MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, GROUPON!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, TMI? Says who!, Uncategorized | Posted on 13-12-2012

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Oh Groupon, you shouldn’t have. I would so LOVE a talking, illuminated scale right in time for Christmas.

What! The farfignugen! Is that? All a-bout? Surely I’m not the only one eating and drinking like I’m on death row or partying like it’s….12/21/12?

Tis the season to be a fat-ty, fa la la la la……

A talking scale? How timely! Say! Tomorrow, please post a deal offering me a spectacularly dull Swiss Army knife for 69% off so I can gouge my eyes out! And a 47% off cubic zirconia encrusted blowhorn so I can deafen myself to the “soothing neutrality” of your scale’s Frankenvoice!

I have to admit, I do enjoy myself a Groupon here and there. And I’m equal opportunity Living Social. How do you pass up a statement necklace?

OOOOHLALA! Image: Ily Couture

 

Or, um, red solo cup koozies? (Shut up.)

RED SOLO CUP? YOU'RE MY....FRIEND. Image: FunSlurp.com

Who knew I even wanted needed such things?  And I have to admit. I have a secret wish to write copy for Groupon. These writers have skillz that are unmatched—for a word nerd like myself, their prose sings to me.

Usually.

But come on, Groupon. It’s holiday time. And if diamonds are a girl’s best friend, surely you know a scale is her most maligned frienemy. (Friends only when losing the LB’s—which, context clues would suggest, is NOT holiday time!) Must I spell everything out? For the love of muffin tops!

Justly horrified readers, let me tell you about the “fine print”….the deal is for your choice of two different scales. Groupon includes the features and benefits (???) of each scale. My words are in parenthesis and caps, just so you can crawl into my head for a sec:

GNC Digital Scales (GNC? HERE’S YOUR FIRST HINT CHUBBIES AIN’T GONNA LIKE THIS…)

Not only does the GNC (MUSCLEHEAD/NO BODY FAT/I LIFTTHINGSUPANDPUTTHEMDOWWWWN) AccuWeight Plus bathroom scale display your weight on a large (LARGE! YOU’RE ALREADY STARTING WITH ME AND MY FRAGILE EGO!) 1.3-inch screen, it also says it aloud (ALOUD = OUT LOUD = THAT IS JUST NOT CALLED FOR!) with a soothing sense of neutrality (THAT IS SOME GOOD CREATIVE WRITING RIGHT THERE. BONUS POINTS!) you won’t find in most wrestling coaches. (CHEAP SHOT, GROUPON. I LIKE IT! THOSE WRESTLERS CAN YO YO DIET BETTER THAN KATE MOSS!) The scale’s tempered safety glass exterior sustains up to 330 pounds (TEMPERED SAFETY GLASS?! THAT’S A RELIEF FOR THOSE OF US WHO PLAN TO REALLY GET OUR EGG NOG ON!), which is almost impressive as the AccuIndex scale, which holds up to 400 pounds. (GOOD TO KNOW.) The AccuIndex, though it doesn’t talk (WELL EFF THAT THEN! IF YOU WON’T SOOTHINGLY SHOUT OUT MY WEIGHT, I AM TAKING MY FAT ASS ELSEWHERE!), improves upon the AccuWeight Plus by disclosing your levels of body fat, water hydration, and bone and muscle mass in addition to your body weight. (YAY! MORE WAYS TO TELL US WHY OUR PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT!)

I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SHOUT LOUDER SO THE NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR! Image: Photobucket

P.S. I am not overweight. I have a water hydration problem. Finally! Mystery solved. 

P.P.S. Groupon wants you to know, the first scale is available in black—that makes ALL the difference! Black is totally slimming!  That will help as it’s shouting out my weight! Way better than some other unflattering color scale!

SEE? THE BLACK REALLY IS MORE FLATTERING, ISN'T IT? Image: Groupon.

You’re sold on this, aren’t you? I can tell.  FYI though, you’re only allowed to buy three of these shitacular scales—one for you and two for a gift, per the ad. Oh the possibilities! Your mother in law? The blowhard in the office Secret Santa? The passive aggressive second cousin who always calls you Joe when your name is Moe?  The neighbor who always brags about his second home on Lake Fancypants?

Forget the lovely poinsettia. Russell Stover candies? No way. Old Spice/Dope on a Rope. Hell no.  Why go there when you can say it best with your shouty, large, unbreakable, black scale? “PUT THE PIE DOWN, UNLESS YOU WANT TO USE THAT GIFT CARD FROM AUNT MARTHA ON MORE SPANX!”

That is love in a box!

I dunno though. I kinda like to give gifts to people and then have them still speak to me, but thanks, Groupon! See, I’m thinking I’ll skip the fatabulous Groupon scale in favor of something else I think will be far more useful: the bullshit button!!

OH IT'S REAL AND IT'S SPECTACULAR! Image: Amazon.

The bullshit button is prettier, funnier, cheaper, and kicks the scary talking scale’s ass! It is fun for the whole family! Fun for a girl and a boy! Fun for a CEO! Fun for a homeless person! Fun for skinny people! Fun for chubby people! Fun for gay Republicans! Fun for straight artists! Fun for stereotypists! (Is that a word?) Fun for people who need a thesaurus! Fun for people who drive a Taurus! Fun for me! Fun for you! Fun for the kindergartner who licks glue! Even the old woman who lives in a shoe!

Your kids say they can’t eat their vegetables because they aren’t hungry? EHHH…..BULLSHIT.

Your boss says, “We can’t afford to give you a raise this year.” and then tears off in his new BMW? BAM! BULLSHIT!

Wifey says she has a ‘headache’. BULL-SHIT!

Hubs says you’re more beautiful than the day he met you. BULLSHIT–please refer to headache!

Friend says your new, do it yourself, highlights don’t make you look like Pepe Le Pew. BULLSHIT! (Sorry, but bullshit.)

Scale shouts out that you weigh 399 pounds after Christmas? BULLSHIT! You are 398 if you are a LB! Shove your BMI sass up your tempered glass ass, Groupon!

And have yourself a Merry little Christmas.

(If you need me I’ll be with my red solo cup koozie and my bullshit button…..)

 

 

 

 

WELL, I DO LOVE ME A BARGAIN…..

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage | Posted on 20-01-2011

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Don’t you just love a bargain? I mean face it, paying full price is so 2006. So gauche.

You’ve heard of Groupon, yes? It’s a funtacular website that lists different deals in your area at deep discounts. They have deals on everything from sailing lessons to car washes to weekend getaways to butcher shops. The caveat is a certain amount of people need to “buy” the deal for the deal to be “on”. I’ve recently scored calendars from Shutterfly for half off and $40 worth of shoetasticness for only $20 at Shoebuy!!

So imagine my surprise when I opened Groupon to find THIS gem of a deal today!

$250 FOR TWO NONINVASIVE LASER LIPOSUCTION TREATMENTS AT COSMETIC LASER SOLUTIONS ($800 VALUE) or (as they go on to state) 69% OFF

*Cough*am I a gutter dweller for snickering at 69%??? Not 70% off. Not 65% off. 69% off. Me thinks those dirty birdies are trying to imply you might get more than you bargained for with this deal!

OH!!!!!!!!!! Watch out, slim!

BRING IT! CRUNCHES BE DAMNED!

And! Hot damn! If one round of lipo is good, then surely two rounds are better! Hell, at that price, let’s really put a dent in the muffin top and get four!

Hey kids, for less than the price of  a cup of coffee every day (What impoverished children? What irony? I’m getting my skinny on!), mommy can get lipo, lipo, and more lipo!!! Oh you won’t even KNOW me in the carpool line!

Don’t know what to buy that friend who has everything? LIPO!!!

Looking for a fun girl’s day out? Manis and pedis —yawn. Time to get your lipo on!

Who’s in???? Tick tock, people. These deals usually only last a day or two. Would it be bad form to do dinner and drinks after?

Seriously, I’m not at ALL worried about hitting a bargain basement lipo joint. I’m sure the waiver I have to sign will totally put me at ease and explain everything down to the last potentially fatal laser fatastrophe! I mean, yo, their website says right on it, “For People Who Demand The Best.”

Clearly.

Because trolling for cosmetic surgery patients on a site that sells deals on steaks and shoes is always a sign of excellence in your field!

Ummmmmmm…..On second thought, I’ll just take the dinner and drinks, and hold the fat.

WATCH OUT! TOO MUCH WORK AND YOU COULD WIND UP LOOKING LIKE THIS!

I’m old fashioned that way. See you on the treadmill, beatches!

&*^%$#!!!!