I LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 16-04-2013

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There is likely nothing I can say about the horror show at the Boston Marathon yesterday that hasn’t been said already.

I was born in Boston. I grew up not twenty miles outside Boston. Raised by two Bostonians, one of whom was a Boston police detective, who was the son of a Boston Police Captain. I lived in the city as an adult. And so it has been for my family, and for me, our home for generations, even though I have since moved some fifty miles north.

Like so many, I have dear friends who ran the race yesterday. Who worked tirelessly to train for what was supposed to be a joyous event. And who are thankfully alive and well, as are their families.

Like so many, I have children of my own.

And so somehow, this all feels very personal. As it should. We should all take it personally, that someone would assault and terrorize our friends, families, fellow citizens, beloved guests from America and abroad, in our city, state, and country.

I don’t know what will happen in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, two years, five years, fifty years. And yes, that scares the hell out of me. But I do know this. You do not mess with a city like Boston. Boston is Paul Revere and a midnight ride. It’s six generations Brahmin. Four generation Irish. One generation Cape Verdean. And everything in between and back again. It’s Regina and Santarps– the best pizza in the world. (Sorry, New York.) It is cold tea in Chinatown at 2 AM. It’s college transplants who come, fall in love, and never leave. It’s doctors, cops, bartenders. It’s bad accents we love to hate and hate to love. And Dunkin’ Donuts. On ever corner. (Really.) It’s Filene’s Basement (RIP) and the Pru. Triple deckers and brownstones. Universities and hospitals. Boston is wicked smaht. Just asked Donnie Wahlberg.

Boston doesn’t bow to queens. Or crazies. And definitely not to terrorists.

Boston is grit and determination. Boston is courage. Boston is PRIDE.

Boston is the Marathon. It’s Uta Pippig. Bobby Orr. Larry Bird. Doug Flutie. “Manny Ortiz”. Ted Williams. Boston is The Garden. Fenway. The Red Sox.

It’s the ghosts of yesterday and the promise of today.

Boston was cursed once. It won’t be cursed twice.

That is one thing I do know.

I love that dirty water, don’t you?

 

PHOTO CREDIT: www.kimworld.com

**On a side note, Erin Gale Williams is the winner of the book pack, I Just Want To Pee Alone and Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail for Every Calamity. Please email me at janet@muffintopmommy.com so I can email you with details. Congrats.

A KINDERGARTNER AND A PRISONER BOTH WALK INTO AN ER….

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 08-11-2012

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This is the place where my sad yet funny post was supposed to go—the one I spent 90 minutes on and then deleted by accident because I was geeking out watching and analyzing election results pretending to be Tim Russert God rest his soul, and forgot to hit save and then shut my computer down because I was up past my bedtime and was delirious from drinking with Diane Sawyer and since I don’t have another 90 minutes to re-write it but can only imagine you want to know the deets on my 5 year old breaking his arm in two places in our basement during the hurricane and then us hydroplaning on the way to the “hostiple” but what good luck we were safe because I used to drive race cars live in Boston and then us getting to xray and the xray tech whipping open the door only to yell, “WHOA!” because there was a handcuffed inmate in an orange prisoner jumpsuit splayed out on the xray table with two armed corrections officers standing over him but what good luck again because there were no attempted jail breaks that day and no shots fired and little 5 year old was in so much pain it didn’t even occur to him it was odd to see an orange jumpsuit clad handcuffed man with two huge men with guns in the room he needed to be in and oh did I mention I chose this ER and drove further to get to it as poor five year old yelped in agony as we hydroplaned along because I thought it would be more “soothing” and “kid friendly” because they have a special pediatric er…oh yes…can I say it again? I CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

 

You’ll forgive my abbreviated post because I want to go to a party tonight and I think we all know I deserve a drink. Can you believe I wrote this in only ten minutes? Bet you can’t even tell!

*OMGUPDATE. My ten minute post turned into an hour long photo debacle. I’ve been trying to make my pics bigger, because someone told me the pics on my blog should be bigger, but instead of BIGGER, I somehow made them the size of my HOUSE, and I tried to “fix” them.  I don’t even know what to say, and yes, I am 100% sober. I do not know what happened to all these photos and why they are all over the place. Clearly, I am in the wrong line of unpaid work. I was, ironically, trying to make the pics bigger on the advice of someone who I was trying to get a PAID blogging gig from. I quit!!!!!! I’m going on strike. I’ll be with my IV of beer if you need me. Good night!

**No, I am not on any meds, besides what comes in an aluminum can or a Flintstones bottle. Do you have any recommendations?????? RAH!!!!

7 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT, NEED, AND COULD LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING. READY?

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 17-05-2012

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A few weeks ago, I won an award. No, not a certificate of sucktasticness, which I proudly won a few years ago. Meeeemories!

I was nominated for a blogging award on my friend’s blog, Nurse Mommy Laughs. (The funny thing is–I can’t find it now–it vanished. Really. But I’m still a winner. I swear. I knew it as early as 7th grade, when I guessed the weight of a ginormous pumpkin at a fair, and won a free Rolls Royce ride around town. I have skillz–don’t want to brag but that was NOT easy. And, I have to say, ginger ale in a plastic wine glass has never tasted better. I’m sure that driver was so cranked to pick up a tinsel toothed 7th grade girl in neon pants and Barracuda jacket and her mom. Two thumbs up on your raffle investment, Rolls company!)

Anyyyway, I have a proven track record of winning. Clearly. And I hope you check Stacey’s blog out. Stacey is a mom who spent many years as a pediatric RN. Especially when you have kids of your own, you realize it takes a very special person to have the strength to work with sick children. I thank God there are caring people like Stacey who can do it because those kids deserve the very best, and I would be bawling in the corner. Guessing that would not be helpful. I tip my Bud Light to Stacey and all the health care providers who work tirelessly on behalf of children everywhere.

Nurse Stacey’s award came with rules. I don’t like rules per se, but since  I’m A. a nerd herd rule follower and B. Stacey is good peeps who knows how to wield needles, I’m going to do exactly what she says. So no one gets hurt. She said I’m to share 7 things with you all that you don’t know about me. Let’s try to get through this without horrifying anyone. Ready? GO!

1. I’m a LEO. (That probably splains a lot.)

2. I loooove to throw parties. And I’m a total “more the merrier–grab a red Solo cup and come on by” type person….how-e-ver, this has been hampered somewhat in recent years by children sucking me dry and their activities, but I hope to get my Martha Stewart Animal House on more now that the kids are getting older.

3. I am 74 years old.

*Please note my fashion and cooking prowess. I know. You’re wondering how I juggle it all. Many do.

4. I once got carjacked around the corner from Fenway Park in broad daylight. (Please visit the Boston Tourism Board to book your next, fun getaway! “The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America!”) (Bet you didn’t see that one coming!) The funny thing is, it happened before car jacking was even in vogue. (I’m a trendsetter.) And, I was only 12. Nothing like being held at gunpoint to make a bucked tooth, Barracuda jacket wearing girl scream! I screamed so loud that I think the glass on the car windows shattered, the dude told me I could go, and I jumped out as he was pulling away. I have skillz again! I can wield off gun toting bandits with just my voice! (Shut up.) No need to carry pepper spray or a weapon. Armed and dangerous, right here. Step off, bad people! I will send you running. RAR!!!

5. I know. It’s hard to top 4. Ask my mom. Let’s see….I was born in Boston and lived in the same house from the time I was born until I left for college. I went to college in Ohio–completely random choice based on a brochure (really)–and loved it. I went home with one of my bf’s one weekend to Cleveland and asked her, “Why can’t I see the other side of the lake?” True story. She was like, “Um….because it’s in Canada, dummy!” Growing up outside Boston, we always went to the ocean and any lakes I saw were small–I had seen great lakes on map but didn’t understand the magnitude until I really saw one. Who knew they looked just like the ocean! (I’m worldy, I know.) I was also informed by my midwest friends that my plan to “run through cornfields because it looked fun” would cut me and hurt like hell. Who knew!!! So I just stuck to Coppertoning at the lake.

6. I once gave my scarf to a fun girl in a bar in Blarney, Ireland in the spirit of fostering international relations. Meaning….we bonded over Irish cider, she liked it, it was from Tarjay and I knew I could get a new one when I went home! Plus, I felt I owed something to the good people of Ireland for letting me kiss their cold, wet, germy, grey stone.

7. Once in college I went white water rafting with some high school friends in East Bumbleebee Ass Crack, Maine. We faux camped/shivered (Seriously. Northern Maine I think has like one day of summer. All the other days are fifty degrees or below.), cooked out, and drank beer to keep warm. All fun until the next morning, when I had to put on a tomato red wetsuit fatsuit (And seriously. Tomato red. Who looks good in that color? I want names.) Really regretted not taking the chilled out canoe trip–might have cursed my friend who planned it lured me with grilled meats and beer. We actually got in a raft where a 95 pound raft guide assured my girlfriends and I that if any of us fell out, she would pluck us to safety. Ok, crackhead, smoke some more dope in the woods, crunchola bar. Guess who dumped out first, went skkying down the river, sans paddle, with just my wits about me for a few miles? ME. Big Red. Let’s just say that now I know how my towels feel during the spin cycle and that a hung over muffin top is no match for the wilds of Maine! Eventually, after I said my mental good byes in my head to my family and the cast of The Outsiders (“Stay gold, Ponyboy! I’ll see you on the other side!”), forgave the carjacker, and pondered briefly who would be bequeathed my bitching mix tape collection, I rounded the corner, the choir of angels Van Morrison sang to me, and a raft full of hot guys on a bachelor party plucked my tomato ass to safety. As I choked and sputtered like a wrinkled, red, sexy beast. GAH! “Hey guys, look what I caught!” They were actually very nice guys. But now you know why me being outdoorsy is playing wiffle ball while I sip my beer!

That is all, muffintoppers. For verifcation purposes, my church going, 79 year old mother is on stand by to swear this list is almost 100% factual. (Fine. I’m actually 75.)

WHY I MIGHT MAKE A BAD SOUTHERNER BUT A GREAT LOTTERY WINNAH!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, STFU Friday, TMI? Says who! | Posted on 07-03-2012

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Ever since I returned home from Florida, I’ve been plotting in my mind about how I can get back there. I’m not having vacation withdrawal, I’m having weather withdrawal. I know, it’s ridiculous. I’m not saying it’s like I’m up here on the chain gang or something—I love my life here—the people, my house, the gig I’ve got going. It’s unarguably one of the prettiest areas in the country. It’s just that I am telling you, even though I was born and raised right outside Boston and now live in New Hampshire, I swear, this is not where I’m meant to be. Someone in my ancestry took a way wrong turn! So me going somewhere warm for a week is like giving a junkie a crack hit and then taking it all awayyyyy. (That ‘splains why I’m all shaky and shivery and shouty and stabby right now.)

See, I h.a.t.e. the cold. And the older I get, the more I hate it. Being cooped up inside while I *know*  (warm weather people reading my blog–please forgive my tone as I’m relatively sure it’s temporary insanity) other people (me-ow!) are drinking in the aroma of  fresh cut grass while they swim outside makes me ca-rabby. Booooooo.  So….I might have bought a lottery ticket this week. Or three. I know. I know. That’ s a game plan, right? Stay tuned to watch me get struck by lightning!

But I’ve been thinking. It’s probably better this way, that I live in the land of Vitamin D deficiency. If I moved south of the Mason-Dixon line, think about all the bad things that could happen:

1. Melanoma would surely ensue, because let’s review, I vacillate between the color of sugar and flour. And hell, living in the cold is surely better than swimming with the fishes. Maybe it’s for my own good I’m locked up half the year?

2. If I wanted to ensure I ward off melanoma, I’d probably A. bankrupt myself buying Coppertone and B. blind the neighbors with my doughgirl Irish skin…I’d have to provide them with those eclipse glasses. They’d probably throw garlic at me and no one would talk to me at block parties as I stand in the corner drinking my beer out of my Canadian souvenir cup. They’d be all, “Tacky tourist!” and start singing, “One of these things is not like the o-ther!”

3. If I encountered someone rude or surly down south while buying my case of Coppertone, I’d likely blurt out, “Awww, you’re just pissed we won the war!” and stomp off like I did in Pensacola once. And that’s not how a lady should act! (Hey, she started with ME!)

4. I think I’d have night terrors about the bugs. Dude. The bugs. They need their own zip code down there. I saw a bug on the ground at Epcot and it was so stinking big it attracted a crowd. Ok, a crowd of little boys but still. (Seriously. You pay Walt through the nose to get in to go on rides created by literal geniuses, and there are all these boys staring at this…..thing….When the bug is the wow factor at Epcot, that bug ain’t right.) I can only say it was so honkingly huge, I told the boys I thought we could fly home on it. EEEEH.

5. Let’s not underestimate what a challenge it would be to live in a climate where there would be virtually little to no chance of masking the muffin top with a toasty, roasty cable Lands’ End nerd herd sweater or fleece? I’m down with down, yo! Wearing that shizz down there would probably create an international incident when the feds started tailing me thinking I’m all up to no good hiding contraband in my coat on a hot day. “Sorry, officer, no! Please don’t take me away! I don’t have ANY weapons under here—just my muffin top! I love my fami-leee….Noooo! How will I Facebook from the clink?????”

On the other hand…hmm…prison time. Three squares, no worrying about what to cook, no one recoiling at my cooking. Lots of time to pump iron and bond with other chicks—far cry from the frat house. And I’m sure in no time I could get an online MBA, master license plate making, or become an internet reverend! Mama would be proud!

On second thought, maybe I should go turn the heat up and go check those lottery numbers………..

STFU SAMMIE. KEEPS YO PAWS OFF MY DIET COKE, BOSTON!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Random Rage, STFU Friday | Posted on 24-06-2010

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I’ve been discovered! I have. It’s awesome. I’ve been wishing, hoping, someone in a position of authority would contact me regarding my blog. Well muffintoppers, that day has come. I received the following email at my muffintopmommy address. I’ve posted the actual email so you can share in my excitement. (And, not to get all braggy on you, show just how important a gal I am!) My responses are in CAPS throughout the email. Ready? 

Dear Janet,
We came across your blog, Muffintop Mommy and see that you are an influential voice among the parenting community in Boston (I AM? THAT IS SCARY. BECAUSE I LIVE ALMOST AN HOUR AWAY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH IS A CHICK FROM THE GRANITE STATE WHO’S BEEN KNOWN TO YELL, “MOVE IT D BAG!” IN FRONT OF HER KIDS IN THE CAR? NO WONDER PEOPLE ARE LEAVING MASS IN DROVES!) We wanted to reach out to you to tell you about an important citywide campaign that is taking place this summer- Boston’s first Soda-Free Summer Challenge. (SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S COUSIN NEEDED A MADE UP CUSHY TAX FUNDED JOB…. I MEAN, NEATO!)
Drinking soda can slow us down by causing weight gain and health problems, like type 2 diabetes and heart disease. (UM. I’M NO HEALTH NUT, BUT HAVE YOU TRIED DIET COKE? IT’S LIKE…ZERO CALORIES.) 

PLEASE NOTE THE CAN SAYS, "SUGAR FREE." PROBLEM SOLVED! GLAD I COULD HELP, GOVERNMENT!

Obesity and associated health problems are dramatically affecting our city, with recent data showing that 52 percent of adults are considered overweight or obese, and about half of high school students are either overweight or at-risk of being overweight. (DID YOU EVEN READ THE NAME OF MY BLOG? MUF-FIN-TOP-MOM-MY….AS IN, I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP. SOME FLAB IN MY ABS. CONTEXT CLUES, GOVERNMENT WONK…I’M KIND OF A FATTY… LIKE THE SCHLUMPS YOU ARE TARGETING. FIRST RULE OF A PITCH….KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, GIRLFRIEND. YOU DON’T SEE PEOPLE HAWKING TWINKIES AT TRIATHALONS. YOU FOLLOW? ALSO? IF PEOPLE ARE FATTIES, IT’S THEIR FAULT SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST MYOB. IT TOOK THE CITY OF BOSTON FOUR YEARS TO GIVE THE FIREFIGHTERS A CONTRACT, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA GET THE MCCHUBBIES TO STOP DOING THE DEW IN TWO MONTHS? BTW, MAYOR MUMBLES MENINO LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN ENJOYING HIMSELF A FEW COKES. YOU SHOULD REALLY MAKE HIM YOUR POSTER CHILD. AND AFTER THE WAY HE TREATED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, I DOUBT THOSE JAKES WILL BE RUSHING DOWN WITH THEIR DEFRIBRILATORS IF MUMBLES GOES DOWN IN THE CONCRETE JUNGLE. HE MAY WANNA KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF OR LAY OFF ANGELA’S LASAGNA, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?)
In response to this issue, the Boston Public Health Commission (BPHC) is launching Boston’s first citywide Soda-Free Summer Challenge. We are asking individuals and organizations to take a pledge to not drink soda for the summer. ( NO. JUST, NO. DIET COKE AND I? TO QUOTE THE GREAT CAROLINE MANZO OF JERSEY, WELL…”WE’RE THICK AS THIEVES.” YEAH. DIET COKE IS MY HOMIE. MY CRACK ATTACK. LA FAVORITO DRINKO. NEXT TO BEER. BUT FACE IT,  A MOM WITH AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS I..SIMPLY CANNOT BE SEEN SWILLING AND CHILLING BEFORE A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE HOUR, AM I RIGHT? SO DIET COKE IT IS! BRING ON….THE ASPARTAME. AHHH!)

BOSTON WILL KNOW. OH THEY WILL! THEY'LL KNOW IF YOU HAVE COKE. YOU WATCH IT, YOU PORTLY SCOFFLAW!

 
Since you are an influential voice in your community(NOT BOSTON) and a role model to your children (PLEASE REVIEW PARAGRAPH ONE), we would like to ask you to take the pledge and be a leader in this campaign. We realize you and some of your followers may not be residents of Boston proper (YOUR PLEA WILL TOTALLY RESONATE WITH MY READERS ACROSS THE POND. I JUST JOLLY KNOW IT! BRILLIANT!) , but we hope you see the importance of spreading the message to everyone – a healthy lifestyle shouldn’t be restricted to city limits! (NATCH! WE ARE THE WORLD! I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR FAILING SCHOOLS, RUNAWAY FIRE TRUCKS, OR DRIVE BY SHOOTINGS, DEFINITELY USE YOUR RESIDENTS’ HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS TO RID THE WORLD OF INSIDIOUS SODA! PRIORITIZE. YES!)
You can take the pledge on our Facebook page (www.Facebook.com/HealthyBoston) or on our website (www.bphc.org/sodafreesummer).  When you take the pledge, you will be entered into our weekly raffle for a chance to win some great health-oriented prizes that include online personal fitness training from Life in Synergy (GOOD THING IT’S ONLINE SINCE I LIVE….AN HOUR AWAY!), water bottles, healthy grocery store gift cards (YOU KNOW THEY SELL SODA AT THE GROCERY STORE, YES?), and a bicycle. (NO 30 PACKS? NO SOX TICKETS? A PIE FROM SANTARPIO’S? NO? NOTHING? THEN NO DICE!)
In addition, we are attaching a badge to display on your blog and/or Facebook page to demonstrate your commitment to your health, your children’s health, and the health of the community. (I AM COMMITTED TO MY CHILDREN’S HEALTH. WHICH IS WHY I DON’T LET THEM PLAY WITH MATCHES OR DRINK SUGARY SODA. I DON’T NEED YOUR BADGE TO TELL ME THAT. INSTEAD, I GIVE THEM “CRAP-I SUN”…WHICH IS….OH, SHIT, ALSO SUGAR LADEN. YEAH, WELL. UM. I’M A ROLE MODEL! YOU EVEN SAID IT!)You can also print out this badge to display in your home or your office. (OH SQUEE! I’VE BEEN MEANING TO REDECORATE!)
We would love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions. (NO, I DON’T THINK YOU WOULD.) Please contact BLABBITY BLAH (NAME X’D OUT TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT DO GOODER) for more information or to sign up to take the pledge!
 
Thank you, (YOU ARE SO WELCOME. NOW PLEASE CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A NEWSPAPER COLUMN, BOOK DEAL, A PRICEY AD TO RUN ON MY BLOG, OR MY LOTTERY WINNINGS. GOOD DAY!) 

BLABBITY BLAH
Boston Public Health Commission 

OH AND P.S. BOSTON PUBLIC HEALTH COMMISSION? YOU GET THE STFU FRIDAY SAMMIE. BUT DON’T WORRY, I’LL MAKE IT LOW SUGAR FOR YOU. FEEL FREE TO DISPLAY THE MUFFINTOPMOMMY LOGO ON YOUR DESK WHILE ENJOYING IT. IT WILL PAIR WELL WITH YOUR DELISH BOSTON CITY TAP WATER. I JUST KNOW IT!