KATHIE LEE, COME HAVE A DRINK WITH ME!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, MTM hits the road!, Uncategorized | Posted on 12-10-2014

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It’s not really stalking if you’re at an official event, right?

So goes the story. Kathie Lee Gifford has a new line of wines out (in conjunction with a winery in Monterey) called, Gifft. I wanted to picture her stomping grapes like I Love Lucy but alas, no.

IT'S A GIFFT. NOT A GIFT. IT'S $15 U.S. SMACKERS. AUTOGRAPH, FREE!

IT’S A GIFFT. NOT A GIFT. IT’S $15 U.S. SMACKERS. AUTOGRAPH, FREE!

 

The wine comes in two varieties, Chardonnay and Red Blend. (Red Blend? Ooh, it’s a mystery!) KLG visited a market down the street from my house to promote her new vino yesterday. Kathie Lee, wine, the chance to pimp my book to a woman who relishes cocktailing at 11 AM? How could I NOT? Some people dream of playing major league baseball or finding a cure for cancer. I just wanna sip some chard with KLG and Hoda.

Stop. It’s not nice to judge.

 

STALKING IS LIKE 199 TIMES MORE FUN WHEN YOU RANDOMLY BUMP INTO A FUN FRIEND ON YOUR RECON MISSION!

STALKING IS LIKE 199 TIMES MORE FUN WHEN YOU RANDOMLY BUMP INTO A FUN FRIEND ON YOUR RECON MISSION!

I came, I saw, we faux hugged, I gave her a copy of my book, Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail for Every Calamity. Which, for all I know, later hit the circular file at the market though she did graciously accept it!

JUST HANGING BY THE BREAD AISLE WITH KLG. NO BIG.

JUST HANGING BY THE BREAD AISLE WITH KLG. NO BIG.

Tick, tock. Not sure why my people I haven’t heard from her people yet? It’s been almost 24 hours! Don’t KLG and Hoda know how much fun sipping cocktails with me could be!? For the love of God, I’m a professional! And, I’m even willing to even endure the mental anguish of seeing my muffin top x an extra ten lbs!

Until then, I’ll be enjoying the GIFFT at home. In my polka dot jammies. I knew you’d be wondering if this stuff was any good, so as a public service to you my bestest readers, I twisted open the chard to test it! The hubs and I found it to be quite light and refreshing. And as you know, we are quite the wine afficionados. (NO.)

I KNOW. I LIKE BIG BEERS AND I CANNOT LIE.

I KNOW. I LIKE BIG BEERS AND I CANNOT LIE.

 

But hey, we like what we like and there is no shame in that! Sometimes I find chards to be kind of heavy and this was not–I truly enjoyed it. And clearly, this is not a sponsored post. I stalked it out and paid cash money for the vino!

My only complaint with this wine is it’s a twist off. I’m not implying that makes it inferior as I know there has been much debate about this in the wine world—it’s only because I like to save my corks to make fun crafts at Christmas. Geek alert. But, otoh, yay for twist off if you’re travelling and don’t want to deal with toting a wine opener. Nuttin’ worse than finding yourself in a square hotel room in East Bumblebee staring helplessly at a bottle with no opener, am I right? (Now who’s a dummy for travelling with beer in a can???) I picked the red up for a friend so I’ll have to let you know what she thinks! Red + Muffintopmommy = fetal position! No bueno. Until then, for the good of my Christmas list, I’ll keep pressing on with mah corks……salud!

 

THE CORKS ALMOST RUNNETH OVER!

THE CORKS ALMOST RUNNETH OVER!

 

 

 

 

 

STFU SAMMIE FRIDAY…SNARKITY, SNARK, SNARK. SNARK. SNARK!!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in STFU Friday | Posted on 17-06-2010

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YO! Respect the top! NO means NO!!!!!

 

**Yo, attention my muffity muffintoppers….snarkity, snark, snark…this has been one HA-ELL of a week. I’ve been under the weather–still fighting to get my voice back. Can you even imagine how all kinds of crazy I am gasping to speak? I have to say, someone, somewhere is trying to shove a big ass super sizes STFU sammie down MY throat. Point is, I’ve got nothin’. Yeah, that’s right, nothin’ .(‘Cept my Robitussin with Codeine…wheeee! Good night!) Nothin’ left to give, nothin’ left to say….it’s been a WEEK! (Not to mention, I am using all available remaining energy to screech like a Marlboro red smoker at the tv for the Celtics game! Kobeyousonnofahhhbittchh!!!) As such, and because I have a lot of fun new readers (Hoo-ray!), I am re-running my first ever STFU Friday sammie post. With….the sincere and fervent reminder, that I am SO ready, willing, and waiting on the edge of my seat to hear YOUR STFU tales, should you wish to share on this very blog. Bring it, muffintoppers!  

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Have you ever witnessed someone behaving SO badly, you just want to get all up in their grill and blast, “STFU!”

Me too.

When someone is just a wrongity mess of wrongness, it’s so tempting to open up a can of STFU on their ass. Problem is, if you’re like me, you might have children with you. It’s generally bad form to yell and/or swear in front of little kids. Fine. Or at all. It can be SOOOO tough to bite your (and by your, I mean my) tongue, so it’s usually a better idea to take the high road and walk away than make a spectacle of yourself and further engage with a nitwit, right? There are too many people who walk among us who are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. There are yahoos who, at this very moment, are a half step away from getting their assault and battery on. (Oh, I watch the news.) You don’t know WHAT someone might be capable of. Ever hear that saying, “Don’t poke a tiger with a stick?” Em, yeah. In a world where thirtysomething hausfraus risk certain death by surburban stampede for 60% off Cuisinart on Black Fridays at dawn, none of us are safe.

So what’s a nice girl (or guy) to do to unleash her frustrations? When you play the good girl and you get burned, where is your recourse? Where can you exact revenge, air your grievances, get your snark on without fear of reprisal/beatdown/untimely death? 

Introducing…… STFU Friday!

Every Friday, I will post a short rant about who I think deserves the STFU Sammie Award for the week. (Yes, I’m ser-i-ous. What about this sounds like I’m kidding? Are you in or not? Don’t be getting all goody two shoes on me–I’m a nice girl. I am! This is a last resort. Think of it as a public service!) You want in? I’m deee-lighted to take nominations from you, my petulant partners in pouting, my awesome accomplices and abettors, every week at janet@muffintopmommy.com. Admit it. You know you want to join in on the fun. Because being right never felt so wrong! I mean, right. I mean, um, right in a wrong, naughty way. I mean naughty in a I’manerdthisisasbadasIget kinda way not an adult naughty kinda way. THIS BLOG IS PG-13. OMG.

Just….stfu muffintopmommy! Let’s do this thing!

************************************************************************************************

The sales clerk at Kohl’s is disarming.

She’s straight out of central casting with her ashy bob, big old glasses with the stringy things dangling, hip length cardigan over Little House on the Prairie skirt, turtleneck—the whole shebang screams quilting bee or grandma, circa 1984.

So when she participates in the light banter, “Hi, how are you, yada, yada, nice day, blabbity blah…” BAM! You don’t even see it coming.

“Do you have a Kohl’s charge, dear?’

Oh crikey, here we go. They ALL do it. Sears, Kohl’s, even my beloved Tarjay. You know the drill. They try to get you to open up one of their credit cards.

I’ve worked my fair share of retail jobs in the past and the masses are ASSES so I’m always polite. I know the boss man is making them tow the line on the ccard spiel and for a minute, I feel badly grandma is having to pitch the plastic.

“No, no I don’t.” (Sighs inside.)

“Well, GREAT NEWS!!! If you open one up TO-DAY you can save 10% on your order!” Whoa! That was some burst of energy, grandma. She must be spiking her Earl Grey with Red Bull. Damn.

“No, I don’t think so, thank you anyway.”

“Are you SURE? Don’t you want to save 10% TODAY!? You’d be missing out on a great opportunity!” Whoa. She’s borderline cell phone mall kiosk right now. I start to shuffle in place a little.

“I’d love to save 10% today, or, let’s see, roughly $4.55, but I know ultimately I’ll spend more if I open the card.” Yo, I’m no MIT grad, but I know 22 bazillion percent interest wipes out $4.50 pretty damn fast.

“Well, if you open one TODAY, you will get more opportunities to save throughout the year in the form of coupon mailers!” Scratch mall kiosk. She’s got Xerox copy salesperson written all over her. Quilting bee my ass. Granny’s a ringer.

“That sounds wonderful, but I don’t think so. I know I’ll forget the coupon, sit on the coupon, someone will crayon on the coupon, wipe their nose with the coupon, and I’ll never use the coupon. Meanwhile, I’ll be paying 22 bazillion percent interest on my $45 dollar–no sorry, with my 10% off, $40 purchase. And that, to me, is some fuzzy ass math!”  I just said ASS to grandma. Hold the phone. This is getting oogly.

Now it’s on. I’m trying to be polite because I’m all “respect your elders”, but I JUST wanna get my Sonoma on and go. When will she stop? When? NO MEANS NO! Context clues, grandmother. My body language is screaming ants in my pants. Meanwhile, my moments of glorious freedom sans kids are slipping away as I’m engaged in verbal tug of war. She must be into the Bingo hall for some serious cabbage because I see no clear escape route.

Momentarily, I consider screaming, “Uncle!” and signing up for the stinking credit card. I’m starting to feel like I’m on Dateline. I can hear Chris Hansen’s melodic voice, as the camera pans over a vile third world prison, telling the sad tale of the asshat American tourist who does something stunningly stupid in a foreign land, and under duress after hours of intense questioning by unscrupulous foreign authorities, signs something that says he committed atrocities. Or in this case, a high interest rate store credit card application.

But wait! Then I remember the frosted hair and the big, toothy grin and the finger wag. Suze Orman! On the Today Show last week! She said NOT to EVER open one of these because it will lower my FICO score and what if I want to get a new mortgage or open a small business this month!?

“NO! Ma’am, I’m sorry, but no. And I’ve really got to be going. I have a meeting with my parole officer!” Yeah! The kid is back!

“Well, all-righty then, I just wanted to help save you some money today, ma’am.” Like hell corporate shill. I bet you work for Amway on the side!

And Ma’am. The final straw. The old bat called ME ma’am.

So Betty, Mildred, Bea, whatever your alias is, YOU get the first ever, STFU Sammie award!! Respect the top. NO MEANS NO!