MUFFIN TOP ROUND UP: A SCHNIZTASTIC WEEK IN REVIEW!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 29-11-2012

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So, first things first.

I didn’t win the lottery.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER!

 

THIEVING GOVERNMENT HACK DOUCHECANOES!

So it was back to reality.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW...AHH, EFF IT. I'M NEVER GETTING THAT HOT TUB, AM I?

My hubs banged up his knee and is on crutches. That was timely since 5 year old is in his second above the elbow cast still. Hey, I know! Every time someone falls in my house and screams, “Owww!”, drink!

AWESOME! YOU AND 5 YEAR OLD CAN HAVE DADDY AND ME APPOINTMENTS WITH THE ORTHO DOC WHILE I GIVE ALL OUR HOT TUB FORTUNE TO THE STANKING HOSPITAL! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-HA!

MOTHERFLUFFIN’ GIMPTASTIC!

Did my last picture caption sound a bit snarky? I didn’t mean it to be much. Hubs’ knee has been bugging him for a while. It buckled T-giving night while he was doing dishes, after cooking all day. (Totally true. Boy knows how to throw a shindig.) The next day he limped off to his 198? (not my biz to tell he’s MUCH older) reunion, where a little bird on Facebook (rhymes with “Shinda”)told me he was a “dancing fool” and quite limber (no comment). He came home looking like this:

YOU ARE RIGHT NOW WONDERING HOW A GAL LIKE ME GOT SO LUCKY, AREN'T YOU? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. HE'S A LOTTERY WINNER. KIDDING!

 

Hey hubs, Belushi called and he wants his schtick back!

THESE AREN'T EVEN THE SHOES I DRESSED HIM IN FOR THE REUNION. AND WHERE IS HIS OTHER SOCK? I TOLD YOU I LIVE IN A FRAT HOUSE. FINALLY, I HAVE PROOF!

Meanwhile, at band camp, he winds up whimpering about his knee later that night, and the next AM hits the ER for the aforementioned gimptastic brace. Sing with me now, “SOLID GOLD!”

I can’t prove it, but context clues, y’all. And had the nerve to come home glowing, “The nurse was soooo nice. Hee hee hee. She asked me if I work out.” After being on solo parent ass wiping duty for the duration of the 18 hour Solid Gold reunion and listening to his howls of pain for 24 hours, I decided it was only fitting to kick him in the good knee.

Then I find out, grocery stores are hawking faux Twinkies. Golden Creme Cakes? WHO is doing your marketing, fools? Market Basket, shame on you! Stick to what you know—selling questionable produce to people who need need dental work/a bath/possibly an interpreter (I dunno….I just assume after I’ve shouted “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM!” 5 times in the crowded aisle and you don’t move your ass/cart/death scooter you don’t speak English. Or maybe you’re just a Sir. Oops. (I might have grocery store rage.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LOW BROW TWINKERTUNISTIC SNACKSTERS!

To add to the fun, “Alfred”, our little rat bastard Christmas elf, is back.

THE KIDS HAVE BEEN GETTING UP AT 5 freakingfracking A.M. TO TRY TO FIND THIS EVIL LITTLE PUNK. SO I TRIED TO DROWN HIM IN MY BEER. DUDE LIVED TO TELL. FREAK!

ELFINSHAZAMALAMSHALOM, WHY CAN’T I BE JEWISH?!

And sadly, my muffin top has reached epic heights widths and I’ve resorted to outlandish behavior huffing on the treadmill.

HEY, WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO PUT PAVLOV'S TREADMILL FACING THE BEER SIGN? OH WAIT..... UMMMMM.

WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A SKIN-NAY, SOBER MORMON?!

 

I’m not going off the deep end. People, wake up! It’s ARMAGEDDON. Clearly!

I’m trying to bright side all this shiz, even as the full moon rages, and I swear if you even look at me wrong today I’ll go all me-owwwww on you.

But listen peeps, the sun will come out tomorrow. So stay gold! Solid Gold, that is.

And one more thing if I haven’t sufficiently stalked you on Facebook, I’m in a contest on Circle of Moms called Top 25 Author Moms and I would surely appreciate your vote. Graci-ass! (You can vote once per day until Dec. 7th!) MTM can’t buy publicity like that and hey, maybe if I hawk some books I can buy Belushi a new knee! OH YEAH! (Thanks for nothing, Powerball!!!) To vote, all you have to do is click on the “Circle of Moms” badge near the top right of my blog, underneath my book. It very subtley says, “Please rock mah vote.” *shameless self promotion *mama would not be proud *runs and hides under Belushi’s brace

Or you can click here!