MUFFIN TOP DIY….

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Retail Therapy, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Things that make you go....awwww, Uncategorized | Posted on 03-01-2013

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Wow, so the title didn’t scare you away, huh?

I love you guys! Happy New Year to all you crazy muffintoppers. I hope 2013 brings you much peace, happiness, and prosperity.

Speaking of prosperity, or a lack of it, ahem, I have some fun stuff to share with you. During the holiday season, I got my DIY on.

 

Shizz to shine….all on a dime. 

I gots to save mah money…..for new shoes and wine. 

Or somethin’ like that. I also like feeding and clothing my kids. They are so demanding like that!

Quick backstory. When I got married and was all off with my bad self with a double income and no kids, I bought a traditional, pricey cherry dining room set. Which, I have grown to dislike over the past almost 13 years. Practically hate. I know it’s great quality furniture with dovetailed drawers and blabbity blah, but it’s not really my style anymore which is a gut punch because the planner in me thought I’d always like it because it would never go out of style. BURN! When I look at it now all I see is big and brown and… bor-ing. But at the same time, I feel kinda married to it because it cost a lot of money and because the practical part of me knows I can’t sell it for near what I paid for it. So, I decided if I can’t beat it, I’d join it. Or somethin’ like that……..I’mma show you some pics of my DIY but please forgive my craptastic iphone and pocket camera pics….I’m a writer not a photographer (definitely chose the wrong gig!).

I'D SHOW YOU THE TABLE BUT SHE'S CURRENTLY INDISPOSED.....WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ON TOP OF HER!

So the big Bertha china cabinet inspired this whole DIY kick. Enter Craigslist. I’ve been on enough blogs lately to know if you have an eye, you can score some nice pieces on the cheap and get your magic on. “Pfft! I can do that! I think?” , I huffed inside my head as I perused all the afters on blogs and Pinterest. So I decided I’d look for a sideboard to break up all the brown in the room and paint it a fun color. I also wanted a place to throw some lamps for extra lighting and a place to display some pics and other fun shenanigans.

I sniffed around and then boom, scored a cherry, dovetail, old school, sturdy as my muffin top, sideboard on Craiglist! FOR $25!!!!

TWENNY FIVE DOLLAH?

TWENNY FIVE US DOLLAHS! HO HO HOLLA!!!!!!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEE!!!!

ONE DAY IN CASA DE LA MUFFIN TOP GARAGE AND ALREADY, CLUNKITY JUNK ALL OVER IT. CAN YOU SEE THE SCRATCHES ON IT? SHE WAS A BANGED UP DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH....

You can see some damage here:

LITTLE SCRATCHY......

AND….

SCRATCHTABULOUS. AND NAKED--NO KNOB!

The top was a tiny bit sketchy:

A LITTLE SKETCHAROO BUT TWENNY FIVE DOLLAH!!!

Did I mention I politely asked made hubs drive an hour and fifteen minutes to east bumbleberg randomville (It’s not every day you get to drive by a nudist park! You’re welcome!) to meet a stranger at a barn to pick this up because I was skeered that this was too good to be true and that someone would stab me with a pitchfork and stuff me in a hayloft instead of selling me this thing of beauty for TWENNY FIVE DOLLAH! (Maybe I should write fiction!) The woman was a doll, turns out. WHOOPS!!! I mean, phew, because that really would have stunk if hubs was stabbed with a pitchfork and stuffed in a hayloft all because of Big Bertha! (I don’t even know what a hayloft is but I’m assuming it’s a loft with hay and a good place to hide a dead Craigslist shopper.)

After hubs got home, he was kind enough to A. wash the sideboard with Murphy Oil Soap because, hi, the kind lady bought it auction and who knows where it was and who had it and what they had in it and……eww and B. he took off all the hardware for me  and then he picked me up some special, magical paint called Annie Sloan chalk paint. (Not to be confused with chalkboard paint.)

Let me tell you something right now. I read about it online and wasn’t sure what to think. The fact that it’s $40 a quart (as in $15 bones more than the piece!) and the nearest place to get it is a cutesy boutique 45 minutes from my house did not help sway me! BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They said you could paint something without priming and without sanding. I liked the sound of THAT. They said it adheres to anything. Often with only one coat, but that you should probably wax it afterward because otherwise it would be a very flat, almost chalky texture. It’s known to make distressing easy, if you’re into that. And, they said, one quart goes a long way.

I had to try it—I thought if this beast could become a beauty with this paint, it was worth the price of admission.

So here’s my piece (minus drawers) after two coats of Annie Sloan chalk paint in Chateau Grey—I’d applied them both the night before. I personally thought it was too streaky with only one coat but it covered crazy, crazy well considering the condition and color of the piece and no sanding or priming. I’m a belieber now. Seriously. And after two coats, I still had over a half a can left!

I did distress it lightly with some 140 grit sandpaper–first time ever. It was pretty easy!

I LOVE THIS LITTLE DETAIL AND THOUGHT THE DISTRESSING WOULD HIGHLIGHT IT.

Now here is where things got a little ugly: waxing. It was twenty degrees the morning I hauled this out on the deck to wax it. The Annie Sloan Chalk Paint peeps recommend you buy their wax but I was a. skeptical and b. really skeptical and c. trying to stick to my DIY cheap theme and so I thought, “HA HA! I don’t need no fancy Annie Sloan wax for….twenny five dollah! I can get a sideboard for twenty five dollah! I will buy Minwax at Lowe’s for TEN dollah and save $15 dollah! for beer/shoes/Cheerios.”

Par-tayyy!

Except it wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was TWENTY freaking degrees. (Dumbarse couldn’t have gone all DIY in August? I had to start this shizz in December?). The wax was hard, crumbly, not pliable. I thought I’d just “Wax on, wax off!” ala Mr. Miyagi. Apparently, I ain’t no Karate Kid. I knew it had been going too smoothy–and the kicker? It started to SNOW and I could not haul this thing in my house because the wax is SOO STANKY and would have for sure given 7 year old some kind of asthma attack. As an added bonus, I had major bed head, was clad in polka dot pajama pants, and we finally got new next door neighbors and they were moving in just as I was fighting with a yellow wax can, sputtering and yelling at a green sideboard on my deck, which happens to face their house.

“Welcome to the neighborhood!”

I haven’t seen them since.

Anyway, lesson learned on the wax. I threw a hat and legit pants on, screeched to Lowe’s and bought the cheapest buffer they had for $30 bones and went over the piece and it was like silk. But next time I have a rough piece like this, I won’t hesitate to spring for the fancypancy wax.

Anyway, enough of all this! I wanted to take you through the process in case you are on a budget and want something pretty and shiny!

Here she is now:

HERE SHE IS!!! AIN'T SHE GRAND?!!!!!

 

OH! Here’s a close up of the new bling knobs I got at Hobby Lobby (Hob to the Lob–where have you been all my life?!!)

THEY WERE SERIOUSLY LIKE $3 EACH. OMG!

 

And check this out:

AFTER I SCHLEPPED THEM HOME, I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH THE SHAPE MIMICKED THE SHAPE OF MY FAVE ASPECT OF THE PIECE! I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS OR A HAPPY ACCIDENT!

 

I think my new beauty will have a long and happy life here.

OOOH, MOOD LIGHTING! THANKS TO THE TARJAY LAMPS I SNATCHED OFF MY DRESSER!

Sorry for the long post, Muffintoppers! I know some of you might not be into DIYing and want to just stick to the funny biz, so I’m thinking of starting a little fun DIY blog on the side. I figure if I can do it, ANYONE can. I have some other projects up my sleeve. I’d love to hear what you guys think. Should I go for it?

Update:

Wait! A reader told me I forgot to tally what I spent on the whole shebang;

sideboard: $25

gas to get sideboard: I dunno. I stink at keeping track of stuff like that.

hubs not getting stabbed in a hayloft: Free. That makes the trip to get sideboard, and finding out where the nudist park is, a free joyride.

paint: $40

wax: $10 (but I can use it again–when hell freezes over or my new neighbors work up the courage to speak to me!)

buffer machine thingy: $30 (But I can use it again! To get hubs ready for the nudist park! Too much? I’m kidding, people!)

Hobby Lobby bling knobs: $6

So let’s see….25 plus free plus 40 plus 10 plus 30 plus 6 carry the 1 = $111? Yup. $111. Dude, you can’t get furniture at Tarjay for that! I’ll take it!

 

THIS IS MY BRAIN ON…SUMMER?

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Suburban Madness, Uncategorized | Posted on 01-08-2012

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I need something to blame. My brain, well, it’s not functioning properly. Lack of sleep? Eh, that’s not new. Adult beverages? No. I survived college with brain cells intact so that ain’t it. I’m thinking this is just my brain…on summer?

I’m not sure if it’s the lack of routine that comes with summer, but ever since school got out I’m being kind of…a dummy? It’s gotta be too many unstructured days making me forget bills, pantry staples that need replacing, and other mundane tasks that seem to get taken care of seamlessly during the year. The good news is I haven’t lost any of my kids (Or my sanity–yet) when we’re out and about and so barring that, nothing I’ve done or not done really matters at the end of the day. BUT! When I talk to my friends who do things like….run businesses AND households simultaneously, it’s enough to crush a muffin top’s psyche! I need a consult with the tin man, stat.

It always starts out innocently enough. Yesterday, I had to run a few errands with the three gremlins in tow. Trying to run into TJMaxx to grab a small purse with three boys might be a fool’s errand, but I went for it anyway. The lure of the purse beckoned me, even as my brain got all shouty inside, “Look awaaaaay! How badly do you REALLY need this?”

Exactly. So! Soon, we were inside mama’s playland, 3 year old parading around balancing six different purses, 5 year old knocking down four pairs of sunglasses while simultaneously picking out ginormous, floppy hats for me, and 7 year old enjoying his fill of making funny faces in the mirror (he lost two teeth this week and is really having a fun time with his changing smile—but if he keeps this up Imma have to puree all his food AND take out a tooth fairy bank loan!). After everyone had their fun at the expense of the lovely TJMaxx merchandise, we made our way to the registers.

Oh TJMaxx, I know just what you and your sly marketing people are doing, forcing us to snake past the myriad of impulse purchases in the new feeder line to the registers. Soaps and cute gift bags and cushy socks, oh my! I could resist the pretty soaps and explain away the squeaky dog toys to 3 year old, I really could, but just as I thought we were in the clear, on the last shelf–right at the critical 3 foot eye level— the Nerf guns? Last straw! Soon I had a three year old convulsing on the not that clean floor. (Ok, it was probably cleaner than my floors. Your point?)

“IWANNNNNNNERFGUNNNNNN! I WANNNNNNERFGUNNNNNN! I WANNNNNNNNERFGUNNNNNN!”

Really TJMaxx? Really? You’re on my shit list. Top. In bold. And italics for good measure. If you think you had me at a $16.99 faux croc black clutch, you be sorely mistaken! (Hangs head—I still bought it.)

I would say you had to be there, but you probably heard him, his cries and stomps and screams reverberating around planet earth…and then back again. I mean, when the other shorties start covering their ears, you know it ain’t good. I did my best to stand tall and walk calmly to the register and by ignoring him, he eventually understood it was game over. Bless the kind cashier’s heart–she kept grinning and gave me the sister soldier head nod, saying, “I have three grown boys. I know. I’m not laughing at you–this just brings me back and I totally get it.”

Why does the underpaid, overworked cashier get it and not you mean corporate suits, TJ Maxx! You’re all up in your climate controlled offices plotting how to sell me more $hit and the poor cashiers and moms are left holding the bag at the checkout. Not coo!

Rant aside, I know these crap-tastrophes happen to all of us–and they always seem to get us when we’re doing that one quick errand. But isn’t it so nice when you’re down and out to get the person who gives you the look, the smile, the few sentences that say, “I totally get it—no big?” instead of the “other” looks—from the holier than thou-ers, the crabby abbys who apparently live charmed lives in glass houses where clean clothes are folded and put away right out of the dryer instead of lying in a wrinkled heap while you burn the dinner!

So for that, I am thankful. And 3 year old, as he always does with his impish grin and squishy hugs and doe eyes, redeemed himself shortly after. I was cruising out of the parking lot after a spin through Tarjay (imagine that!) and he starts squawking from the back, “Mooommm! The bears!” I didn’t think much of it and he persisted, “Mooom! The bears! You forgot the bears!” I said, “Bears? What bears? Huh?” And then I asked his brothers, “Wait, does he mean beers?” And it clicked. I drove back to the shopping cart I’d used, and sure enough, the 12 pack of Diet Cokes were still underneath!

Credit: SOMEECARDS

I have NO idea why 3 year old would assume all cans have beer in them!  I was really proud of what a little sharpie he was to notice I’d forgotten my beloved Diet Cokes. But the fact that my 3 year old has a better attention to detail is not lost on me. This morning I was driving the kids to the playground and there was a motorcycle policeman behind me. All I’m thinking is, “I’m not speeding and my tail light is fixed! I am soooo not getting pulled over like last month!” Sure enough, after trailing me for like two miles, he pulls me over.

OH.MY.GOD.

5 year old starts squealing, “Mama’s getting pulled over A-GAIN!”

So the officer comes to the window and asks me for my license and reg and I grab the reg out of the box, look at it, look at him, look at it and go, “OMG. It’s August, isn’t it?”

“Yup!”

So, Smarty McForgettypants had 31 days in July to renew her reg and totally spaced on getting it done. (If you must know I was clearly too busy at TJMaxx!)

After the grandma of one of 5 year old’s friends drove by (Hi!) and I sat wondering how much a ticket might be, the kindly cop gave me a break and I told him I’d go take care of it right away—which I did, before I could forget. Again.

Credit: SOMEECARDS

And when I drove away, 5 year old exclaimed with the authority of a passenger who has, in his words, “Been pulled over two times by the police”……”I knew you were going to get pulled over when I saw that policeman. You were driving WAY too fast!”

I’ll totally cop to a summer bout of muffintopforgetfuldumbassitis, but driving too fast with kids in the car, um no!

 

7 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT, NEED, AND COULD LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING. READY?

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 17-05-2012

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A few weeks ago, I won an award. No, not a certificate of sucktasticness, which I proudly won a few years ago. Meeeemories!

I was nominated for a blogging award on my friend’s blog, Nurse Mommy Laughs. (The funny thing is–I can’t find it now–it vanished. Really. But I’m still a winner. I swear. I knew it as early as 7th grade, when I guessed the weight of a ginormous pumpkin at a fair, and won a free Rolls Royce ride around town. I have skillz–don’t want to brag but that was NOT easy. And, I have to say, ginger ale in a plastic wine glass has never tasted better. I’m sure that driver was so cranked to pick up a tinsel toothed 7th grade girl in neon pants and Barracuda jacket and her mom. Two thumbs up on your raffle investment, Rolls company!)

Anyyyway, I have a proven track record of winning. Clearly. And I hope you check Stacey’s blog out. Stacey is a mom who spent many years as a pediatric RN. Especially when you have kids of your own, you realize it takes a very special person to have the strength to work with sick children. I thank God there are caring people like Stacey who can do it because those kids deserve the very best, and I would be bawling in the corner. Guessing that would not be helpful. I tip my Bud Light to Stacey and all the health care providers who work tirelessly on behalf of children everywhere.

Nurse Stacey’s award came with rules. I don’t like rules per se, but since  I’m A. a nerd herd rule follower and B. Stacey is good peeps who knows how to wield needles, I’m going to do exactly what she says. So no one gets hurt. She said I’m to share 7 things with you all that you don’t know about me. Let’s try to get through this without horrifying anyone. Ready? GO!

1. I’m a LEO. (That probably splains a lot.)

2. I loooove to throw parties. And I’m a total “more the merrier–grab a red Solo cup and come on by” type person….how-e-ver, this has been hampered somewhat in recent years by children sucking me dry and their activities, but I hope to get my Martha Stewart Animal House on more now that the kids are getting older.

3. I am 74 years old.

*Please note my fashion and cooking prowess. I know. You’re wondering how I juggle it all. Many do.

4. I once got carjacked around the corner from Fenway Park in broad daylight. (Please visit the Boston Tourism Board to book your next, fun getaway! “The spirit of Massachusetts is the spirit of America!”) (Bet you didn’t see that one coming!) The funny thing is, it happened before car jacking was even in vogue. (I’m a trendsetter.) And, I was only 12. Nothing like being held at gunpoint to make a bucked tooth, Barracuda jacket wearing girl scream! I screamed so loud that I think the glass on the car windows shattered, the dude told me I could go, and I jumped out as he was pulling away. I have skillz again! I can wield off gun toting bandits with just my voice! (Shut up.) No need to carry pepper spray or a weapon. Armed and dangerous, right here. Step off, bad people! I will send you running. RAR!!!

5. I know. It’s hard to top 4. Ask my mom. Let’s see….I was born in Boston and lived in the same house from the time I was born until I left for college. I went to college in Ohio–completely random choice based on a brochure (really)–and loved it. I went home with one of my bf’s one weekend to Cleveland and asked her, “Why can’t I see the other side of the lake?” True story. She was like, “Um….because it’s in Canada, dummy!” Growing up outside Boston, we always went to the ocean and any lakes I saw were small–I had seen great lakes on map but didn’t understand the magnitude until I really saw one. Who knew they looked just like the ocean! (I’m worldy, I know.) I was also informed by my midwest friends that my plan to “run through cornfields because it looked fun” would cut me and hurt like hell. Who knew!!! So I just stuck to Coppertoning at the lake.

6. I once gave my scarf to a fun girl in a bar in Blarney, Ireland in the spirit of fostering international relations. Meaning….we bonded over Irish cider, she liked it, it was from Tarjay and I knew I could get a new one when I went home! Plus, I felt I owed something to the good people of Ireland for letting me kiss their cold, wet, germy, grey stone.

7. Once in college I went white water rafting with some high school friends in East Bumbleebee Ass Crack, Maine. We faux camped/shivered (Seriously. Northern Maine I think has like one day of summer. All the other days are fifty degrees or below.), cooked out, and drank beer to keep warm. All fun until the next morning, when I had to put on a tomato red wetsuit fatsuit (And seriously. Tomato red. Who looks good in that color? I want names.) Really regretted not taking the chilled out canoe trip–might have cursed my friend who planned it lured me with grilled meats and beer. We actually got in a raft where a 95 pound raft guide assured my girlfriends and I that if any of us fell out, she would pluck us to safety. Ok, crackhead, smoke some more dope in the woods, crunchola bar. Guess who dumped out first, went skkying down the river, sans paddle, with just my wits about me for a few miles? ME. Big Red. Let’s just say that now I know how my towels feel during the spin cycle and that a hung over muffin top is no match for the wilds of Maine! Eventually, after I said my mental good byes in my head to my family and the cast of The Outsiders (“Stay gold, Ponyboy! I’ll see you on the other side!”), forgave the carjacker, and pondered briefly who would be bequeathed my bitching mix tape collection, I rounded the corner, the choir of angels Van Morrison sang to me, and a raft full of hot guys on a bachelor party plucked my tomato ass to safety. As I choked and sputtered like a wrinkled, red, sexy beast. GAH! “Hey guys, look what I caught!” They were actually very nice guys. But now you know why me being outdoorsy is playing wiffle ball while I sip my beer!

That is all, muffintoppers. For verifcation purposes, my church going, 79 year old mother is on stand by to swear this list is almost 100% factual. (Fine. I’m actually 75.)

LIVING THE VIDA LOCA….WITH THE MOUSE.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, Suburban Madness, Uncategorized | Posted on 06-03-2012

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I’m baaa-aaack.

I thought about running away in my flip flops for reals this time, but let’s face it, we all know I ain’t that fast.

The fam and I finally took the plunge and did the Disney trip over school vaca. I have to say, I was a bit of a cynic about the materialistic Disney machine prior to my trip and sort of looked at it like I was checking the box for the kids, but I had soooo much fun. Really. I feel really lucky we got to go even though we might not be able to send the boys to college now. (That mouse is like a B movie mafia guy….smiling at you while he picks your pocket all week!)

GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY WHILE I STAND HERE LOOKING INNOCENT AND DEMURE. ALL OF IT. YES, EVEN THE BEER MONEY. NOW, HAND IT OVER!

Naturally, the most fun was seeing it through my kids’ eyes and getting a sunburn in February. My three year old mauled Handy Manny like a tween at a Bieber concert. Turns out my four year old who’s afraid to go downstairs alone, rocked out on Tower of “Tennis” (aka Terror…he didn’t even say it right the first time which is what made it even funnier), the scariest ride I’ve ever seen —I wouldn’t even get on it. (Bawk-bawk!) The hubs stumbled off it like the walking wounded shouting, “Never again!” like Costanza. And oldest, feeling loud and proud for turning seven the night before the big trip, handled the rides like a pro and told me, “Don’t worry, mom. I’ll hold your hand on the rides because we all know you’re chicken.”

Aww. The shaking must have given it away. Damn.

I’ll spare you all the deets of my trip/Disney education and share just one of the many funny things that happened. I’m in Epcot at Canada buying a beer (eh?) and seven year old is standing right next to me. I’m chatting with my friendly neighbor to the north as I shell out ten smackers for the fun maple leaf souvenir cup (Yes, I am a 12 year old deep down), and I look over and seven year old is sitting on a split rail fence, teetering, and about to fall backwards. I exclaim, “Hey! Get down before you fall!” I could picture the headline in the paper, “7 year old plunges off fence at Epcot while drunken soccer mommy swills Labatt’s Blue nearby”.

It would have been a two foot drop into some Canadian hedges. And I was not drunk! But still. You know how other writers twist things!

But the funniest part was the Canadian bar keep quipping, “Oh don’t worry—-if you fall and get hurt in Canada we have free healthcare!”

Excellent point! I felt better. I needed that $50 urgent care co-pay for my draft beers!

Now who wants to loan me $10 bucks for a box of wine? Because while there truly is no place like home like Dorothy said,  re-entry? Well, it’s difficult in a foot of snow in flip flops. (Now I remember why I usually spend school vaca week at Tarjay!)

 

A VALENTINE’S DAY ODE

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Things that make you go....awwww, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 12-02-2012

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Happy Valentine’s Day my lovelies! It’s that time again….time for the annual Valentine’s Day ode to the hubs. I just can’t help myself again. Don’t you worry–we are still keeping the magic alive on this special day. I have an appointment with my ob-gyn for my annual visit (I hope it’s as special for her as it is for me.) and hubs is probably going to a work thing with his boss and two other dudes. This? Is what girls dream about. I might round out the day with a few loads of laundraaaay. Not sure yet. I like to keep my options open.
 
What about you? Do you think V-Day is just a cheesy Hallmark holiday or are you waiting with bated breath and outstretched arms for your flowers, candy, and candlelight dinners? However you want to express your lovin’, I hope everyone feels the love on V-Day!
 
 
NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO. Just, NO!!!!!!

 

 
 
Roses are red.
Violets are not.
Bringing me flowers on V Day
Just ain’t that hot.
 
Lemme sleep in,
Take the kids at witching hour.
Bring me some gin.
But keep yo damn flower!
 
A sweater, a scarf, even a purse I can do.
Of course, you know me likie shoes, too.
And don’t spend 8 grand on some huge sappy card,
Just say I love you–don’t make it that hard.
 
Save your cashola to feed the muffin top.
Some seafood or steak?
But please , no lamb chops. (BAA!)
 
If you show with even one stinking rose,
I swear to God I’m gonna break your nose.
Oy, do you know the mark up on V Day?
And seriously, could it be any more cliche?
 
If you really want me to swoon?
                    
Bring me a 12 pack some random day in June!
The only “Buds” I wanna see from my man?
Come in a lovely glass bottle or can.
 
Oh, don’t be afraid–I’m not starting a fight.
You always *mostly* get it just right.
And if you can’t find that perfect gift for me?
I know of one that is perfectly free!
 
You can *for once* just replace the TP!                                                
It’s already bought and wrapped in clear plastic!
It’s so super soft and perfectly round.
Under the sink is where it is found.
And when you need it, it sure is fantastic.
What? I’m not even being sarcastic!  
 
I love you, dear.
I love you so much.
You’ve nothing to fear.
Your gifts, always clutch.
 
If my demands seem mean or even nasty,
You knew when we married
I’d be bringing some sassy!
 
I must confesss now, I don’t care what you do         
As long as you read this and still love me, too!
 
 *Props to the very funny wendiaarons.com for teaching me how to make that bitchin’ heart! Check out her site!
 
Well, ladies? What say you?
 

 

SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE A THREE WAY? SUUURE.

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Uncategorized | Posted on 06-10-2011

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DOROTHY, WE ARE A LONG WAY FROM HOME!

I interrupt this program ‘cuz I gotta tell you, this has been A WEEK. Because I truly dig my faithful MTM readers, I shall spare you the deets. (Do ya really wanna know anyway?) 4 out of 5 random muffintoppers polled agree: somethin’ in the air stanks this week! (And the 5th one was stumblin’ drunk and just didn’t care!) In conclusion, I’ve done the muffin top wrong this week in response. If next week is like this week, my muffin top will have a muffin top. But the good news? I have a pulse, tomorrow is Friday, my pants still fit barely and I dug up one of my fave old posts. If it made grumpity to the umpity laugh today (that would be moi) I thought it might bring you some funnies. Later ‘toppers!

 

Who knew?

Muffintopmommy is a sexpot.

Stop squinting.

For the love of God, what don’t you get?

 S-E-X-P-O-T.

El potto de sexo.

Oh don’t you let the short hair, Lands’ End cardigans, and Tretorns fool you. I think it’s fairly obvious if you read between the lines on this blog, my intentions are clear . If you saw me at Tarjay with the 7 pack of Hanes Her Way grannie panties in my cart with the generic Tostitos, well, that’s my cover. See, I’m bringing sexy back.

TRETORNS. SING WITH ME NOW….DON’T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?

All along, I’ve been trolling for a three way. If you don’t believe me, just read the following email I received at my email addy, janet@muffintopmommy.com. (My comments are in CAPS.)

Hello,

My name is Mike Pervity Perv (Name changed in case his poor mom ever sees this blog!), I represent the adult dating sites SexDatePersonals.com and http://www.thehornymatches.com. WHOA DUDE, YOU REALLY ARE ALL ABOUT CUTTING TO THE CHASE JUST LIKE YOUR DATING SITE. TIME’S A WASTING! MATCH.COM AND EHARMONY? WHO HAS TIME TO FIND OUT IF SOMEONE LIKES PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN? BTW MIKE? I DO HAVE HALF A BRAIN. I’M A LEO. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS PINK. AND I LOVE THE SMELL OF FRESH CUT GRASS. I DON’T LIKE ROSES ON VALENTINE’S DAY. IT’S CALLED SMALL TALK. TRY IT.

We took a look at your site (http://muffintopmommy.com/) recently (YOU DID? EEEH…I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WASH MY BLOG IN BLEACH NOW…), and we are interested in a link exchange. (Editor’s note: Ok, first of all, Editor is me! Ahem, anyway, a link exchange is when you list other blogs you like to read on your blog…it’s called a blogroll. If you look on the right hand side of muffintopmommy under blogroll, you will see some funny ass blogs I love love to read. You should check them out…now! Ok, not now now, after you finish this post now!)

MIKIE THREE WAY (MAY I CALL YOU MIKIE THREE WAY? IT KINDA HAS A RING TO IT. KINDA MAKES YOU SOUND GANGSTA COOL WITH A SIDE OF DIRTY BIRD)….I NEED TO KNOW WHICH POST CONVINCED YOU MTM HAS ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH, “THE HORNY MATCHES”? THINK, THINK, THINK…OH! WAS IT THE ONE WHERE I BEG READERS TO TALK ME DOWN FROM THE LEDGE AFTER SWIMSUIT SHOPPING? OH! I KNOW….IT MUST BE THE ONE WHERE I COMPARE MY ARSE TO A GRIZZLY BEAR. WAIT. IT MUSTA BEEN THE HAWT PICTURE I POSTED OF MYSELF IN THAT SMOKING BUTTON DOWN  HOLDING THE BEER THE SIZE OF MY GIGUNDO HEAD ON VACA? MIKE, SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO KNOW FOR MARKET RESEARCH BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY HUSBAND JUST PEED HIMSELF LAUGHING. HE WON’T BE LAUGHING WHEN HE’S CRYING FOR A TWO WAY NEVER MIND A THREE WAY. OH YES WAY!

Our offer is actually quite interesting , a 3 way (ENOUGH WITH THE THREE WAYS! LET’S REVIEW: SMALL TALK. DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT? SHOULD I GET DR. RUTH ON THE HORN?) link as opposed to a reciprocal link. You link to http://www.thehornymatches.com and we link to you on SexDatePersonals.com. We offer the best type of link exchange. Also, SexDatePersonals.com has a very nice directory (A VERY NICE DIRECTORY? LEMME GUESS WHO’S ON THAT HIT LIST…. DAVID DUCHOVNY, TIGER WOODS, JESSE JAMES AND THAT RANDOM DUDE WHO WAS MARRIED TO HALLE BERRY ….YEAH…..NO. I’M ON TEAM ELIN.)  that we have been building so you are sure to find a category there for your site (DON’T BET THE PENTHOUSE IN VEGAS ON THAT, BOYFRIEND). If not, please just make your suggestion to us. (I SUGGEST YOU CALL YOUR MAMA RIGHT AFTER YOU SCRUB WITH CLOROX. ACK!)

Here is our link info: BLABBITY BLAH PERVITY PERV LINK BLAH BLAH.

Have a great week (YOU OFFER ME A THREE WAY AND THEN THE BEST CLOSE YOU CAN MUSTER IS THE UBER GENERIC…HAVE A GREAT WEEK??? FOR REAL? SEE. I COULD DEAL WITH YOU BEING A PERV. I MEAN, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR…UM, NEVER MIND. I’M JUST SAYING. FREE COUNTRY AND ALL THAT JAZZ. BUT YOU’RE NOT EVEN ORIGINAL. YOU’RE GIVING ME NOTHING TO WORK WITH HERE! I MEAN, AFTER YOU HAVE YOUR HOT THREESOMES DO YOU REALLY CHIRP, ”THAT WAS FUN GUYS! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! MEEP!”

DUDE, YOU’VE GOT NO GAME. NONE. AND THIS IS COMING FROM A MARRIED HAUSFRAU WITH A MUFFIN TOP.  I do hope that we can do business with you in the very near future. (ARE YOU PROPOSITIONING ME? DO BUSINESS WITH ME? I THINK I’LL SIGN OFF NOW BEFORE THE NH STATE POLICE SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND THROW ME IN THE CLINK FOR SOLICITING. OR THROW YOU IN THE CLINK FOR SOLICITING AND ME IN THE CLINK FOR BEING A….SOLICITEE….WHATEVER. EITHER WAY, STEP OFF MY BLOG, PERV. NOBODY BREAKS UP MY CURRENT THREESOME…THAT’S RIGHT….I HAVE THREESOMES ALL THE TIME…ALL THE TIME!!! ME, THE HUBS, AND THAT CLICKER HE CRADLES EVERY NIGHT. SO SUCK IT! TAKE YOUR THREE WAY STFU SAMMIE AND SCRAM BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY 3 IRON (THAT’S 3 IRON NOT 3 WOOD…. DAMN,  YOU REALLY ARE A DEPRAVED DOCTOR OF DEBAUCHERY!!)

Regards. (UM, NOT TO BE NITPICKY, BUT THAT SHOULD BE A COMMA, NOT A PERIOD AFTER ‘REGARDS’. BUT I IMAGINE YOU MIGHT HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS, SO, UM…HAVE A GREAT WEEK AND ENJOY YOUR STFU SAMMIE!)

Mike PERVITY PERV PERV

SEO Analyst (AND CHIEF PERV )
http://www.thehornymatches.com
sexdatepersonals.com

SAVOR THE SEASON? CHECK YO’SELF BJ’S–IT’S SUMMER!

12

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in STFU Friday, Uncategorized | Posted on 29-07-2010

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Muffintopmommy Disclaimer: A few of you who’ve seen this title have gotten, um, the wrong idea about what “BJ’s” is all about….(you dirty birdies, you!). BJ’s= BJ’s WHOLESALE Club…it’s like a Costco or Sam’s. I forgot BJ’s is not a nationwide chain, so I was causing quite the stir with my non-New England readers! C’mon, you might have known that’s not muffintopmommy’s schtick! So stop the presses–I’m still a hopeless nerdprudelosah!

Read on, muffintoppers!

xox,

MTM

****************************************************************************************

“Savor the season” beckons the cover of my new BJ’s Journal that arrived this week. In July. When it was 92 degrees in New Hampshire. The blazing sun bounced off my Caspar skin as I clutched my prize like a four year old with a lolly pop, wondering what budgetastic finds lay inside. Because you know I love me some warehouse shopping!

After schlopping through six months of winter, you bet your arse I’m savoring the season. Hats, mittens, ski pants, boots, runny noses be damned! Savoring. It’s what we’re all about here with our corn on the cob, lemonade, wt blow up pool/slide…..water ban and gigundo electric bills.

Savoring. Summer.

So I whip open my mag expecting to see glossy pics of some funtacular beach chairs or maybe a caprese salad recipe?  Some Italian ices? Riveting beach reads?

Annnnnd…..nothing.

Apples…. Page 1

Soups……Pages 3-5

School supplies. School supplies? ……Pages 8-9

What. What?

Apples + Soups + School Supplies = FALL.

YO, HOW 'BOUT THEM APPLES?

Fall, damnit!

Indignant, I flip back to the cover. “Lookey there.” I grit, for in the top right hand side, four teeny tiny block letters spell FALL. Sonofabitching bastards!

BJ’s….you’re dead to me.

How could you?  When we go so far back? Where’s the R-E-S-P-E-C-T? I vouched for you. On this very blog. Oh marone….you best check yoself, BJ’s. You need some schooling on your seasons. My four year old learned them in preschool this year. Whatisthematterwithyou?!?

Damn you, BJ’s, I haven’t even gone on my summer vacation yet. Remember? How much I’ve been living for it? Especially after the Wicked Witch of Cape Cod screwed up my original vacation plan?

When I fell on my arse on ice this winter, you know what got me through? Mental fortitude. I thought:

 1. Ahh, thank God for the junk in my trunk.

 2. I can do this. I’m a survivor. I can pick myself up from my bootstraps  Costco FUGGS, because I’m gonna be sitting racing around like a rabid animal on the beach in my bikini  Miracle Suit with a coldie warm juice box in only153 days!”

Yeah!

So, you will let me savor my summer. Every last week, day, minute, nanosecond of my grilled farm stand veggie, ocean breezey, Coppertone-y fun. It’s mah par-tay! Mah summah! So step OFF!

Look, I know it’s not just you.  Better Homes and Gardens? Yeah, you. I saw you, sneaking in the apple crisp recipe on page 150 of your August issue—that came in early July. Even my beloved Tarjay is taunting me, with its Crayola and lunch box ads. And  Kohl’s? I don’t need your stinking credit card and I don’t need no parka.

You all just need to stop rushing me.

Joie de vie? Stop and smell the hydrangeas? You follow? Fer crissakes, you’re like those insufferable parents who don’t let their kids be kids. Pushing them to do more and grow up too fast. Hold up, Jack! What’s the damn hurry? Let’s live today, today and worry about apple crisp in September after I’m sick of corn and tomatoes and fresh mozzarella and maybe wanna think about putting on a LL Bean knitted number to hide the muffo de toppo while I segue into hollering for the Pats and eating nachos. Okay?

And fall, please don’t take this all wrong because I love you too, I really do. You know that, right? I love the way you smell, the crisp air with maybe the hint of burning leaves at dusk. The way you sound….the crunchity crunch of leaves under my feet ensconced in toasty shoes. The way you look is an optical delight…your vibrant golds and burning reds. And do I have to say it again? You? Are the gateway to sweaters. *Swoon.*

YIKES, I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER BE READY FOR THIS SWEATER! BOOM BOOM POW!

But fall, it’s come to Jesus time, ‘kay? I’m just not ready for you yet. It’s not you. It’s me. I earned summer…with every nose I wiped, temperature I took under the glow of a nightlight, and snow boots I wrangled on a flailing boy. So I’m savoring it. WE ARE ALL GOING TO SAVOR THE FUN. SAVORTHEFUNSAVORTHEFUNSAVORTHEFUN! With dry noses and bare feet. Got it?

So… (I am not hysterical!) Here’s how it’s gonna go down, BJ’s. Imma gonna sit on the beach for week, tumble in the surf with my boys, crash my kite, clog my arteries with too much fried seafood and beer, whip some Scrabble ass on the hubs, and probably have the best sleeps I’ll have all year…..until then you just back the hell up and eat your STFU sammie. Might I suggest the half sammie/soup combo? I’ll even throw in apple crisp for dessert. You’ll just need to eat it at the beach, that’s all.

P.S. And don’t you dare be sending me a catalog with a holly wreath on it at Halloween. Just……NO!