DOROTHY, WE ARE A LONG WAY FROM HOME!

I interrupt this program ‘cuz I gotta tell you, this has been A WEEK. Because I truly dig my faithful MTM readers, I shall spare you the deets. (Do ya really wanna know anyway?) 4 out of 5 random muffintoppers polled agree: somethin’ in the air stanks this week! (And the 5th one was stumblin’ drunk and just didn’t care!) In conclusion, I’ve done the muffin top wrong this week in response. If next week is like this week, my muffin top will have a muffin top. But the good news? I have a pulse, tomorrow is Friday, my pants still fit barely and I dug up one of my fave old posts. If it made grumpity to the umpity laugh today (that would be moi) I thought it might bring you some funnies. Later ‘toppers!

Who knew?

Muffintopmommy is a sexpot.

Stop squinting.

For the love of God, what don’t you get?

 S-E-X-P-O-T.

El potto de sexo.

Oh don’t you let the short hair, Lands’ End cardigans, and Tretorns fool you. I think it’s fairly obvious if you read between the lines on this blog, my intentions are clear . If you saw me at Tarjay with the 7 pack of Hanes Her Way grannie panties in my cart with the generic Tostitos, well, that’s my cover. See, I’m bringing sexy back.

All along, I’ve been trolling for a three way. If you don’t believe me, just read the following email I received at my email addy, janet@muffintopmommy.com. (My comments are in CAPS.)

Hello,

My name is Mike Pervity Perv (Name changed in case his poor mom ever sees this blog!), I represent the adult dating sites SexDatePersonals.com and http://www.thehornymatches.com. WHOA DUDE, YOU REALLY ARE ALL ABOUT CUTTING TO THE CHASE JUST LIKE YOUR DATING SITE. TIME’S A WASTING! MATCH.COM AND EHARMONY? WHO HAS TIME TO FIND OUT IF SOMEONE LIKES PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN? BTW MIKE? I DO HAVE HALF A BRAIN. I’M A LEO. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS PINK. AND I LOVE THE SMELL OF FRESH CUT GRASS. I DON’T LIKE ROSES ON VALENTINE’S DAY. IT’S CALLED SMALL TALK. TRY IT.

We took a look at your site (http://muffintopmommy.com/) recently (YOU DID? EEEH…I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WASH MY BLOG IN BLEACH NOW…), and we are interested in a link exchange. (Editor’s note: Ok, first of all, Editor is me! Ahem, anyway, a link exchange is when you list other blogs you like to read on your blog…it’s called a blogroll. If you look on the right hand side of muffintopmommy under blogroll, you will see some funny ass blogs I love love to read. You should check them out…now! Ok, not now now, after you finish this post now!)

MIKIE THREE WAY (MAY I CALL YOU MIKIE THREE WAY? IT KINDA HAS A RING TO IT. KINDA MAKES YOU SOUND GANGSTA COOL WITH A SIDE OF DIRTY BIRD)….I NEED TO KNOW WHICH POST CONVINCED YOU MTM HAS ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH, “THE HORNY MATCHES”? THINK, THINK, THINK…OH! WAS IT THE ONE WHERE I BEG READERS TO TALK ME DOWN FROM THE LEDGE AFTER SWIMSUIT SHOPPING? OH! I KNOW….IT MUST BE THE ONE WHERE I COMPARE MY ARSE TO A GRIZZLY BEAR. WAIT. IT MUSTA BEEN THE HAWT PICTURE I POSTED OF MYSELF IN THAT SMOKING BUTTON DOWN  HOLDING THE BEER THE SIZE OF MY GIGUNDO HEAD ON VACA? MIKE, SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO KNOW FOR MARKET RESEARCH BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY HUSBAND JUST PEED HIMSELF LAUGHING. HE WON’T BE LAUGHING WHEN HE’S CRYING FOR A TWO WAY NEVER MIND A THREE WAY. OH YES WAY!

Our offer is actually quite interesting , a 3 way (ENOUGH WITH THE THREE WAYS! LET’S REVIEW: SMALL TALK. DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT? SHOULD I GET DR. RUTH ON THE HORN?) link as opposed to a reciprocal link. You link to http://www.thehornymatches.com and we link to you on SexDatePersonals.com. We offer the best type of link exchange. Also, SexDatePersonals.com has a very nice directory (A VERY NICE DIRECTORY? LEMME GUESS WHO’S ON THAT HIT LIST…. DAVID DUCHOVNY, TIGER WOODS, JESSE JAMES AND THAT RANDOM DUDE WHO WAS MARRIED TO HALLE BERRY ….YEAH…..NO. I’M ON TEAM ELIN.)  that we have been building so you are sure to find a category there for your site (DON’T BET THE PENTHOUSE IN VEGAS ON THAT, BOYFRIEND). If not, please just make your suggestion to us. (I SUGGEST YOU CALL YOUR MAMA RIGHT AFTER YOU SCRUB WITH CLOROX. ACK!)

Here is our link info: BLABBITY BLAH PERVITY PERV LINK BLAH BLAH.

Have a great week (YOU OFFER ME A THREE WAY AND THEN THE BEST CLOSE YOU CAN MUSTER IS THE UBER GENERIC…HAVE A GREAT WEEK??? FOR REAL? SEE. I COULD DEAL WITH YOU BEING A PERV. I MEAN, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR…UM, NEVER MIND. I’M JUST SAYING. FREE COUNTRY AND ALL THAT JAZZ. BUT YOU’RE NOT EVEN ORIGINAL. YOU’RE GIVING ME NOTHING TO WORK WITH HERE! I MEAN, AFTER YOU HAVE YOUR HOT THREESOMES DO YOU REALLY CHIRP, ”THAT WAS FUN GUYS! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! MEEP!”

DUDE, YOU’VE GOT NO GAME. NONE. AND THIS IS COMING FROM A MARRIED HAUSFRAU WITH A MUFFIN TOP.  I do hope that we can do business with you in the very near future. (ARE YOU PROPOSITIONING ME? DO BUSINESS WITH ME? I THINK I’LL SIGN OFF NOW BEFORE THE NH STATE POLICE SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND THROW ME IN THE CLINK FOR SOLICITING. OR THROW YOU IN THE CLINK FOR SOLICITING AND ME IN THE CLINK FOR BEING A….SOLICITEE….WHATEVER. EITHER WAY, STEP OFF MY BLOG, PERV. NOBODY BREAKS UP MY CURRENT THREESOME…THAT’S RIGHT….I HAVE THREESOMES ALL THE TIME…ALL THE TIME!!! ME, THE HUBS, AND THAT CLICKER HE CRADLES EVERY NIGHT. SO SUCK IT! TAKE YOUR THREE WAY STFU SAMMIE AND SCRAM BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY 3 IRON (THAT’S 3 IRON NOT 3 WOOD…. DAMN,  YOU REALLY ARE A DEPRAVED DOCTOR OF DEBAUCHERY!!)

Regards. (UM, NOT TO BE NITPICKY, BUT THAT SHOULD BE A COMMA, NOT A PERIOD AFTER ‘REGARDS’. BUT I IMAGINE YOU MIGHT HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS, SO, UM…HAVE A GREAT WEEK AND ENJOY YOUR STFU SAMMIE!)

Mike PERVITY PERV PERV

SEO Analyst (AND CHIEF PERV )
http://www.thehornymatches.com
sexdatepersonals.com

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting my blog, there are some real sickos charmers out there. Oh, I have proof and I’m not afraid to out them. I get cursory stats on how many peeps visit my blog, and some basic information about how they arrive to hear the word of the muffin top….for example, it tells me if someone clicks on my blog from twitter, Facebook, Boston.com, a referral from another (FUNTASTIC!) blog (Check out my blog roll!) or through a subscription to muffintopmommy, etc.

But the most fun I have on the stats page? Hands down, reading the “Google search terms” column. This is a list of words or phrases that people Google to find my blog. Sometimes it’s simply some variation of the sorta-kinda made up word, muffintopmommy, or parts of a title of an old post. Sometimes it’s evident these innocents probably didn’t intend to wind up on my blog. But ha ha! Accidental readers,  sickos charmers, welcome—one and all. We heart new readers and commenters, we really do.

I decided if the blog is generating some funnies by accident, wouldn’t it be wrong to keep it to myself? So here’s a list of my top ten fave Google search terms. (Oh hell yeah, there’s way more than 10! This was the toughest editing I’ve done in a while.) Listen Letterman, two can play at this game, Homie! I’m not intimidated by your fancy double breasted suits, two tone shoes,  and team of talented writers. (Bill Scheft, holla!)

Top 10 Best Google Searches for Muffintopmommy:

10. My boyfriend likes to pinch my muffin top. (But can he pinch an inch? If not, hit the bricks. I’m not down with that.)

9. dirty frat house (I beg your pardon? I know I said I pretty much *live* in a frat house, and while it may not be up to Martha’s prison standards, I do demand some degree of cleanliness. Just because I named my dust bunnies, you don’t have to be that way!)

I ONLY WISH MY HOUSE WERE THIS LOVELY!

8. Real Housewives of New Jersey coke whoahh (All I did was quote Caroline Manzo in my Boston soda post, and they think I’ve got the goods on Dirty D? And whoahh as the phonetic spelling of whore….you gotta go back to the drawing board on that one, people.)

7. Old school Tretorns, dirty Tretorns, 80′s Tretorns..I get a lotta Tretorn hits! (Hellz yeah! Kicking it old school. My Izod Cardigan is in the mail, yo.)

6. Jillian Michaels muffin top (Good one. This post really got people fired up. And me looking over my shoulder. Don’t hurt me, Jillian! ~Runs and hides under the bed…~)

5. I wanna tinkle (Get in line. But you came to the right place if you wanna bitch about having an audience!)

4. drunk lady (I beg your pardon?)

3. drunk bear (‘SCUSE ME! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAR? DRUNK? MAYBE. BEAR? SCREW YOU!)

2. pissed off women blogs (Now that just makes no sense. Pissed off? Moi? You wanna start? Huh? You wan’ an STFU sammie?)

1. And last? Show your muffin top. (That would really be a poor idea. Nowhere on this blog have I ever advocated for this. Why chance scarring the children for life?  The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against. Word. )

*Bonus round: muffin top porn. Yes, I said it. Muffin top porn. MUFFINTOPPORN! No, really. What is wrong with people?

 **Bonus, bonus round: Smut magazine. Yes, I do reference smut mags from time to time. But something tells me my version of a smut mag is different than some internet troll’s version!

Thanks to you all for searching, reading, and commenting. None of this would be any fun without you. And that’s a fact!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting my blog, there are some real sickos charmers out there. Oh, I have proof and I’m not afraid to out them. I get stats on how many peeps visit my blog, and some cursory information about how they arrive to hear the word of the muffin top….for example, it tells me if someone clicks on my blog from twitter, Facebook, Boston.com, a referral from another (FUNTASTIC!) blog (Check out my blog roll!) or through a subscription to muffintopmommy, etc.

But the most fun I have on the stats page? Hands down, reading the “Google search terms” column. This is a list of words or phrases that people Google to find my blog. Sometimes it’s simply some variation of the sorta-kinda made up word, muffintopmommy, or parts of a title of an old post. Sometimes it’s evident these innocents probably didn’t intend to wind up on my blog. But ha ha! Accidental readers,  sickos charmers, welcome—one and all. We heart new readers and commenters, we really do.

I decided if the blog is generating some funnies by accident, wouldn’t it be wrong to keep it to myself? So here’s a list of my top ten fave Google search terms. (Oh hell yeah, there’s way more than 10! This was the toughest editing I’ve done in a while.) Listen Letterman, two can play at this game, Homie! I’m not intimidated by your fancy double breasted suits, two tone shoes,  and team of talented writers. (Bill Scheft, holla!)

Top 10 Best Google Searches for Muffintopmommy:

10. My boyfriend likes to pinch my muffin top. (But can he pinch an inch? If not, hit the bricks. I’m not down with that.)

9. dirty frat house (I beg your pardon? I know I said I pretty much *live* in a frat house, and while it may not be up to Martha’s prison standards, I do demand some degree of cleanliness. Just because I named my dust bunnies, you don’t have to be that way!)

I mean really, I wish my house were this lovely!

8. Real Housewives of New Jersey coke whoahh (All I did was quote Caroline Manzo in my Boston soda post, and they think I’ve got the goods on Dirty D? And whoahh as the phonetic spelling of whore….you gotta go back to the drawing board on that one, people.)

Is THIS by chance to whom you refer in your Google search? Just a guess!

7. Old school Tretorns, dirty Tretorns, 80′s Tretorns..I get a lotta Tretorn hits! (Hellz yeah! Kicking it old school. My Izod Cardigan is in the mail, yo.)

Admit it. This is a safe place. How much do you want a pair????

6. Jillian Michaels muffin top (Good one. This post really got people fired up. And me looking over my shoulder. Don’t hurt me, Jillian! ~Runs and hides under the bed…~)

5. I wanna tinkle (Get in line. But you came to the right place if you wanna bitch about having an audience!)

4. drunk lady (I beg your pardon?)

Fine, fine. I've been known to imbibe once in a Brew Moon.

3. drunk bear (‘SCUSE ME! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAR? DRUNK? MAYBE. BEAR? SCREW YOU!)

SORRY! That does not look like me! (Wait. My arse isn't that big, is it?)

2. pissed off women blogs (Now that just makes no sense. Pissed off? Moi? You wanna start? Huh? You wan’ an STFU sammie?)

1. And last? Show your muffin top. (That would really be a poor idea. Nowhere on this blog have I ever advocated for this. Why chance scarring the children for life?  The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against. Word. )

*Bonus round: muffin top porn. Yes, I said it. Muffin top porn. MUFFINTOPPORN! No, really. What is wrong with people?

Thanks to you all for searching, reading, and commenting. None of this would be any fun without you. And that’s a fact!

Dreams do come true! They do. And I’m living proof. Something really big happened last week. No, huge. 

My Lands End catalog came. No, that’s not the huge…stick with me! 

I like some good Lands End garb as much as the next suburban hausfrau, but I stood in my kitchen, preparing to be underwhelmed by my typical fleece and khaki wardrobe staples. (Let’s be honest, Lands End is the steady, not the flash.) So I flipped through it, simultaneously admiring and scoffing at the carefree faces of the catalog peeps. (Please refer to a post from last week, “I want to live in a catalog. Wanna come with?)  So, my blasé tude rendered me totally unprepared for the awesomeness that waited inside. 

Lands End, I will never take you for granted again. 

Wait for it……Tretorns! 

Yes, Tretorns! 

Holy mother of cool, old school kicks. Tretorns! 

Just let it sink in a minute. 

If you’re a woman who came of age in the 70’s and/or 80’s you know just what I’m talking about whether you loved them or not. Tretorns from my girlhood are ba-ack. Dude! I NEED them ahora! Is this just my 80’s shoe geek busting out? My repressed inner pink and green prep screaming to be heard? Lands End might have unleashsed a firestorm of repressed 80′s fashion memories. 

My world has been turned upside down. Right side out! Wrong side in! Old is new! New is old! 

What? It is THAT exciting. And if you disagree you don’t know from exciting! 

So, confession time. To put this in perspective on the outside chance you don’t share in my shoe crazy, I’ve had a shoe problem since the third grade. This is when I beat my mother down (not literally…hello!) into buying me some Nike Cortez sneaks. Do you remember them? Oh, they were the bomb! They were white leather with the red swoosh and kind of a semi pointed toe. I can still hear the woman, “I can’t believe I am buying you $33 shoes right now!” 

Totally worth $33! In today's dollars maybe....

Frankly, I can’t believe it either. $33 was a lot of money then. (Back in the stone ages…. I mean, the early 80’s.) I don’t pay much more for my sneaks NOW—sometimes even less. All I can remember is her muttering that I would one day be destined for a career in sales (who knew?) because she was buying them for me and didn’t even know why. Oh! And that I better not tell my father! (If my father ever reads this… mum, I’m so sorry I busted your cover. We had a good run though, didn’t we? And no, I really don’t know who hit the garage. Seriously.) 

After the Cortez came the Tretorns. And after the Tretorns? The Adidas Gazelles— sophomore year in high school. Rumor had it you could only legally buy them in Canada (High school urban legend?). Eh, that made them all the more alluring though. My friend and I couldn’t drive so we ended up taking the commuter train into Boston after school and then the “T” to South Boston aka Southie (If you’re not from Boston, three words… Good Will Hunting.) to score our green contraband. My mother was rather unmoved by my rabid shoe needs by then, and I know I bought them with my own money I made schlepping clothes at Frugal Fannies Fashion Warehouse. The floors were concrete….I needed good footwear to pound that minimum wage pavement! 

I would totally still wear these!

And no, they were not the last green shoes I’ve had. I have, in my closet right now, a pair of green old school Sauconys that I bust out on St. Patty’s Day. And, other days when I just feel like going green. (Kermit was right—it ain’t easy being green—I’ve suffered some slings and arrows over my kicks! Bring it! I apologize to no one for my rainbow coalition of old school footwear!) Converse Chuck Taylors? I have me summa them. And retro New Balance? Yes, please! 

It’s safe to say, next to my family, I live for shoes. It’s the little things—life is too damn short to not embrace footwear fun. And I never pay full retail.  Don’t you wanna know how I scored some Tretorns for $16.50? (6pm.com. HOLLA! I’m all about sharing the intel but if you buy up all the size 8′s I’m coming for you! !) I knowwww…was that a little McMeanie to find out about them from Lands End and then go carousing elsewhere? Um, $38.50 in my pocket says, ha-ell no!!! 

The shoe fetish is hard to shake—but of all my best shoe memories, Tretorns were my longest running fave. And why I feel compelled to share the love. Now, I usually like to write my own stuff, but I’m not so much into the lovey dovey stuff, and couldn’t articulate it any better than Peaches & Herb…so sing with me now.(Um, maybe in private. You at work? Just hum along, lest someone misunderstand. That’s how rumors get started you know!) 

“Reunited and it feels so good.
Reunited ’cause we understood.
There’s one perfect fit,
And, sugar, this one is it.
We both are so excited 
‘Cause we’re reunited, hey, hey..” 

Peaches & Herb must have been clairvoyant to produce this hit right when Tretorns came into favor. Coincidence? You decide. Did they sense that a random girl would one day rediscover one of her first shoe loves? This song has depth. It has meaning. It speaks to me.  

No, I do not hear voices in my head, why do you ask? 

But Tretorns, my love, um…this is awkward, but I have to wonder, where have you been the past two decades? 

Okay, no, no. I’m not going to go there. The past doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been. It only matters that YOU CAME BACK! You came back for me! I don’t need to know the details of who you’ve been with or why. Bygones! 

When something so fantabulous happens, you want to sing from the rooftops, right? Well, I’m sort of afraid of heights, and honestly, we’re in the midst of a really crazy cold snap, so yeah, no. I did what any other modern day, fraidy cat, clutzy, cold hating whinybag would do…and I went on Facebook (where else?) to sing it, and to find out if others shared my undying decades long Tretorn devotion. I put out an APB on the muffintopmommy page on Facebook and hell yeah, there’s plenty of Tretorn love to go around. I knew this blog had fun readers who would totally get it! 

But wow, my question opened a Pandora’s box of 80’s pride. (And in a few cases, loathing. I cannot explain that which I do not understand. I am sad for the few Tretorn haters. I really am. They know not what they do. Some of them are my very best friends and I hold out hope they will see the light. It’s not too late!) So I have to ask…..do you share the love or don’t you? And don’t worry…this poll is totally and 100% anonymous (I think. I just figured out how to make one like thirty seconds ago, so you know, it also might not be. So watch your back just in case. I’m just sayin….this could get heated).