MUFFIN TOP ROUND UP: A SCHNIZTASTIC WEEK IN REVIEW!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Uncategorized | Posted on 29-11-2012

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So, first things first.

I didn’t win the lottery.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER!

 

THIEVING GOVERNMENT HACK DOUCHECANOES!

So it was back to reality.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. FOLLOW...AHH, EFF IT. I'M NEVER GETTING THAT HOT TUB, AM I?

My hubs banged up his knee and is on crutches. That was timely since 5 year old is in his second above the elbow cast still. Hey, I know! Every time someone falls in my house and screams, “Owww!”, drink!

AWESOME! YOU AND 5 YEAR OLD CAN HAVE DADDY AND ME APPOINTMENTS WITH THE ORTHO DOC WHILE I GIVE ALL OUR HOT TUB FORTUNE TO THE STANKING HOSPITAL! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-HA!

MOTHERFLUFFIN’ GIMPTASTIC!

Did my last picture caption sound a bit snarky? I didn’t mean it to be much. Hubs’ knee has been bugging him for a while. It buckled T-giving night while he was doing dishes, after cooking all day. (Totally true. Boy knows how to throw a shindig.) The next day he limped off to his 198? (not my biz to tell he’s MUCH older) reunion, where a little bird on Facebook (rhymes with “Shinda”)told me he was a “dancing fool” and quite limber (no comment). He came home looking like this:

YOU ARE RIGHT NOW WONDERING HOW A GAL LIKE ME GOT SO LUCKY, AREN'T YOU? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. HE'S A LOTTERY WINNER. KIDDING!

 

Hey hubs, Belushi called and he wants his schtick back!

THESE AREN'T EVEN THE SHOES I DRESSED HIM IN FOR THE REUNION. AND WHERE IS HIS OTHER SOCK? I TOLD YOU I LIVE IN A FRAT HOUSE. FINALLY, I HAVE PROOF!

Meanwhile, at band camp, he winds up whimpering about his knee later that night, and the next AM hits the ER for the aforementioned gimptastic brace. Sing with me now, “SOLID GOLD!”

I can’t prove it, but context clues, y’all. And had the nerve to come home glowing, “The nurse was soooo nice. Hee hee hee. She asked me if I work out.” After being on solo parent ass wiping duty for the duration of the 18 hour Solid Gold reunion and listening to his howls of pain for 24 hours, I decided it was only fitting to kick him in the good knee.

Then I find out, grocery stores are hawking faux Twinkies. Golden Creme Cakes? WHO is doing your marketing, fools? Market Basket, shame on you! Stick to what you know—selling questionable produce to people who need need dental work/a bath/possibly an interpreter (I dunno….I just assume after I’ve shouted “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM!” 5 times in the crowded aisle and you don’t move your ass/cart/death scooter you don’t speak English. Or maybe you’re just a Sir. Oops. (I might have grocery store rage.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LOW BROW TWINKERTUNISTIC SNACKSTERS!

To add to the fun, “Alfred”, our little rat bastard Christmas elf, is back.

THE KIDS HAVE BEEN GETTING UP AT 5 freakingfracking A.M. TO TRY TO FIND THIS EVIL LITTLE PUNK. SO I TRIED TO DROWN HIM IN MY BEER. DUDE LIVED TO TELL. FREAK!

ELFINSHAZAMALAMSHALOM, WHY CAN’T I BE JEWISH?!

And sadly, my muffin top has reached epic heights widths and I’ve resorted to outlandish behavior huffing on the treadmill.

HEY, WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO PUT PAVLOV'S TREADMILL FACING THE BEER SIGN? OH WAIT..... UMMMMM.

WHY CAN’T I JUST BE A SKIN-NAY, SOBER MORMON?!

 

I’m not going off the deep end. People, wake up! It’s ARMAGEDDON. Clearly!

I’m trying to bright side all this shiz, even as the full moon rages, and I swear if you even look at me wrong today I’ll go all me-owwwww on you.

But listen peeps, the sun will come out tomorrow. So stay gold! Solid Gold, that is.

And one more thing if I haven’t sufficiently stalked you on Facebook, I’m in a contest on Circle of Moms called Top 25 Author Moms and I would surely appreciate your vote. Graci-ass! (You can vote once per day until Dec. 7th!) MTM can’t buy publicity like that and hey, maybe if I hawk some books I can buy Belushi a new knee! OH YEAH! (Thanks for nothing, Powerball!!!) To vote, all you have to do is click on the “Circle of Moms” badge near the top right of my blog, underneath my book. It very subtley says, “Please rock mah vote.” *shameless self promotion *mama would not be proud *runs and hides under Belushi’s brace

Or you can click here!

 

STFU SAMMIE. KEEPS YO PAWS OFF MY DIET COKE, BOSTON!

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Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Random Rage, STFU Friday | Posted on 24-06-2010

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I’ve been discovered! I have. It’s awesome. I’ve been wishing, hoping, someone in a position of authority would contact me regarding my blog. Well muffintoppers, that day has come. I received the following email at my muffintopmommy address. I’ve posted the actual email so you can share in my excitement. (And, not to get all braggy on you, show just how important a gal I am!) My responses are in CAPS throughout the email. Ready? 

Dear Janet,
We came across your blog, Muffintop Mommy and see that you are an influential voice among the parenting community in Boston (I AM? THAT IS SCARY. BECAUSE I LIVE ALMOST AN HOUR AWAY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH IS A CHICK FROM THE GRANITE STATE WHO’S BEEN KNOWN TO YELL, “MOVE IT D BAG!” IN FRONT OF HER KIDS IN THE CAR? NO WONDER PEOPLE ARE LEAVING MASS IN DROVES!) We wanted to reach out to you to tell you about an important citywide campaign that is taking place this summer- Boston’s first Soda-Free Summer Challenge. (SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S COUSIN NEEDED A MADE UP CUSHY TAX FUNDED JOB…. I MEAN, NEATO!)
Drinking soda can slow us down by causing weight gain and health problems, like type 2 diabetes and heart disease. (UM. I’M NO HEALTH NUT, BUT HAVE YOU TRIED DIET COKE? IT’S LIKE…ZERO CALORIES.) 

PLEASE NOTE THE CAN SAYS, "SUGAR FREE." PROBLEM SOLVED! GLAD I COULD HELP, GOVERNMENT!

Obesity and associated health problems are dramatically affecting our city, with recent data showing that 52 percent of adults are considered overweight or obese, and about half of high school students are either overweight or at-risk of being overweight. (DID YOU EVEN READ THE NAME OF MY BLOG? MUF-FIN-TOP-MOM-MY….AS IN, I HAVE A MUFFIN TOP. SOME FLAB IN MY ABS. CONTEXT CLUES, GOVERNMENT WONK…I’M KIND OF A FATTY… LIKE THE SCHLUMPS YOU ARE TARGETING. FIRST RULE OF A PITCH….KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, GIRLFRIEND. YOU DON’T SEE PEOPLE HAWKING TWINKIES AT TRIATHALONS. YOU FOLLOW? ALSO? IF PEOPLE ARE FATTIES, IT’S THEIR FAULT SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST MYOB. IT TOOK THE CITY OF BOSTON FOUR YEARS TO GIVE THE FIREFIGHTERS A CONTRACT, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA GET THE MCCHUBBIES TO STOP DOING THE DEW IN TWO MONTHS? BTW, MAYOR MUMBLES MENINO LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN ENJOYING HIMSELF A FEW COKES. YOU SHOULD REALLY MAKE HIM YOUR POSTER CHILD. AND AFTER THE WAY HE TREATED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, I DOUBT THOSE JAKES WILL BE RUSHING DOWN WITH THEIR DEFRIBRILATORS IF MUMBLES GOES DOWN IN THE CONCRETE JUNGLE. HE MAY WANNA KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF OR LAY OFF ANGELA’S LASAGNA, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?)
In response to this issue, the Boston Public Health Commission (BPHC) is launching Boston’s first citywide Soda-Free Summer Challenge. We are asking individuals and organizations to take a pledge to not drink soda for the summer. ( NO. JUST, NO. DIET COKE AND I? TO QUOTE THE GREAT CAROLINE MANZO OF JERSEY, WELL…”WE’RE THICK AS THIEVES.” YEAH. DIET COKE IS MY HOMIE. MY CRACK ATTACK. LA FAVORITO DRINKO. NEXT TO BEER. BUT FACE IT,  A MOM WITH AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS I..SIMPLY CANNOT BE SEEN SWILLING AND CHILLING BEFORE A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE HOUR, AM I RIGHT? SO DIET COKE IT IS! BRING ON….THE ASPARTAME. AHHH!)

BOSTON WILL KNOW. OH THEY WILL! THEY'LL KNOW IF YOU HAVE COKE. YOU WATCH IT, YOU PORTLY SCOFFLAW!

 
Since you are an influential voice in your community(NOT BOSTON) and a role model to your children (PLEASE REVIEW PARAGRAPH ONE), we would like to ask you to take the pledge and be a leader in this campaign. We realize you and some of your followers may not be residents of Boston proper (YOUR PLEA WILL TOTALLY RESONATE WITH MY READERS ACROSS THE POND. I JUST JOLLY KNOW IT! BRILLIANT!) , but we hope you see the importance of spreading the message to everyone – a healthy lifestyle shouldn’t be restricted to city limits! (NATCH! WE ARE THE WORLD! I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR FAILING SCHOOLS, RUNAWAY FIRE TRUCKS, OR DRIVE BY SHOOTINGS, DEFINITELY USE YOUR RESIDENTS’ HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS TO RID THE WORLD OF INSIDIOUS SODA! PRIORITIZE. YES!)
You can take the pledge on our Facebook page (www.Facebook.com/HealthyBoston) or on our website (www.bphc.org/sodafreesummer).  When you take the pledge, you will be entered into our weekly raffle for a chance to win some great health-oriented prizes that include online personal fitness training from Life in Synergy (GOOD THING IT’S ONLINE SINCE I LIVE….AN HOUR AWAY!), water bottles, healthy grocery store gift cards (YOU KNOW THEY SELL SODA AT THE GROCERY STORE, YES?), and a bicycle. (NO 30 PACKS? NO SOX TICKETS? A PIE FROM SANTARPIO’S? NO? NOTHING? THEN NO DICE!)
In addition, we are attaching a badge to display on your blog and/or Facebook page to demonstrate your commitment to your health, your children’s health, and the health of the community. (I AM COMMITTED TO MY CHILDREN’S HEALTH. WHICH IS WHY I DON’T LET THEM PLAY WITH MATCHES OR DRINK SUGARY SODA. I DON’T NEED YOUR BADGE TO TELL ME THAT. INSTEAD, I GIVE THEM “CRAP-I SUN”…WHICH IS….OH, SHIT, ALSO SUGAR LADEN. YEAH, WELL. UM. I’M A ROLE MODEL! YOU EVEN SAID IT!)You can also print out this badge to display in your home or your office. (OH SQUEE! I’VE BEEN MEANING TO REDECORATE!)
We would love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions. (NO, I DON’T THINK YOU WOULD.) Please contact BLABBITY BLAH (NAME X’D OUT TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT DO GOODER) for more information or to sign up to take the pledge!
 
Thank you, (YOU ARE SO WELCOME. NOW PLEASE CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A NEWSPAPER COLUMN, BOOK DEAL, A PRICEY AD TO RUN ON MY BLOG, OR MY LOTTERY WINNINGS. GOOD DAY!) 

BLABBITY BLAH
Boston Public Health Commission 

OH AND P.S. BOSTON PUBLIC HEALTH COMMISSION? YOU GET THE STFU FRIDAY SAMMIE. BUT DON’T WORRY, I’LL MAKE IT LOW SUGAR FOR YOU. FEEL FREE TO DISPLAY THE MUFFINTOPMOMMY LOGO ON YOUR DESK WHILE ENJOYING IT. IT WILL PAIR WELL WITH YOUR DELISH BOSTON CITY TAP WATER. I JUST KNOW IT!