell Energy Smart 360 Surround heater—just in time for the most wonderful time of the year! Along with mah gift of extra, energy efficient warmth, I received the following info which, I believe, demonstrates I am NOT the cray cray one in this house!

JUDGE AND JURY, I REST MY CASE!

MMM HMM. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

I have to say this is a great little ceramic heater. It’s perfect to put under my desk by my feet while I work on my next book read Peep, and in our playroom which is often chilly since it abuts the non-heated garage–and it’s lightweight enough with convenient carrying handle to tote wherever my muffin top desires! It’s super quiet so it will not disturb any important Mario Kart racing, Lord Grantham viewing, or wine slurping. It has a wonderful control panel allowing you to adjust the temperature depending on how Christmas Story-ish you’re feeling, and how energy conscious you are! (Hey super duper green peeps, tada! You can pre-program the thermostat and even see how much energy you’re using with this heater.) This heater packs a punch as it can blast heat all the way around–hence the 360– or you can just use the 180 for a more targeted effect, and has excellent safety features like an overheat protection device, so you don’t burn the joint down! Bonus! (No really. Remember when Italian boy almost burned the house down thawing a pipe last year?)

Here’s what this little beauty looks like in real life—so you can see the scale:

SEE? TOTALLY COMPACT AND UNOBTRUSIVE!

Good news, m’ ladies (and m’ cold lords), you too can have a chance to experience this gem. Honeywell has graciously offered to send a heater to one lucky, soon to be toasty roasty, muffintopmommy reader. All you have to do is leave a comment with your name, and we will have a super official drawing—probably someone under 8 years old will pick a name out of a mixing bowl. You don’t even have to subscribe to mah blog, like me on Facebook, leave a blood sample, follow me on twitter, Pinterest, or the grocery store! (But I surely love when you do— minus the grocery store stalking–I don’t need you seeing the processed snacks in my cart!) Please enter here by next Monday, February, 18th by midnight. South Floridians need not apply. (I’m kidding! I know it gets like 45 down there at 2 in the morning once a year, you lovelies!). Heaters can be shipped to U.S. addresses only.

So what are you waiting for? Even if you don’t win, microwave slippers and a fabulous portable heater? For $59.99, or roughly the price of a Lands’ End sweater, you’re totally in biz. Visit www.kaz.com for more information on this and other Honeywell heaters.

Stay warm, muffintoppers!

*Honeywell did provide me with a free heater for review purposes. All opinions expressed are 100% my own. As usual. Ahem. 

SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD USE SOME HEAT!

 

OH WINTER, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Suburban Madness, Things that make you go....awwww, Uncategorized, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 30-01-2013

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I hope everyone is enjoying winter—especially all of you who live in warmer climes you lucky bastards. No hard feelings! Even 4 year old is over it. He asked me “When can we see the grass again?” on the way to school the other day. What a sad sight—him gazing out the window like he was missing a friend. “I dun like the cold!” That’s mah boy!

 

I WILL ADMIT *GRUMBLEGRUMBLE* IT CAN BE GORGEOUS. WHEN I'M NOT SKIDDING, FALLING ON MY ARSE, OR FEELING MY EXTREMITIES GO NUMB. I AM SUCH A GLASS HALF FULL PERSON! *PATS SELF ON FLEECE CLAD FREEZING COLD BACK

I’m getting to the point now that after a few weeks of zero-ish temps, and all of us being cooped up inside like mad science experiments, that in addition to buying stranger’s furniture on Craigslist and covering it in Boca Raton-esque fabric, I’ve taken to asking random, warm climate people on social media if they’ll adopt a 39 year old muffin top. That’s not weird right? It’s….social. What? I said I’d bring drinks and party snacks–I’m no free loader. My hubs is apparently not into me running away from home to become a carnie or shack up with internet strangers. Buzzkill. Instead, he had me scouring the internet for cheap flights to Florida. I said, “We didn’t budget for this!” with the faux indignation of an English major, and he said, “Sell your body on the corner!” (I’m kidding! Don’t worry—I am not dropping my Merona drawers—that would clearly get us nowhere.) Btw, is anyone skeered  the English major is the one talking budgets in this joint? I’m just saying, a few misplaced decimal points could have me bagging groceries at Market Bucket when I’m 80. I need to look into that. As soon as I get back from my budget trip to Flerida in April.

I'M A BUDGET HAWK. SEE? STORE CEREAL.

Of course the store cereal was met with hisses and boos this morning. “Where is Tony the Tiger?!” to which I responded, “Shut up, hubs. The $2 I saved is gonna get me a 1/3 of a beer in Flo-rida!”

Damn right.

In a high fallutin twist, I did make a coffee cake  this morning(Pillsbury. FANCCCAAAY!) which thoroughly confused my ingrate kids more than the absence of Tony the tiger.

4 yo: What’s that?
5 yo: Coffee cake.
4 yo: Is it spicy?
5 yo: (With utter disdain…) NO! It’s doesn’t HAVE coffee in it!
4 yo: Well what’s in it then?
5 yo: CAKE! Cake is in it!
4 yo: I dun like it. (Didn’t even try it.)
5 yo, half way through his piece: I don’t like this cake. It’s gross.

Mature Adult aka ME: It is NOT! Eat your fake Frosted Flakes!

But not even old man winter or the biting culinary reviews of preschoolers can cut down the spring in mah boots. Because you see, I’m so loving, I get hawt emails from my hubs. Last night he was putting the kids to bed and shocker! Must have left our tv on (pertinent to the story!) which led him to email me from upstairs. (I know, let that one sink for a while. He emailed me from within the house.) The title said, “HOT BOOTIES” and the inside of the email was blank.

What the? *Blinks* I didn’t know we had THOSE channels!

I emailed back—from all the way downstairs, “I have no idea what to say right now.”

He wrote, “Google them.”

Oh ladies! The romance is ALIVE! Keep your roses on V Day and rock my world with MICROWAVEABLE SLIPPERS!!!!!! and a 30 pack, jack! Every kiss does NOT begin with Kay–it begins with Mama having warm feet!!!!

I present, “Hot Booties!” (What are you waiting for? Prepare to have your mind blown. Click it! Wait. This is not what it looks like. I swear!)

OMG, THEY ARE EVEN ON SALE! SHAZAM!!!

Who needs ya’ now, Flerida!!!!!!!!!

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, GROUPON!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, TMI? Says who!, Uncategorized | Posted on 13-12-2012

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Oh Groupon, you shouldn’t have. I would so LOVE a talking, illuminated scale right in time for Christmas.

What! The farfignugen! Is that? All a-bout? Surely I’m not the only one eating and drinking like I’m on death row or partying like it’s….12/21/12?

Tis the season to be a fat-ty, fa la la la la……

A talking scale? How timely! Say! Tomorrow, please post a deal offering me a spectacularly dull Swiss Army knife for 69% off so I can gouge my eyes out! And a 47% off cubic zirconia encrusted blowhorn so I can deafen myself to the “soothing neutrality” of your scale’s Frankenvoice!

I have to admit, I do enjoy myself a Groupon here and there. And I’m equal opportunity Living Social. How do you pass up a statement necklace?

OOOOHLALA! Image: Ily Couture

 

Or, um, red solo cup koozies? (Shut up.)

RED SOLO CUP? YOU'RE MY....FRIEND. Image: FunSlurp.com

Who knew I even wanted needed such things?  And I have to admit. I have a secret wish to write copy for Groupon. These writers have skillz that are unmatched—for a word nerd like myself, their prose sings to me.

Usually.

But come on, Groupon. It’s holiday time. And if diamonds are a girl’s best friend, surely you know a scale is her most maligned frienemy. (Friends only when losing the LB’s—which, context clues would suggest, is NOT holiday time!) Must I spell everything out? For the love of muffin tops!

Justly horrified readers, let me tell you about the “fine print”….the deal is for your choice of two different scales. Groupon includes the features and benefits (???) of each scale. My words are in parenthesis and caps, just so you can crawl into my head for a sec:

GNC Digital Scales (GNC? HERE’S YOUR FIRST HINT CHUBBIES AIN’T GONNA LIKE THIS…)

Not only does the GNC (MUSCLEHEAD/NO BODY FAT/I LIFTTHINGSUPANDPUTTHEMDOWWWWN) AccuWeight Plus bathroom scale display your weight on a large (LARGE! YOU’RE ALREADY STARTING WITH ME AND MY FRAGILE EGO!) 1.3-inch screen, it also says it aloud (ALOUD = OUT LOUD = THAT IS JUST NOT CALLED FOR!) with a soothing sense of neutrality (THAT IS SOME GOOD CREATIVE WRITING RIGHT THERE. BONUS POINTS!) you won’t find in most wrestling coaches. (CHEAP SHOT, GROUPON. I LIKE IT! THOSE WRESTLERS CAN YO YO DIET BETTER THAN KATE MOSS!) The scale’s tempered safety glass exterior sustains up to 330 pounds (TEMPERED SAFETY GLASS?! THAT’S A RELIEF FOR THOSE OF US WHO PLAN TO REALLY GET OUR EGG NOG ON!), which is almost impressive as the AccuIndex scale, which holds up to 400 pounds. (GOOD TO KNOW.) The AccuIndex, though it doesn’t talk (WELL EFF THAT THEN! IF YOU WON’T SOOTHINGLY SHOUT OUT MY WEIGHT, I AM TAKING MY FAT ASS ELSEWHERE!), improves upon the AccuWeight Plus by disclosing your levels of body fat, water hydration, and bone and muscle mass in addition to your body weight. (YAY! MORE WAYS TO TELL US WHY OUR PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT!)

I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SHOUT LOUDER SO THE NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR! Image: Photobucket

P.S. I am not overweight. I have a water hydration problem. Finally! Mystery solved. 

P.P.S. Groupon wants you to know, the first scale is available in black—that makes ALL the difference! Black is totally slimming!  That will help as it’s shouting out my weight! Way better than some other unflattering color scale!

SEE? THE BLACK REALLY IS MORE FLATTERING, ISN'T IT? Image: Groupon.

You’re sold on this, aren’t you? I can tell.  FYI though, you’re only allowed to buy three of these shitacular scales—one for you and two for a gift, per the ad. Oh the possibilities! Your mother in law? The blowhard in the office Secret Santa? The passive aggressive second cousin who always calls you Joe when your name is Moe?  The neighbor who always brags about his second home on Lake Fancypants?

Forget the lovely poinsettia. Russell Stover candies? No way. Old Spice/Dope on a Rope. Hell no.  Why go there when you can say it best with your shouty, large, unbreakable, black scale? “PUT THE PIE DOWN, UNLESS YOU WANT TO USE THAT GIFT CARD FROM AUNT MARTHA ON MORE SPANX!”

That is love in a box!

I dunno though. I kinda like to give gifts to people and then have them still speak to me, but thanks, Groupon! See, I’m thinking I’ll skip the fatabulous Groupon scale in favor of something else I think will be far more useful: the bullshit button!!

OH IT'S REAL AND IT'S SPECTACULAR! Image: Amazon.

The bullshit button is prettier, funnier, cheaper, and kicks the scary talking scale’s ass! It is fun for the whole family! Fun for a girl and a boy! Fun for a CEO! Fun for a homeless person! Fun for skinny people! Fun for chubby people! Fun for gay Republicans! Fun for straight artists! Fun for stereotypists! (Is that a word?) Fun for people who need a thesaurus! Fun for people who drive a Taurus! Fun for me! Fun for you! Fun for the kindergartner who licks glue! Even the old woman who lives in a shoe!

Your kids say they can’t eat their vegetables because they aren’t hungry? EHHH…..BULLSHIT.

Your boss says, “We can’t afford to give you a raise this year.” and then tears off in his new BMW? BAM! BULLSHIT!

Wifey says she has a ‘headache’. BULL-SHIT!

Hubs says you’re more beautiful than the day he met you. BULLSHIT–please refer to headache!

Friend says your new, do it yourself, highlights don’t make you look like Pepe Le Pew. BULLSHIT! (Sorry, but bullshit.)

Scale shouts out that you weigh 399 pounds after Christmas? BULLSHIT! You are 398 if you are a LB! Shove your BMI sass up your tempered glass ass, Groupon!

And have yourself a Merry little Christmas.

(If you need me I’ll be with my red solo cup koozie and my bullshit button…..)

 

 

 

 

MUFFIN TOP ROUND UP: A SCHNIZTASTIC WEEK IN REVIEW!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 29-11-2012

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So, first things first.

I didn’t win the lottery.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER!

 

THIEVING GOVERNMENT HACK DOUCHECANOES!

So it was back to reality.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW...AHH, EFF IT. I'M NEVER GETTING THAT HOT TUB, AM I?

My hubs banged up his knee and is on crutches. That was timely since 5 year old is in his second above the elbow cast still. Hey, I know! Every time someone falls in my house and screams, “Owww!”, drink!

AWESOME! YOU AND 5 YEAR OLD CAN HAVE DADDY AND ME APPOINTMENTS WITH THE ORTHO DOC WHILE I GIVE ALL OUR HOT TUB FORTUNE TO THE STANKING HOSPITAL! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-HA!

MOTHERFLUFFIN’ GIMPTASTIC!

Did my last picture caption sound a bit snarky? I didn’t mean it to be much. Hubs’ knee has been bugging him for a while. It buckled T-giving night while he was doing dishes, after cooking all day. (Totally true. Boy knows how to throw a shindig.) The next day he limped off to his 198? (not my biz to tell he’s MUCH older) reunion, where a little bird on Facebook (rhymes with “Shinda”)told me he was a “dancing fool” and quite limber (no comment). He came home looking like this:

YOU ARE RIGHT NOW WONDERING HOW A GAL LIKE ME GOT SO LUCKY, AREN'T YOU? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. HE'S A LOTTERY WINNER. KIDDING!

 

Hey hubs, Belushi called and he wants his schtick back!

THESE AREN'T EVEN THE SHOES I DRESSED HIM IN FOR THE REUNION. AND WHERE IS HIS OTHER SOCK? I TOLD YOU I LIVE IN A FRAT HOUSE. FINALLY, I HAVE PROOF!

Meanwhile, at band camp, he winds up whimpering about his knee later that night, and the next AM hits the ER for the aforementioned gimptastic brace. Sing with me now, “SOLID GOLD!”

I can’t prove it, but context clues, y’all. And had the nerve to come home glowing, “The nurse was soooo nice. Hee hee hee. She asked me if I work out.” After being on solo parent ass wiping duty for the duration of the 18 hour Solid Gold reunion and listening to his howls of pain for 24 hours, I decided it was only fitting to kick him in the good knee.

Then I find out, grocery stores are hawking faux Twinkies. Golden Creme Cakes? WHO is doing your marketing, fools? Market Basket, shame on you! Stick to what you know—selling questionable produce to people who need need dental work/a bath/possibly an interpreter (I dunno….I just assume after I’ve shouted “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM!” 5 times in the crowded aisle and you don’t move your ass/cart/death scooter you don’t speak English. Or maybe you’re just a Sir. Oops. (I might have grocery store rage.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LOW BROW TWINKERTUNISTIC SNACKSTERS!

To add to the fun, “Alfred”, our little rat bastard Christmas elf, is back.

THE KIDS HAVE BEEN GETTING UP AT 5 freakingfracking A.M. TO TRY TO FIND THIS EVIL LITTLE PUNK. SO I TRIED TO DROWN HIM IN MY BEER. DUDE LIVED TO TELL. FREAK!

ELFINSHAZAMALAMSHALOM, WHY CAN’T I BE JEWISH?!

And sadly, my muffin top has reached epic heights widths and I’ve resorted to outlandish behavior huffing on the treadmill.

HEY, WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO PUT PAVLOV'S TREADMILL FACING THE BEER SIGN? OH WAIT..... UMMMMM.

WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A SKIN-NAY, SOBER MORMON?!

 

I’m not going off the deep end. People, wake up! It’s ARMAGEDDON. Clearly!

I’m trying to bright side all this shiz, even as the full moon rages, and I swear if you even look at me wrong today I’ll go all me-owwwww on you.

But listen peeps, the sun will come out tomorrow. So stay gold! Solid Gold, that is.

And one more thing if I haven’t sufficiently stalked you on Facebook, I’m in a contest on Circle of Moms called Top 25 Author Moms and I would surely appreciate your vote. Graci-ass! (You can vote once per day until Dec. 7th!) MTM can’t buy publicity like that and hey, maybe if I hawk some books I can buy Belushi a new knee! OH YEAH! (Thanks for nothing, Powerball!!!) To vote, all you have to do is click on the “Circle of Moms” badge near the top right of my blog, underneath my book. It very subtley says, “Please rock mah vote.” *shameless self promotion *mama would not be proud *runs and hides under Belushi’s brace

Or you can click here!