YOU WANNA PIECE A’ ME, FLYING SQUIRRELS?

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 18-10-2012

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Here’s a fun fact:

Squirrels. They can fly.

FLY.

 

OH YEAH, I CAN FLY MOTHERCLUCKERS!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

All this time you thought they were hanging in a tree, just trying to scavenge for some nuts?

No. They’ve been flying the friendly skies. IN.MY.HOUSE. Possibly in your house, too.

3, 2, 1……and….

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know. Let it out. It’s ok.

I’m not going to lie. I feel a little bitter. See, I used to kind of like squirrels. Even swerved my rig to avoid hitting them. Slammed my size 8 clearance rack ballet flats—DSW! I love me a sale! Wait, what were we talking about again? OH YEAH— slammed mah fun shoes, wasted valuable tire tread, to spare these creatures a most nasty fate.

And yet. YET! Who knew these little rat bastards would take up residence in my humble abode? Trespassing squatters! Squatting trespassers! You owe me a rent check you fuzzy little shits! Listen up peeps, if one night you’re minding your own biz watching the talent on The Voice (AdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevinecallmeAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevine) and it sounds like there are 300 pound men having a drunken bar brawl in your ceiling, that’s the first clue.  It would be one thing if they were quiet about it—we could all just hug a tree and pretend that I didn’t know that they didn’t know that I know they know they are there. But no. I do know. Because you loud ass mothahtruckers woke my kids. You moron rodentia!

HOMIE, IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. THIS AIN'T MOTEL 6---I DID NOT LEAVE THE LIGHT ON! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

It is ON!

So, because we are generally inept and cowardly, we made the call no one wants to make. We called the pest po-po. Who were more than happy to take care of this shitshow for us. For the low, low price of ELEVEN HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS.

What.

The.

*&^%.

I might swerve TO hit a squirrel on the road. Oh yes I might. You rat bastards are on notice. Notice! You are not safe. None of you. Go gargle with an acorn! Or an empty beer can tab I might accidentally on purpose leave on my deck steps. By accident. Take a dirt nap by my 3/4 painted shed? Be.my.unguestliest.guest.

Listen here, the Catholic Church has a just war theory.

HALLPASS! 

Muffintopmommy, 1. Rodentia, ZERO!!!!!!!!!

For ELEVEN HUNDRED US DOLLARS I now know there are a gazillion small openings at our roof line –we might as well have hung up a “Welcome Loud Ass Furry Douchewaffles” sign. (Why thank you high quality tract home builder! I do SO love my home built of popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. So do the mofo rodentia in my zip code!)

The better news is, the flying squirrels have some mouse buddies who’ve come to party in my casa, too.

Seriously.

More rodentia. More noise beyond the drywall. More just war.

REALLY? IT WASN'T ENOUGH YOU ROBBED ME BLIND IN FLORIDA LAST YEAR? WIPE THAT FAUX INCREDULOUS LOOK OFF YOUR FACE, OR I'LL MAKE SURE LINDSAY LOHAN COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, MOUSEY! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

It didn’t have to be this way. I broke for squirrels–and they took advantage of my peace lovin’ nature.

So now I am sitting here. Letting the cold, hard reality marinate…..there have been multiple critters in the eaves of my attic. Scratching the walls and taunting my kids my delicate flower of a hubs. Poised to rage and ready to do damage.

Hit the road, Jackwads!

TAKE A HINT FURBALL: RODENTIA NON GRATA!

So I suppose, then, I should feel happy that Amazon.com was kind enough to email me today to suggest I might like to buy…my own book, Mommy Mixology.  (Now available on Amazon.com for the low low price of $10 and change. You can buy approximately 110 copies of my book for the SAME price of eradicating rodentia from your attic. Don’t you just LOVE a bargain?!!) A for effort Amazon for knowing your audience. You titan of industry, you. Of  course I would LOVE to buy my own book but I’m a little short this week maybe I can save up for it. Or perhaps they just sensed….I was having a bad, bad, no good, horrible, sucktasticly fracktastic $1100 day and might be in the market for a cocktail. Who knows!

Rodents happen.

You heard it here first.

And for that calamity, you can bet your ass there’s a cocktail!

(If you see me drinking a 40 in a paper bag, you’ll know the rodents won. Until then, charging ON with my high fallutin’ 12 ounce domestic beer in a can.)

Shut up. There is TOO a difference.

 

OOH LOOK! FREE ICE! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME SQUIRRELS! YOU CAN'T BEAT MEEEEEEE!!!!!

 

LIVING THE VIDA LOCA….WITH THE MOUSE.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, Suburban Madness, Uncategorized | Posted on 06-03-2012

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I’m baaa-aaack.

I thought about running away in my flip flops for reals this time, but let’s face it, we all know I ain’t that fast.

The fam and I finally took the plunge and did the Disney trip over school vaca. I have to say, I was a bit of a cynic about the materialistic Disney machine prior to my trip and sort of looked at it like I was checking the box for the kids, but I had soooo much fun. Really. I feel really lucky we got to go even though we might not be able to send the boys to college now. (That mouse is like a B movie mafia guy….smiling at you while he picks your pocket all week!)

GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY WHILE I STAND HERE LOOKING INNOCENT AND DEMURE. ALL OF IT. YES, EVEN THE BEER MONEY. NOW, HAND IT OVER!

Naturally, the most fun was seeing it through my kids’ eyes and getting a sunburn in February. My three year old mauled Handy Manny like a tween at a Bieber concert. Turns out my four year old who’s afraid to go downstairs alone, rocked out on Tower of “Tennis” (aka Terror…he didn’t even say it right the first time which is what made it even funnier), the scariest ride I’ve ever seen —I wouldn’t even get on it. (Bawk-bawk!) The hubs stumbled off it like the walking wounded shouting, “Never again!” like Costanza. And oldest, feeling loud and proud for turning seven the night before the big trip, handled the rides like a pro and told me, “Don’t worry, mom. I’ll hold your hand on the rides because we all know you’re chicken.”

Aww. The shaking must have given it away. Damn.

I’ll spare you all the deets of my trip/Disney education and share just one of the many funny things that happened. I’m in Epcot at Canada buying a beer (eh?) and seven year old is standing right next to me. I’m chatting with my friendly neighbor to the north as I shell out ten smackers for the fun maple leaf souvenir cup (Yes, I am a 12 year old deep down), and I look over and seven year old is sitting on a split rail fence, teetering, and about to fall backwards. I exclaim, “Hey! Get down before you fall!” I could picture the headline in the paper, “7 year old plunges off fence at Epcot while drunken soccer mommy swills Labatt’s Blue nearby”.

It would have been a two foot drop into some Canadian hedges. And I was not drunk! But still. You know how other writers twist things!

But the funniest part was the Canadian bar keep quipping, “Oh don’t worry—-if you fall and get hurt in Canada we have free healthcare!”

Excellent point! I felt better. I needed that $50 urgent care co-pay for my draft beers!

Now who wants to loan me $10 bucks for a box of wine? Because while there truly is no place like home like Dorothy said,  re-entry? Well, it’s difficult in a foot of snow in flip flops. (Now I remember why I usually spend school vaca week at Tarjay!)