Whew!

I’m happy to report I survived Black Friday.

Granted, I was in my snowman pajamas snuggled under the covers sawing wood til the late hour of half past 8, but I am just so grateful my 2 year old didn’t pepper spray me and no one stepped on my face for some Wheaties here at Casa de Muffin Top. I know others did not fare so well.

I was worried. You just never know where danger lurks.

I love me some bargains but oooh, the thought of getting out of my toasty roasty bed after hosting T-giving (that’s right…..and opening that can of cranberry sauce was the last straw…it totally did me in…)was too much for any 50% off wafflemaker. Unless Coach Taylor was up for grabs, I was just not ready to do battle with the people of Walmart. I’m klutzy on a good day–half asleep with gravy coursing through my veins–you know I wouldda gotten taken out by one of those scooter people cuz I’d be too slow to pole vault away into a display of Faded Glory madness.

So here I sit. Not one Christmas present purchased. Not.a.one.

And the overacievers on Facebook are stressing me out. (You know who you are, you crazy little elves, you. Bastards!)

You know the ones–they’re putting status updates like this up:

Tree trimmed? Check! Lights up? Check! Christmas quilts on all the beds? Check! Holiday afghans knitted for the senior center? Check! Christmas presents for friends, family, bus driver, teachers, mailman, street sweeper, babysitter, dog walker, newspaper mystery delivery person, check out girl at supermarket, brother’s girlfriend’s stepfather’s sister purchased, wrapped, and under tree? Check, check, and cha-eck! Gifts from toy drive for needy children wrapped and dropped to shelter?  Check. *

Ugh oh. I knew I should have started my shopping in 2010!

I’m a terrible person! The worst! A total procrastinator. I have nothing for my kids! For the needy kids! For the hubs! The teacher! The seniors! The distant almostsortakinda relative! The butcher! The baker! The candlestick maker!

 Think, think, think. I can do this. I’m not stressed. I’m not.

See now that I’m off my pneumonia meds, I can hit the sauce.

Can you have a beer while you shop at Walmart?

NOOOOOOOOOO. (You really should be able to. It might take the sting out of some of the scenery. No really. Seriously.)

UMMMM. I DON'T SEE ANY POURING GOING ON, WALMART LADIES. SO NO DICE!

But I can in my family room. While I’m on my computer. Shopping til I drop in my snowman jammies! I can google for coupon codes with my best pepper spray game face on. GRRRRRRRRRRR. I can throw my muffin top around the family room and pretend to knock down little old ladies for wii games while I’m on toyrus.com! JOY TO THE WORLD! WINNING! It’s the reason for the season, yo!

CRUSHING CYBERSPACE FROM THE COUCH. HUZZAH! PARTY SNACKS AND BEERS INCLUDED. AND MAYBE SOME RHONJ RERUNS. ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN GET ME SOME CHINCHILLA??

I can have hot chocolate with fluffed marshmallow vodka while I swoop in and crush some ebay auctions.

Hellz yeah.

Don’t –don’t even try to grab up the last blender at amazon.com or I will cut you. I will. I will find your cyber arse and cut you with my sword mean unChristmasy, un Jimmy Stewart words.

It’s holiday time. It’s on. Good tidings to all and to all a good figh–I mean, night. Night!

*If this was your status update though, let’s be friends! Really! You can help people like me!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting my blog, there are some real sickos charmers out there. Oh, I have proof and I’m not afraid to out them. I get cursory stats on how many peeps visit my blog, and some basic information about how they arrive to hear the word of the muffin top….for example, it tells me if someone clicks on my blog from twitter, Facebook, Boston.com, a referral from another (FUNTASTIC!) blog (Check out my blog roll!) or through a subscription to muffintopmommy, etc.

But the most fun I have on the stats page? Hands down, reading the “Google search terms” column. This is a list of words or phrases that people Google to find my blog. Sometimes it’s simply some variation of the sorta-kinda made up word, muffintopmommy, or parts of a title of an old post. Sometimes it’s evident these innocents probably didn’t intend to wind up on my blog. But ha ha! Accidental readers,  sickos charmers, welcome—one and all. We heart new readers and commenters, we really do.

I decided if the blog is generating some funnies by accident, wouldn’t it be wrong to keep it to myself? So here’s a list of my top ten fave Google search terms. (Oh hell yeah, there’s way more than 10! This was the toughest editing I’ve done in a while.) Listen Letterman, two can play at this game, Homie! I’m not intimidated by your fancy double breasted suits, two tone shoes,  and team of talented writers. (Bill Scheft, holla!)

Top 10 Best Google Searches for Muffintopmommy:

10. My boyfriend likes to pinch my muffin top. (But can he pinch an inch? If not, hit the bricks. I’m not down with that.)

9. dirty frat house (I beg your pardon? I know I said I pretty much *live* in a frat house, and while it may not be up to Martha’s prison standards, I do demand some degree of cleanliness. Just because I named my dust bunnies, you don’t have to be that way!)

I ONLY WISH MY HOUSE WERE THIS LOVELY!

8. Real Housewives of New Jersey coke whoahh (All I did was quote Caroline Manzo in my Boston soda post, and they think I’ve got the goods on Dirty D? And whoahh as the phonetic spelling of whore….you gotta go back to the drawing board on that one, people.)

7. Old school Tretorns, dirty Tretorns, 80′s Tretorns..I get a lotta Tretorn hits! (Hellz yeah! Kicking it old school. My Izod Cardigan is in the mail, yo.)

6. Jillian Michaels muffin top (Good one. This post really got people fired up. And me looking over my shoulder. Don’t hurt me, Jillian! ~Runs and hides under the bed…~)

5. I wanna tinkle (Get in line. But you came to the right place if you wanna bitch about having an audience!)

4. drunk lady (I beg your pardon?)

3. drunk bear (‘SCUSE ME! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAR? DRUNK? MAYBE. BEAR? SCREW YOU!)

2. pissed off women blogs (Now that just makes no sense. Pissed off? Moi? You wanna start? Huh? You wan’ an STFU sammie?)

1. And last? Show your muffin top. (That would really be a poor idea. Nowhere on this blog have I ever advocated for this. Why chance scarring the children for life?  The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against. Word. )

*Bonus round: muffin top porn. Yes, I said it. Muffin top porn. MUFFINTOPPORN! No, really. What is wrong with people?

 **Bonus, bonus round: Smut magazine. Yes, I do reference smut mags from time to time. But something tells me my version of a smut mag is different than some internet troll’s version!

Thanks to you all for searching, reading, and commenting. None of this would be any fun without you. And that’s a fact!

I’ve been discovered! I have. It’s awesome. I’ve been wishing, hoping, someone in a position of authority would contact me regarding my blog. Well muffintoppers, that day has come. I received the following email at my muffintopmommy address. I’ve posted the actual email so you can share in my excitement. (And, not to get all braggy on you, show just how important a gal I am!) My responses are in CAPS throughout the email. Ready? 

Dear Janet,
We came across your blog, Muffintop Mommy and see that you are an influential voice among the parenting community in Boston (I AM? THAT IS SCARY. BECAUSE I LIVE ALMOST AN HOUR AWAY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH IS A CHICK FROM THE GRANITE STATE WHO’S BEEN KNOWN TO YELL, “MOVE IT D BAG!” IN FRONT OF HER KIDS IN THE CAR? NO WONDER PEOPLE ARE LEAVING MASS IN DROVES!) We wanted to reach out to you to tell you about an important citywide campaign that is taking place this summer- Boston’s first Soda-Free Summer Challenge. (SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S COUSIN NEEDED A MADE UP CUSHY TAX FUNDED JOB…. I MEAN, NEATO!)
Drinking soda can slow us down by causing weight gain and health problems, like type 2 diabetes and heart disease. (UM. I’M NO HEALTH NUT, BUT HAVE YOU TRIED DIET COKE? IT’S LIKE…ZERO CALORIES.) 

PLEASE NOTE THE CAN SAYS, "SUGAR FREE." PROBLEM SOLVED! GLAD I COULD HELP, GOVERNMENT!

Obesity and associated health problems are dramatically affecting our city, with recent data showing that 52 percent of adults are considered overweight or obese, and about half of high school students are either overweight or at-risk of being overweight. (DID YOU EVEN READ THE NAME OF MY BLOG? MUF-FIN-TOP-MOM-MY….AS IN, I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP. SOME FLAB IN MY ABS. CONTEXT CLUES, GOVERNMENT WONK…I’M KIND OF A FATTY… LIKE THE SCHLUMPS YOU ARE TARGETING. FIRST RULE OF A PITCH….KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, GIRLFRIEND. YOU DON’T SEE PEOPLE HAWKING TWINKIES AT TRIATHALONS. YOU FOLLOW? ALSO? IF PEOPLE ARE FATTIES, IT’S THEIR FAULT SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST MYOB. IT TOOK THE CITY OF BOSTON FOUR YEARS TO GIVE THE FIREFIGHTERS A CONTRACT, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA GET THE MCCHUBBIES TO STOP DOING THE DEW IN TWO MONTHS? BTW, MAYOR MUMBLES MENINO LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN ENJOYING HIMSELF A FEW COKES. YOU SHOULD REALLY MAKE HIM YOUR POSTER CHILD. AND AFTER THE WAY HE TREATED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, I DOUBT THOSE JAKES WILL BE RUSHING DOWN WITH THEIR DEFRIBRILATORS IF MUMBLES GOES DOWN IN THE CONCRETE JUNGLE. HE MAY WANNA KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF OR LAY OFF ANGELA’S LASAGNA, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?)
In response to this issue, the Boston Public Health Commission (BPHC) is launching Boston’s first citywide Soda-Free Summer Challenge. We are asking individuals and organizations to take a pledge to not drink soda for the summer. ( NO. JUST, NO. DIET COKE AND I? TO QUOTE THE GREAT CAROLINE MANZO OF JERSEY, WELL…”WE’RE THICK AS THIEVES.” YEAH. DIET COKE IS MY HOMIE. MY CRACK ATTACK. LA FAVORITO DRINKO. NEXT TO BEER. BUT FACE IT,  A MOM WITH AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS I..SIMPLY CANNOT BE SEEN SWILLING AND CHILLING BEFORE A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE HOUR, AM I RIGHT? SO DIET COKE IT IS! BRING ON….THE ASPARTAME. AHHH!)

BOSTON WILL KNOW. OH THEY WILL! THEY'LL KNOW IF YOU HAVE COKE. YOU WATCH IT, YOU PORTLY SCOFFLAW!

 
Since you are an influential voice in your community(NOT BOSTON) and a role model to your children (PLEASE REVIEW PARAGRAPH ONE), we would like to ask you to take the pledge and be a leader in this campaign. We realize you and some of your followers may not be residents of Boston proper (YOUR PLEA WILL TOTALLY RESONATE WITH MY READERS ACROSS THE POND. I JUST JOLLY KNOW IT! BRILLIANT!) , but we hope you see the importance of spreading the message to everyone – a healthy lifestyle shouldn’t be restricted to city limits! (NATCH! WE ARE THE WORLD! I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR FAILING SCHOOLS, RUNAWAY FIRE TRUCKS, OR DRIVE BY SHOOTINGS, DEFINITELY USE YOUR RESIDENTS’ HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS TO RID THE WORLD OF INSIDIOUS SODA! PRIORITIZE. YES!)
You can take the pledge on our Facebook page (www.Facebook.com/HealthyBoston) or on our website (www.bphc.org/sodafreesummer).  When you take the pledge, you will be entered into our weekly raffle for a chance to win some great health-oriented prizes that include online personal fitness training from Life in Synergy (GOOD THING IT’S ONLINE SINCE I LIVE….AN HOUR AWAY!), water bottles, healthy grocery store gift cards (YOU KNOW THEY SELL SODA AT THE GROCERY STORE, YES?), and a bicycle. (NO 30 PACKS? NO SOX TICKETS? A PIE FROM SANTARPIO’S? NO? NOTHING? THEN NO DICE!)
In addition, we are attaching a badge to display on your blog and/or Facebook page to demonstrate your commitment to your health, your children’s health, and the health of the community. (I AM COMMITTED TO MY CHILDREN’S HEALTH. WHICH IS WHY I DON’T LET THEM PLAY WITH MATCHES OR DRINK SUGARY SODA. I DON’T NEED YOUR BADGE TO TELL ME THAT. INSTEAD, I GIVE THEM “CRAP-I SUN”…WHICH IS….OH, SHIT, ALSO SUGAR LADEN. YEAH, WELL. UM. I’M A ROLE MODEL! YOU EVEN SAID IT!)You can also print out this badge to display in your home or your office. (OH SQUEE! I’VE BEEN MEANING TO REDECORATE!)
We would love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions. (NO, I DON’T THINK YOU WOULD.) Please contact BLABBITY BLAH (NAME X’D OUT TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT DO GOODER) for more information or to sign up to take the pledge!
 
Thank you, (YOU ARE SO WELCOME. NOW PLEASE CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A NEWSPAPER COLUMN, BOOK DEAL, A PRICEY AD TO RUN ON MY BLOG, OR MY LOTTERY WINNINGS. GOOD DAY!) 

BLABBITY BLAH
Boston Public Health Commission 

OH AND P.S. BOSTON PUBLIC HEALTH COMMISSION? YOU GET THE STFU FRIDAY SAMMIE. BUT DON’T WORRY, I’LL MAKE IT LOW SUGAR FOR YOU. FEEL FREE TO DISPLAY THE MUFFINTOPMOMMY LOGO ON YOUR DESK WHILE ENJOYING IT. IT WILL PAIR WELL WITH YOUR DELISH BOSTON CITY TAP WATER. I JUST KNOW IT!