LADIES AND GENTS, TWEEPS AND PEEPS, THIS IS THE SAILBOAT I SHALL ALLOW MY SONS TO CAPTAIN!

IN 1492 (an excerpt)

“In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He had three ships and left from Spain;
He sailed through sunshine, wind and rain.

He sailed by night; he sailed by day;
He used the stars to find his way.

A compass also helped him know
How to find the way to go.

Ninety sailors were on board;
Some men worked while others snored.”

Disclaimer: I might catch flak for this. I try not to be all judgy about how other people parent as I’m quite certain I’ve made my share of mistakes and I’ve only been one for five years….but I have to ask the question: Who the hell lets their 16 year old daughter sail around the world?

 Alone.

Um, yeah. Apparently some wing nuts from the OC.

I mean, dude. Don’t they know Christopher Columbus had like 90 guys with him when he was sailing around like a badass? (Granted, some of them were snoozing…and they say people don’t have a work ethic nowadays!) And he was just trying to go grab up some gold and go–he wasn’t trying to be a big showoff and circumnavigate the world!

Technology and boats have come a long way since 1492 when CC relied on the big dipper, but the ocean is still a mighty beast. One rogue wave (which happened to sailor girl) and you’re swimming with the fishes for real. Mother Nature can be cruel and unforgiving, and if you don’t believe it, go talk to the poor widows of seasoned fishermen and sailors who got swallowed by the sea faster than a WT guy in a wife beater can inhale a $5 footlong at Wal-Mart Subway. (Gotta do somthin’ while his baby mama shops for Cheez Doodles and Moutain Dew.) Um, but I digress!

I mean, do I admire this girl for her passion, determination, and mental fortitude? I do. She’s got pluck. She’ll be an interesting person to watch. Her life story will be fascinating, no doubt, if this is what she’s gunning for at 16. I rather doubt she’ll ever be asking anyone if they “want fries with that?”

But what she couldn’t have? The  judgment and the life experience of an adult.

And any adult should realize that. Her parents are lucky the French and Australian governments, who apparently racked up huge expenses funding jets and diverting boats to rescue her when her mast snapped from a horrible storm in the Indian Ocean, have been gracious and have no plans to send them some honking bill.

But really they’re just lucky she didn’t die. Or that none of the rescuers died as a result of their poor judgment and arrogance.

I have to wonder, is this an extreme version of parents (Dad is a shipwright and owns a yacht management company)trying to live vicariously through their kids, or gain notoriety through their kids? Just last year, this girl’s older brother successfully did sail around the world. When is enough, enough? I mean, I thought the hockey dads could be batshit crazy, but nope, we have a winner here!  

Not to mention, this girl is a high school junior. Shouldn’t she be screeching at Eclipse with her friends? Shopping for a prom dress? And no texting, no twitter, no Facebook? For months! She probably doesn’t even know who won American Idol! No Gossip Girl? No One Tree Hill? No Justin Bieber jokes to keep her going? Does she even know Albie might get tossed from Fordham Law and Ashley got booted from home?

What am I missing?

This was her dream? Really? Couldn’t wait til she was a legal adult of 18? Sorry….I ain’t buying what she and her fam dam are selling.

What do you think?

In the meantime, to the parents of Abby Sunderland…..you get the STFU Friday sammie!! (To be consumed on land only per order of muffintopmommy law!)

Land hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The one place I love to visit, and visit often, is Target.

Wait, let me start over.

“Hi, my name is Muffintopmommy, and I’m addicted to Target”, or as I, and seventy bazillion others affectionately (nay, lovingly?) call it, “Tarjay”. I know that to some Target might just seem like any other big box store, but to me it’s so much more. I would go so far to say it’s a huge part of my life right now. No, I am not kidding!

Really. Stop laughing, you! Come on, did you really think I was going to say Bloomingdale’s or some fancy pants place like that?

WE DON’T EVEN HAVE BLOOMINGDALE’S IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND EVEN IF WE DID, THEY’D LOCK THEIR DOORS IF THEY SAW MY BROOD AND ME COMING!

“Henderson, cut the lights, lock the door…I see the bourgeois coming. Quick, quick!”

Target is where I buy a lot of household stuff, sure, but it’s also where I end up socializing, and for better or worse, buying a lot of my clothes. Now, this is partly because I can rapidly toss clothing items into a moving red plastic cart while I shop on the fly with the little scamps in tow…. and partly because Target really embodies ‘cheap chic’… in my humble opinion. I like to think I really am quite the budget fashionista—please, don’t tell Stacey and Clinton. (Or better yet, do tell.  I exaggerate my talent, and could use a $5,000 wardrobe makeover and some pointers on how to disguise the muffin top, because it is becoming abundantly clear that I am just going to continue to whine about it while doing nothing to change.)

There, I said it. I feel better now.

Please note for your shopping pleasure that Target really knows its audience. “A” for effort Target marketers—no doubt a team of savvy moms—you thought of everything. Frazzled mommies on the go rejoice that the big red shopping carts that restrain your crew can easily navigate their family changing rooms. Take that Bloomies!

Every time I hit Targ I run into other moms I know and end up yukking it up by the laundry detergent or seasonal items. I’m not going to lie to you, staying home with three kids four and under can make for long days, especially when those frosty New England winters hit, and I so look forward to my impromptu social hour. Don’t even tell me you didn’t know Targ was an informal social club? (Are you lying? Admit it— you’re right there with me.) They don’t advertise it in the Sunday flyer but it’s a well known fact among moms. You might have your water cooler, we have our aisle seven!

Target having everything I could possibly need under one roof is both a blessing and a curse. It’s fantastic because I only have to take the kids out of the car seat ONCE to do a million errands. What’s more flipping annoying than taking three kids, none of whom can buckle themselves yet, in and out of car seats on multiple errands? You might as well go have a tooth pulled then do that. (Although wait, I just remembered– that’s my vacation!)

Really, the only downside to my love affair with Targ (I like to abbreviate words. So fun. Go ahead and try it. Be a rebel. I dare you.) is that it is absolutely a threat to my household finances. But if posed with the choice, heat, light or Targ, I gotta admit, I’d have to think about it long and hard…..

Okay, I decided.

Who needs light when you can just go to Targ and enjoy all the lovely, fluorescent bright lights you want for as long as you want?! Lighting at home is so glorified anyway. So twentieth century. Laura Ingalls didn’t need light, so neither do I!

It is just so terribly easy to become derailed in Targ. I swear the orangey red décor riles you up into a spending frenzy or there’s some kind of secret old school subliminal messages in play. All I know is I might go in there for toilet paper and soap, a minor and necessary expenditure, and then come out with new wine glasses, some shorts, a frame, a book, bathing suits for the kids, tortilla chips, stationery, a purse and—oh, don’t forget the undies at the check out—seven pair for $6.99 with the fancy cursive writing on the band—sing with me now, “I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah!” 

But the kicker? I’ll get all that and then forget the toilet paper and soap that I went there in there for in the first place.

Oy.

I’m pretty careful with the household budget but in Tarjay I end up like a kid in a candy store and since most things are reasonably priced, I figure what’s the harm—til I get to the register and realize, omg, all this piddly stuff really adds up and did I really just spend that? If I get out under $100 bucks, it’s a good day. (My friend’s sister jokes that there’s a $100 cover charge at Target. I swear no truer words have been spoken.) I have no idea why each and every time I shop at Target what I spend astounds me. You’d think I’d learn some defense or something, or, gasp, just not shop there. But the fact is I don’t want to stop. I can’t stop!!!!

HELLPPP MEEEE!!!

I think I need an intervention.

It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who suffers from Targ-diction. I’m not going down alone. As a joke, I started a Target group on Facebook. (What? I do too have a life!) Are you really surprised I’d be into Facebook?  I’ve already revealed that I’m a thirtysomething mom of three boys four and under, who has a serious muffin top problem and looks forward to socializing at a big box store. Should it surprise you some of my biggest socializing now occurs online? It’s not sad. It’s not!

But I’m digressing again (Adult onset ADD? I keep meaning to look into that…but then… I interrupt myself again and forget.). Just for kicks, I decided to see if I were the only loser, I mean, mom, who shared these sentiments about Target. I figured it would be a fun social experiment of sorts. Here’s the group’s description as I wrote on FB, and you can check for yourself, it’s 100% real and serves no actual purpose as evidenced by the fact that I put it under, “just for fun/totally random”:

MOM’S ADDICTED TO TARGET—ADMITTING IT IS THE FIRST STEP!!!

I’m proud to say, we are 63 members strong! And? We’re a geographically diverse group, having members from coast to coast, and even from Canada making us…an “international” group (That’s what I’m talking about; I like to foster international relations.) and  proving the Target addiction knows no boundaries, and targets (no pun intended) any mom, anywhere. Consider yourself forewarned!