CALLING ALL cold MAMAS! ENTER TO WIN!

21

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Boys, boys, boys! And did I mention, boys?, Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Mom-ness, OH &^%$!!, Random Rage, Retail Therapy, Uncategorized | Posted on 11-02-2013

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Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. With three little kids and almost 13 years of marriage, I’m just hoping hubs will come home from work and sing something romantic to me.

“Let’s go Outback to-niiiight!” 

Curbside takeaway=porn for moms. Aim high. (I know. How greedy of me to hope for more after the promise of microwave slippers a few weeks ago. Don’t get all jealous, ladies. It’s not a good look!)

Hey, we can’t ALL live at Downton Abbey. My cook and lady maid are on extended vacay. Listen, we all have to play the hand we’re dealt! (Sometimes you get to frolic upstairs at Downton and eat with 27 silver utensils, sometimes you have to stir soup downstairs, and sometimes you’re stuck in suburgatory!) I’m not an addict. 

With arctic temps and over two feet of snow dumped on us this past weekend, it’s no shock my Valentine and I have our biggest rows over the thermostat. You’d think the muffin top would insulate but nooooo. Irish McFreezypants had to marry a hot blooded Italian who wears t-shirts inside the house in winter and fans himself with all the dramatics of a strange southern debutante with a Boston accent, “I’m sweeeeltahring!”

I’m sorry, Scahlett O’Hah-ra. Jeez. Since I’m shuffling about like a 4 foot kid from A Christmas Story, I’m not sympathetic!

So imagine my delight when I got the chance to review a Honeywell Energy Smart 360 Surround heater—just in time for the most wonderful time of the year! Along with mah gift of extra, energy efficient warmth, I received the following info which, I believe, demonstrates I am NOT the cray cray one in this house!

JUDGE AND JURY, I REST MY CASE!

MMM HMM. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

I have to say this is a great little ceramic heater. It’s perfect to put under my desk by my feet while I work on my next book read Peep, and in our playroom which is often chilly since it abuts the non-heated garage–and it’s lightweight enough with convenient carrying handle to tote wherever my muffin top desires! It’s super quiet so it will not disturb any important Mario Kart racing, Lord Grantham viewing, or wine slurping. It has a wonderful control panel allowing you to adjust the temperature depending on how Christmas Story-ish you’re feeling, and how energy conscious you are! (Hey super duper green peeps, tada! You can pre-program the thermostat and even see how much energy you’re using with this heater.) This heater packs a punch as it can blast heat all the way around–hence the 360– or you can just use the 180 for a more targeted effect, and has excellent safety features like an overheat protection device, so you don’t burn the joint down! Bonus! (No really. Remember when Italian boy almost burned the house down thawing a pipe last year?)

Here’s what this little beauty looks like in real life—so you can see the scale:

SEE? TOTALLY COMPACT AND UNOBTRUSIVE!

Good news, m’ ladies (and m’ cold lords), you too can have a chance to experience this gem. Honeywell has graciously offered to send a heater to one lucky, soon to be toasty roasty, muffintopmommy reader. All you have to do is leave a comment with your name, and we will have a super official drawing—probably someone under 8 years old will pick a name out of a mixing bowl. You don’t even have to subscribe to mah blog, like me on Facebook, leave a blood sample, follow me on twitter, Pinterest, or the grocery store! (But I surely love when you do— minus the grocery store stalking–I don’t need you seeing the processed snacks in my cart!) Please enter here by next Monday, February, 18th by midnight. South Floridians need not apply. (I’m kidding! I know it gets like 45 down there at 2 in the morning once a year, you lovelies!). Heaters can be shipped to U.S. addresses only.

So what are you waiting for? Even if you don’t win, microwave slippers and a fabulous portable heater? For $59.99, or roughly the price of a Lands’ End sweater, you’re totally in biz. Visit www.kaz.com for more information on this and other Honeywell heaters.

Stay warm, muffintoppers!

*Honeywell did provide me with a free heater for review purposes. All opinions expressed are 100% my own. As usual. Ahem. 

SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD USE SOME HEAT!

 

A VALENTINE’S DAY ODE

14

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Things that make you go....awwww, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 12-02-2012

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Happy Valentine’s Day my lovelies! It’s that time again….time for the annual Valentine’s Day ode to the hubs. I just can’t help myself again. Don’t you worry–we are still keeping the magic alive on this special day. I have an appointment with my ob-gyn for my annual visit (I hope it’s as special for her as it is for me.) and hubs is probably going to a work thing with his boss and two other dudes. This? Is what girls dream about. I might round out the day with a few loads of laundraaaay. Not sure yet. I like to keep my options open.
 
What about you? Do you think V-Day is just a cheesy Hallmark holiday or are you waiting with bated breath and outstretched arms for your flowers, candy, and candlelight dinners? However you want to express your lovin’, I hope everyone feels the love on V-Day!
 
 
NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO. Just, NO!!!!!!

 

 
 
Roses are red.
Violets are not.
Bringing me flowers on V Day
Just ain’t that hot.
 
Lemme sleep in,
Take the kids at witching hour.
Bring me some gin.
But keep yo damn flower!
 
A sweater, a scarf, even a purse I can do.
Of course, you know me likie shoes, too.
And don’t spend 8 grand on some huge sappy card,
Just say I love you–don’t make it that hard.
 
Save your cashola to feed the muffin top.
Some seafood or steak?
But please , no lamb chops. (BAA!)
 
If you show with even one stinking rose,
I swear to God I’m gonna break your nose.
Oy, do you know the mark up on V Day?
And seriously, could it be any more cliche?
 
If you really want me to swoon?
                    
Bring me a 12 pack some random day in June!
The only “Buds” I wanna see from my man?
Come in a lovely glass bottle or can.
 
Oh, don’t be afraid–I’m not starting a fight.
You always *mostly* get it just right.
And if you can’t find that perfect gift for me?
I know of one that is perfectly free!
 
You can *for once* just replace the TP!                                                
It’s already bought and wrapped in clear plastic!
It’s so super soft and perfectly round.
Under the sink is where it is found.
And when you need it, it sure is fantastic.
What? I’m not even being sarcastic!  
 
I love you, dear.
I love you so much.
You’ve nothing to fear.
Your gifts, always clutch.
 
If my demands seem mean or even nasty,
You knew when we married
I’d be bringing some sassy!
 
I must confesss now, I don’t care what you do         
As long as you read this and still love me, too!
 
 *Props to the very funny wendiaarons.com for teaching me how to make that bitchin’ heart! Check out her site!
 
Well, ladies? What say you?
 

 

VALENTINE’S DAY….IT’S PAJAMA TIME!

8

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Friends...you got what I ne-ed, Random Rage | Posted on 11-02-2011

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 GUEST POST ALERT: We have so much love for Valentine’s Day here at Muffintopmommy, there will be TWO V-Day posts this year. Today’s post is brought to you by our friend, Lisa.You may remember this well known room mama for her invaluable post on navigating a successful school year? Well, she’s finally come out of hiding (either that or she’s been stuck on 128 in a snow squall since November….or maybe in my garage drinking beer out of a can….who really knows) in time to get her V-Day bashing on. Enjoy….the following post is Muffintopmommy approved!

Love and hearts and all that junk,

MTM

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy Valentine’s Day – Here are your PAJAMAS?!?

The flower and teddy bear commercials aren’t bad enough, but this time of year whenever we turn on the radio we hear the voice of our favorite radio personalities trying to convince us what every woman truly wants for Valentines Day – pajamas.

Yes, pajamas.

“She’ll think of you every time she puts them on – or takes them off.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the relationship were going really well, there wouldn’t be any talk of pajamas. You’d probably skip right over that part, no?

And if that isn’t insulting enough, the ads actually state, ”It only takes minutes to buy, but she’ll think you spent weeks choosing the perfect gift.”

Uh, no she won’t. Because she actually HEARD THE SAME RADIO AD — YOU MORONS!!!

Being the fair person that my mother really wanted to raise, I decide to give them a chance. Maybe it’s just me — maybe others really do think PJ’s are romantic. I’m no longer in the ‘need to impress to keep the spark alive’ category. I’ve moved into the ‘I’ve given birth to each of these children and you’re lucky I can pretend to fit my expansive arse into something remotely resembling anything available on the same floor where pajamas are sold’ category, so I foolishly decided to go online to check out their website to see what the buzz was all about.

Yes folks, it’s as pathetic as described in the radio ads — a woman sprawled about on some tasteful white bedding in what is titled a ‘hoodie-footie’, designed to keep her warm from head to toe. You got it— cover it all up. Oh she’s smiling all right —- mainly because she’s all of 17, psyched that someone is willing to cut her a big, fat, modeling check for putting on more clothing than I would wear to the grocery store.

I give the company credit — they try to spice it up by showing a photo of three women wearing three different styles of PJ’s. In some context, the sexy sleepover card could be played, but not when each woman is sporting more fabric than my dining room table and one of the models looks old enough to be my mother.  Maybe the Diane Keaton pillow fight idea should be pitched to those people who think showing an AARP card carrying, Olive Garden style dining, erectile dysfunction medication using, couple in a bath tub during national sporting events isn’t depressing.

And if head-to-toe fleece-armor weren’t enough, this romantic gift is only available in cotton candy pink. The only people in my house smiling about cotton candy pink PJ’s are not yet old enough to ride the school bus.

PINK PAJAMA DO! 5 MUFFINTOPS RATING!

But wait —- if the hooded footie PJ’s aren’t insulting enough on their own – –you can couple them with a stuffed animal —- wearing the same pathetic outfit. Again, very cute for anyone under the age of 7.

PINK PAJAMA DON'T! LOSE THE DOPEY BEAR AND OVERSIZED EASTER BUNNY CHICK. -0 MUFFINTOPS RATING!

This is further proof Valentine’s Day is one of those hellacious faux holidays. Thank you Hallmark for pressuring people into thinking that you can only show your love for someone by over spending on that one over advertised day each year.

BLUE FOR BOYS? UM, STILL NO. THIS IS ENCROACHING ON CHILD ABUSE. THE GROWN UPS ARE JUST D-BAGS!

Valentine’s Day is confusing. It makes single people feel like complete crap. Those in new relationships are anxiety ridden about what is appropriate or not. Those in ‘established’ relationships are caught in the cross between under-celebrating and appearing like they are over-compensating for a total lack of interest. And school children everywhere are just plain annoyed.

Even though we live in the ‘everyone gets a trophy’ generation, our children have figured out that this ‘holiday’ is a load of crap.

‘What are we celebrating anyway Mom?’

“It’s a day for people to express their true feelings and tell each other how much we love them.”

“Shouldn’t you tell people that you love them all the time? Why just today? That doesn’t make any sense.”

No, it doesn’t. It’s like forced family fun. Which can be made exponentially worse by requiring all of your family members to wear matching hoodie-footie ’ as advertised on the radio.

 But smile children, you need to make a Valentine for everyone in the class.

“Why Mom, I don’t even like Johnny! (* names have been changed to protect our reputation at recess), I’m not going send him a card that says ‘Smile, somebody loves you’!”

I’m sure you can find something in that over-priced box of miniature commercial cheapness.

“Here’s one that says ‘Be Mine’, maybe I can change it to read ‘Be Nice’ and he’ll stop throwing snowballs at me on the playground.”

(Editor’s note to Lisa’s daughter: Everyone knows throwing a snowball at someone’s face is really just a New Englander’s way of saying, “I heart you!” That boy totally digs you! Um, sorry Lisa. She has a right to know. )

And even the younger, less cynical pre-school children think it’s a hoax.

“Why can’t I just make one for my friends? Why do I have to make one for Sally? She eats crayons and bites people, I don’t want to be her Valentine.”

Bingo, kiddos.

We shouldn’t be told who to like, love or greet with Valentine’s Day wishes.

We shouldn’t be told how to express our love, admiration or complete disgust.

We shouldn’t be told when to express any of these feelings.

We shouldn’t be forced to wear or purchase pink PJs. Ever.

 And we certainly shouldn’t plan our course of action based upon a radio ad.

So on this Valentine’s Day let’s all take a minute to  tell those we love (be it our spouse, children, parents, friends, Oprah’s new half sister) why we love them and why we appreciate them being a part of our lives. Then make a pact never to get involved in shopping for PJ’s for anyone over the age of 10.

A VALENTINE'S DAY ODE TO THE HUBS

24

Posted by muffintopmommy | Posted in Awesomeness, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Things that make you go....awwww, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing! | Posted on 11-02-2010

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Okay, so listen, before we jump into my super romantic poem, if there are ANY fellas in the muffintopmommy house today (Be not afraid! You are totally welcome along with women with flat tummies. I’m a lover, not a hater. We are the world.)…what I say in the poem reflects only the opinions of ONE sassy woman who may be prone to eschew certain societal romantic overtures. (Unless done randomly and without prompting!) What? I am not a pain in the ass! Whatever, it ain’t worth getting into here. Just know, not every woman shares my opinion on roses and gifts for Valentine’s Day. It is up to YOU to figure out what makes your woman tick—so, good luck with that! These are just the romantic ramblings (!) of one random, red rose hating, woman. So, unless your name rhymes with trick or pick or thick, take the poem with a grain of salt and in the spirit in which it was intended! Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! (Just wanted to publish a few days early in the hopes my sweets has time to meet my demands. I mean, polite requests. I mean, unsolicited, loving overtures. I mean. Um. Never mind.)
 
 

NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO. Just, NO!!!!!!

 
 
Roses are red.
Violets are not.
Bringing me flowers on V Day
Just ain’t that hot.
 
Lemme sleep in,
Take the kids at witching hour.
Bring me some gin.
But keep yo damn flower!
 
A sweater, a scarf, even a purse I can do.
Of course, you know me likie shoes, too.
And don’t spend 8 grand on some huge sappy card,
Just say I love you–don’t make it that hard.
 
Save your cashola to feed the muffin top.
Some seafood or steak?
But please , no lamb chops. (BAA!)
 
If you show with even one stinking rose,
I swear to God I’m gonna break your nose.
Oy, do you know the mark up on V Day?
And seriously, could it be any more cliche?
 
If you really want me to swoon?
                    
Bring me a 12 pack some random day in June!
The only “Buds” I wanna see from my man?
Come in a lovely glass bottle or can.
 
Oh, don’t be afraid–I’m not starting a fight.
You always *mostly* get it just right.
And if you can’t find that perfect gift for me?
I know of one that is perfectly free!
 
You can *for once* just replace the TP!                                                
It’s already bought and wrapped in clear plastic!
It’s so super soft and perfectly round.
Under the sink is where it is found.
And when you need it, it sure is fantastic.
What? I’m not even being sarcastic!  
 
I love you, dear.
I love you so much.
You’ve nothing to fear.
Your gifts, always clutch.
 
If my demands seem mean or even nasty,
You knew when we married
I’d be bringing some sassy!
 
I must confesss now, I don’t care what you do         
As long as you read this and still love me, too!
 
 *Props to the very funny wendiaarons.com for teaching me how to make that bitchin’ heart! Check out her site!
 
Well, ladies? What say you?